Dreams Shattered.

Ever have a dream that you've had for so long it's just part of your conciousness?

Mine was just shattered. Since I was 15 or so I have wanted a particular building in a the town I grew up in. I have told everyone about it - or so I thought - it seems mum didn't know. Anyway. The place went up for sale, and was sold yesterday. YESTERDAY~

What makes it hurt more is that it was affordable. To an extent - needed lots of work. But I have wanted it so much.... and now it has gone. I doubt it will be on the market again - at least for probably 10 - 20 years...

I think I could cry. This has been my dream property and just when I think we could afford something (with the bonus from the gov etc)... argh. I think I *will* cry.

This is it.

3 years today.

Happy Birthday Sweet baby - er - big girl!

You remind me every day now "I'm a big durl!" It wasn't so long since you were a little baby and then bam. You're holding conversations.

The last 6 months has seen you blossom so fast. It's almost as if I have turned around and someone new was staring at me. It's amazing the changes that have come forth. You can dress yourself, express yourself, marvel at your own achievements and make your own friends.

Your speech, while not the same as "other kids" is really developing and you can come out with some wonderful phrases.

"I am dood!"
"I am tire"
"I had a big sleep"
"She's my friend"
"Dat's my favourite (to everything you see!"
"I love you as big as a house!"
"Bugger"
"Shut Up"
"Oh, man!"

You love to do puzzles and to draw. Unfortunately you have your mother's creative chaos thing happening and move from one thing to the next very quickly leaving Tornado Tara in your wake.

You have some wonderful friendships forming and it is so lovely to see these happening without interference from Mummy or Daddy. There have been many tears when we have had to leave Sam, Hailey, Savannah... You have loved to join Matilda in the park and cannot wait to see Bella at school.

You have seen a new day care centre this year and have truly embraced it. Some new friendships, some new experiences and a real jump in your development. It's amazing to see you embrace puzzles now, so different from previously where you shied away. And painting! You never cease to amaze me with your artistic endeavours.

Some other random bits about you. You love Pooh Bear, your toy Kiwi (who must go to school every Friday), you sleep through the night, are toilet aware during the day and almost completely during the night and you love your food - Chicken and Rice is apparently on the menu every night!

I love watching you take in the world around you and reach out and be yourself. Not a mini me, not a mini daddy, but 100% you. You can throw a stomping fit to threaten even the most rebellious of all teens, slam a door like the best of them, and say things under your breath while storming out of a room. You put the term Threenager in the dictionary.

I love you to pieces and watching you each day is a blessing and an honour. You are beautiful, adorable and truly special.

My beautiful beautiful girl, I love you. Happy third Birthday.

From this, to this...

to this

5 Glorious Days.

On the 3rd or 4th of November my heart sang for joy as I looked at two straight lines on a stick of paper. It's amazing how that small amount of colour, on that small stick can change your life.

For 5 days I celebrated, rejoiced and sang from the roof tops that, after 16 months of trying, we'd finally fallen pregnant. Clouds had parted, angels sang, prayers were answered and I was growing a baby inside of my beautiful womb.

5 glorious days.

And then my heart was ripped from me as the blood started to flow. A little pink to start with, but soon followed in torrents of crimson red flowing with the waves of contractions.

5 glorious days.

My world shattered around me as moment by moment I felt my baby draining from me. I woke knowing the spirit had gone from me. By 4 pm in the afternoon I'd endured the worst part of a complete miscarriage and had lost our baby.

Though, 'loosing a baby' is not really a great descriptions either. I can't go and pick him up from lost and found at Central Station. I did not accidentally leave him on a bus. No, he's no where to be 'found'. He's gone completely.

5 glorious days.

I knew about him 'officially' for 5 days, but the reality was I knew about him the moment he became part of me. I even wrote about him.

"We have been TTC (trying to conceive) for a while and we had an amazing night the other night *cough*. Instantly I felt as though something had taken place. It hit me later that it was like I had another soul around me - in me.

And ever since I have felt spiritually pregnant, if that makes sense."

So, that was after it happened. And so much has happened since.

We told Tara I had a baby in my Tummy. She kissed my belly and said Hello Baby. I would ask her each night, "Is it a Boy baby, or is it a Girl Baby?" "A Durl Baby mummy! a Durl!" "So not a brother?" "No. A Durl".

After I discovered I was miscarrying I fell into Ally's arms sobbing. Tara and he were cooking in the kitchen and Tara pipes up, "Are you OK mummy?" "Mummy is sad, Possum. The baby has gone away. It's not in mummy's tummy any more" Tara's bottom lip quivered a little, she sighed and looked sad, for a brief moment. Then she gave me a hug and went back to cooking.

If you ask her now if mummy is sad, she'll tell you the following story
"Mummy Sad. Baby Gone Way. Mummy and Daddy in Kitchen and daddy huddle (cuddle) and mummy cry. Baby Gone" She knows the baby is not there any more.

It has been one week. Two days longer than I knew I was really pregnant. And some days I wonder what has happened. It is like a life time ago, and yet at the same time it is like it happened this morning. The grief is not as intense, but perhaps that is just me coming to terms a little more.

I have moments. I'm not all sunshine and lolly pops just yet. Sometimes I think I have been kept Too Busy, but that's ok at the moment. I cry when I need (and am thankful for hot showers that make that easier!), and laugh when I feel like it.

I call the baby a boy because I felt Boy Vibes all around me. I'm not saying that my baby was an actual Boy, I'm just saying I had a boy vibe. Could have grown up to be a tom boy, or a feminine girl. Or just a normal every day girl, or a normal every day boy. I won't know. Though I wonder if the 100% same spirit baby will come back, or if they'll change in the time between now and then. I'll never know.

He is just known as Little Bird to me.

My baby will come back. I know he will. Because I am waiting for him and he is waiting for me.

One day (hopefully not too far away), my little bird will fly home. In the meantime, I'll reflect on those 5 Glorious Days. I would not change them for the world.

Argh. Ebay Sellers!

It had to happen to me of all people. Order something off ebay and get something different. Not happy.

Would be more unhappy if it cost me a lot of money. Thank goodness it was only a bit of fabric!

Still, means I have to wait until at least friday to get the one I want.

Bah.

There is a hair!

There is a hair.

In my lolly.

Not on it. In it.

Stuck in the boiled lolly goodness with a blueberry flavour.

And there is a hair in it.

I don't think I can pretend it is not there. Even if it is tiny. It's still there.




Now my question is, do I eat the rest of the 500grams that was given to me, knowing it is the same batch, made by the same people...? broken off from the same piece?

Surely the sugar would kill any hair bugs?

Scrapping Freebies

Here are a couple of scrapping freebies for you. Please let me know if they don't work!

My original Dragonfly Faery Intro Kit



Download Here

My Funbugs



Download here

The trilogy is done..

This post here...

Well... all three happened.

The first post was rather cryptic, but it was basically my Spidey Sense (for those that have followed my blog for a long time). Spidey Sense being me sensing people who are going to fall pregnant before the start of 4th Term. :)

Even the Maybe person!

Hopefully this means that I am next! I've not gotten any more spidey senses about anyone yet...




and ally wants me to ask whether or not anyone has a spare 14 or 15 inch LCD monitor in sydney they are wanting to throw out or give away. Giant Steps could use one for the kids.

Bags!

If someone was after a stylish camera bag that preferably did not look like a camera bag, what would you recommend?

Must suit a big style camera/dslr style. Padding etc. Room for extras (batteries, flash, perhaps extra lens... and a change of clothes for a 3 year old.

Would prefer messenger style with wide shoulder strap (though depending on bag this is not essentially a major influence).

I really like tracyjoy.com - both the Joey and the Kristine. though I would be worried I'd looks the flaps!

Etsy have a few options... xcessRise and stitchwicked for instance

George Gina & Lucy have some nice stuff... if only their website was easy to navigate! and if they were not $200 a pop.

Spam me people! Spam me!

Successful shopping trip!

It's big. It's black. It's VERY shiney. Welcome to our family Baby Aquos! *drool* 81cms of flat beautiful LCD colour. *gaaaaar homerstyle*

AND! I found a MASSIVE lincraft near our house! OMG! Heaven. AND cheaper than Spotlight! AND massive. did I say that already? Oh. I like I like I like.

AND! Tara got Rainbow Shoelaces!

AND! I am going to a fashion show tonight to raise money to build toilets (I think) in India... or somewhere.

Today is a good day.

Now, to spruce myself up a bit!

Oh No!

Our TV just died.

I don't know who is more upset, Tara or Me. She's crying because Idol was on when it happened. Ally is celebrating because it means he has justifiable reason to buy the new TV we have been talking about.

gotta love technology.



In other news,

I see the fertility specialist on monday after an ultrasound revealed my ovaries are Polycystic. Joy Joy.

Children's Song Groups and Religion

The wiggles were singing "and hear the word from the lord" this morning. (Dem Bones Dem Bones Dem Thigh Bones song)

Adult pop groups often sing about God/Jesus/Allah/Whoever in their songs, but I can easily turn off my listening to those bits if I want...

But the Wiggles? Since when did they start showing Religious Favouritism?

All about Tara.

Favourite Tara-isms

"I wan a duddle"
"woh dee dee dee?" (watch dvd with plead)
"doast" (anything using bread)
"I wan [insert whatever]" (includes Food, drink, Toy, That! - whatever THAT! is...)
She especially loves it when she sees something on TV "I wan wat dat" Especially a favourite when the Aussie Idol add comes on TV.

Which leads into the new "I want" phrase.

I was looking for a doona cover for her (the eternal quest at the moment!) and she saw what I was looking for and looked at me and said "I want pooh bear bed"

*slaps head*

She currently has an obsession with Pooh bear. Started with huggies, which we wanted to get her out of, so we changed from pooh bear nappies to pooh bear knickers. She's dry most of the time now hehe... but it has also backfired in her wanting all things Pooh. We downloaded the Pooh bear 1970s movie for her and she watched it over and over (we've been sick in this house!) and then when she wanted to watching AGAIN, I just had to say "Pooh Bear Sleep". She took that OK. but has asked for everything pooh bear since. Pooh Books, Pooh DVD, Pooh Knickers and now Pooh Bed.

I am trying to dissuade her a bit, but at the same time, how much of this is her and her self expression...? Would I be enabling the consumerism obsessed child if I actually got her a Pooh Doona? Since it is half the price of the doona I ACTUALLY want to get her (Freckles Dragonfly that I am not buying for $100!)...

I would not mind so much if I could find a classic pooh doona in double for $50-$60, but it's all modern/70s pooh... :(

Argh... dilemas!!

Recipe Please?

I am after a VERY easy, simple and quick biscuit recipe.

Biccies should be slightly soft and chewy, not crunchy.

It has to be a basic recipe that I can alter with fruit/choc/jam when I need.

Must be easy for 3 year old to help.

I have eggs, flour (plain, corn, self raising), butter, sugar (brown and white and caster), golden syrup, custard powder... maybe bicarb...?

Link me people! (or comment with the recipe!)

Little Words

Three little words:

I knew it.


One down, One (maybe two) to go.

I don't want Balls!

OK... something is getting on my nerves a lot at the moment and so thought I would do what I do wonderfully on my blog. Rant.

Let me make it clear - I am not a male. I don't want to be a male. I don't strive to be more manly.

So why on earth does someone thing it appropriate to tell me I have Balls when I have done a good thing?

Why is saying "You've got Balls!" a compliment when said to a woman?

I don't have balls. I don't want Balls.

OVARIES PEOPLE!!

I HAVE OVARIES!

I am sick of seeing it on TV, or on movies, or on the radio that the epitome of someone doing a bold activity causing awe from those around is met with the same crap "you've got balls" comment... sure. Men do, but WOMEN DO NOT.

so, next time you want to say Balls to me, think again ;)

When good shopping trolleys go bad.

I bought a grandma trolley today. It was black and lovely. I filled it up. Not too heavy. Carried child and groceries and trolley and we boarded the bus. We took the bus home and waited for it to stop. When the bus stopped child walked down steps and was fine, but someone thought they should help her. Unlike me who had two green bags and a shopping trolley (and a handbag to boot!). Trolley got stuck and then POP! The wheel just gave way. 100 meters from home and too heavy to carry. Hail Cab.

$5.50 later, I got home.

Damn shopping trolley.

The end.

The ball has officially started rolling

New eating plan is being organised
Blood tests being organised
Ultrasound being organised

Hopefully start ironing out some kinks and will have a baby in no time. Well, at least be pregnant.

Doctor is good. Not looking into anything major yet, just asking a few medical questions. Will go see the naturopath after the ultrasound report and take some stuff from there.

Doctor believes my theory on why I got pregnant with Tara - or more to the point How. will be doing some more research.

Also had a pap smear done. Only 4 years late or so.. thought it was about time.

Mmm. Dinner!

It is a bit of a bad sign when you remember dinner cooking on the stove only when you can smell it.

*cough*

I have the delightful smell of burnt chilli con carne whafting through the house.

Charming.

*gag*

Want to make a quick quid?

I was approached on the street tonight by a man. Scared the shit out of me.

I get out of the car and hear "Just try me... I'll put one in ya!" and I gulp. I am walking to the house from my car when I hear that. I then think, have I locked the car properly? Walking a back the guy goes

Scary Man "Hey love... love... want to make some money"
Me: "No thanks" Lock car (it was already locked)
SM: "I'll give you $400"
Me: "No thanks" (holding keys pointy end out ready to stab and scream)
SM: "I'll give you $400 is you can get me the f**k out of here...!"
Me: "Sorry..." (Fast pace to house and hastily open door and close door after watching him start knocking the door of the house he came from)

My heart was beating. Ally told me I should call the cops, and yes, I did want to. At the same time, this guy just saw me get out of my car and go to my house. What if he was to come to the house tomorrow when it is just Tara and me, after the cops have picked him up...?!

Tell you what. Redfern area can be scary sometimes.

Loosing things (and my mind)

How is it I can go to the shops and buy 100 things (close!) on the spare of a moment, and yet when I get home I cannot find the ONE thing I specifically wanted to get from the store? ARGH! It's on the receipt. I remember seeing it. I remember holding it. I am almost certain I have seen it since I got home. But do you think I can find it right at this moment when I want to use it? *headdesk*

So, the 100 things. I happened to walk into Kmart when they had a 20c sale. I bought BEADS. Lots of BEADS. And scrapbooking stuff too. Did I mention beads?

What have I lost? 5m of Elastic Nylon thread for beads (which is what i went to the store for in the first place!). I have the Nylon thread, but not the elastic. dagnabbit! AND it was not a 20c purchase. It set me back $1.50!!!

*sigh* Added to my frustrations I cannot, for the life of me, find my box of swarovski crystals from the wedding. with all my crystals, my pearls, the works. *sigh*

Crocheting up a storm

OK... so I back with hook in hand, but OMG. How many times can one person stuff up the same row on a tiny bootie!!?!! It is doing my head in . I keep missing stitches!!

Granted, I am making the pattern up based on a bonnet I am doing, and yes, the bootie is small... but still... it's just bloody simple FPDC!!! (*Grins* I am learning terminology! haha!)

I'd be doing the bonnet except I think it is in the car.. :(

so I thought I would make a start on some booties... :D

Just got back from Brissie last night... will do a catch up post later!

Shape of a Mother

I used to love visiting Shape of a Mother as I thought it was a beautiful sentiment - that women could see just how normal their body was as either a pregnant woman or a post-baby woman. The photos were sometimes confronting, but in a beautiful way. Dark, mysterious, you look at the stretch marks and rub and touch your own nodding your head thinking "I have the same ones".

But now SOAM is really starting to piss me off. Many of the photos have become sexualised, posed, almost pornographic. I have no problems with nudity at all, and think the program has been wonderful, but why are women all of a sudden needing to do sultry eyes, bum-in-the-air, pornesque shots? You don't need to make yourself look sexy to the audience. Sure, take sexy photos for your partner, show off everything, but women don't need to compare themselves to someone who's trying to look hot in a little lacy knicker set.

We are mums or mums to be trying to come to terms with our new and improved baby bodies, even if that improvement includes a road map of lines. Why do we need to look at soft-porn in the process?

/rant

Family.

Gotta love dysfunctional families.

My brother just packed his bags on a big guilt trip (thanks for the terminology Katy!) and I doubt he will get off the road until Christmas.

And if I find out he met up with our dad in the last 4 days, hell will break loose (and I think A and I would both be beyond pissed then)...

grrr.

Feeling Spesh.

I have new hair. Cut. Colour. Blowwave. I almost feel like a new woman. I even have two new pairs of jeans and a top to round off the feeling.

Now, if only I could loose some weight and really feel like a new woman. I think maybe I need to do some more belly dancing...

However. Having said that, my feet might not cope with that. I consulted Dr Google tonight (hehe) and think I may have Tendocalcaneal bursitis... having looked up numerous places on the net I am convinced. And I think the pain in my heels would agree.

My mummy just went home today. Tara and I both miss her already. "Nanna Dom" (Nanna gone)... "Nanna gone?".... Tara then runs off to find her in the house...

We went shopping. Took a ferry down the parramatta river. Had dinner with friends. Nice time. Too short.

OOoh. in other news, I have a breast pump kit for loan now.. :) a massive box of stuff donated to me to help my AP friends :) how cool eh?

Now... back to my pain problem... argh!!!! I think I need drugs.

Mice....!

Cass. Cover your eyes.

Ok, I have been nice. I've been friendly. I have requested they leave, bargained with them (it was a wee bit one sided), I have even threatened them. But no. Instead of heeding my warnings they just decided to procreate and there were more and more and more. And then the cheeky bloody buggers would come and BOAST about being in my lounge room.

So while I adore rats and mice as pets, when wild ones start leaving their droppings in Tara's toybox and they start tapdancing on the foil in the grill, it is time to do something.

I had tried traps recently, but all they did was eat whatever it was I put on there. While I would prefer not to kill the buggers, and I can hear many readers (all 4 of you) screaming to leave them be... I am OVER it... and I did not under any circumstances want to bait them - I prefer the quick trap method.

Anyhoo. I bought new traps. Surprisingly cheaper than the first lot, but I remember using these at the farm. You don't have to get your fingers caught in the springs, and you don't need to touch a mouse.

So, to spare you all the gory details. I am currently winning I think. 5 mice down. At least 2 more to go.... The first 4 were young ones. Not the big one who would come into the middle of the lounge and laugh at me. He is still around. I heard one in the study behind me about 2 minutes ago... so he's around... and I just spotted the other in the grill.

Believe me, the disinfectant will be getting yet another work out tomorrow.

Yesterday we were at Bark in the Park in Surry Hills. Tara, Mika and I went down and had a blast.

So as Tara settled in to being comfortable with all the people there, she attached herself to a few choice people and their pooches. When I was trying to get her to leave I discovered her on a picnic blanket with this lovely, beautiful woman and her old, but very cute little dog. She was having a conversation, of which only she understood, and I just said to the lady "nod and smile! That's what we do!" She laughed and continued to have a play with Tara and Mika and Jake.

Soon, her boyfriend came over (while I went and won Tara a DVD - Tara was still in eyeline), and Tara started fawning over him. Adopted him as a friend too. It was not until I brought the DVD back that I discovered who Tara's new Friends actually were. Stevie Jacobs and his beautiful girlfriend. Mika and Tara were all over the two of them. Tara bestowing the ultimate form of friendship - throwing dried grass all over the two of them.

It was so funny to watch, and when we went to leave, the high fives were flowing. It was so funny to see Tara just warm to these strangers... she felt so at home with them. Just shows how great Stevie is with kids after all the work he does with them...

So there you go... minor celebs wrapped around Tara's fingers... :)

Two Posts in Two days... whatever will you do?!

You'd think that after 5 years of living here, my neighbours would have had enough of yelling each other. But noooo. As each subsequent child gets older, and hits their later adolescent years the fights get louder.

Mental note for anyone hiring vehicles. If you are ever asked to top up the fuel - please take note of what fuel the vehicle requires. Otherwise the people who use it next will not be very happy little cookies. Just ask Ally.

Tara apparently had no problems with day care today. And someone even brushed her hair! (it was such a mess when I sent her!)

If you found some money on the ground (more than ten bucks) what would you do with it? If you take the money, will Karma come back and bite you? Or is Karma just rewarding you for all the prior good deeds? Would handing it in be slapping poor Karma in the face? Or exponentially increasing the bounty for next time?

Is it wrong to feel fluttery when a workman flashes you "one of those smiles" when you are standing right next to your husband?

I love my new handbag. Ruby you inspired me when you were here with all your talk of finding the right bag.

I am adoring bellydancing. Now, if only I was good at it.

My eyes are barely staying open.

Good Night.

Love you. I do!

It has been too long. I know. I suck. Let's move on, shall we?

Tara is adorable. Today we were at an ABA meeting showing people how to use slings and baby carriers and I had Tara in a front carry ring sling for a while. She grabbed me by the cheeks and planted a gentle kiss on my lips. Again. And again. And again! It was a magical moment of kissing.

We have been having a lot of fun out recently. It is lovely. I enjoy her so much. Most of the time at least!!

Her language is slowly taking off. She's speaking in many sentences at the moment. Unfortunately I am the only one who can understand her. And it's not just me interpreting what she is saying, I can hear the different sounds she makes and knows what it is she wants. Ally has to often ask me to translate for him because he has no idea.

I am on the hunt for a blue and black tutu at the moment. I found one on etsy that I love, but I would prefer to keep the money in australia and pay less money for it (it's still cheap, so I might do it anyways). I might make her a white tutu to start with though since i have so much tulle left over from the wedding. Here is the Etsy listing.

I am doing OK. I am still very down about not being pregnant and as much as I try not to think about it, we are coming up to a year soon and while that is not long in many peoples books, it is a long time for me. I really really need to get myself to a doctor and get myself looked at. Though, as the saying goes, it takes two to tango, so we should probably see the doc together and take it from there. I am over the heartbreak though. My cycles are all over the place My last cycle was 49 days.

I am trying to do some websites at the moment. Some very exciting things going on. If only I could get the other half to understand I am serious when I request he does something in regards to domains and hosting and things like that. It would make it a lot easier.

Leah at http://ozazure.blogspot.com posted about Reborn Dolls the other day with a video link. It connects my latest obsession with trying to find one of these dolls. I can't afford a workshop yet, and am not sure I really want to get into the painting side, though, I probably would if I had the space. I really need to make the studio usable upstairs. Anyways, at the moment I am designing a website for two places, one for a SAHM, the other for a Reborn Nursery (none in particular). I am hoping I might be able to trade the website design template and all the graphics associated with it (and a domain name as well) as a package to someone who might like to trade for a Doll. I Just need to find the perfect Kit at the moment. I have fallen in love with the folks at Bountiful Baby and am part of the forums there. They have been so lovely!! Hopefully someone there will fall in love with my Website stuff and will trade off for a doll. Each doll values from between $150 and $500 - with some getting up in the thousands. This is one of my favourite Dolls... Paisley . NOw wile I understand some people are not very into these dolls, for me I adore both the newborn aspect, but I really appreciate the artistic skill need to make one of these dolls REAL. I am *very* fussy with the type of doll I like.. though many are cute and beautiful, there are some things I prefer not to see on a doll, and some things that I really think a doll needs..... argh. I am such a critic LOL.

My best friend Ruby was up for a week. I missed her the moment she left. She was amazing to have here and really helped me, and I think picked up my spirits a bit. I think I have been trapped in a bit of a slump and having her here really helped pull me out of it a bit. I am glad she visited, even if it was because she had to get out of warrnambool.

My course is goign good, though I really need to get back into it a bit more. I have been having a bit of a rest but I think it is time to pull up my bootstraps. I am itching to start taking clients... I really should get my act together though!!

Right... I think this is enough for now... I have not died. I am still around. Miss you all. I follow your blogs lots! Post your blog below though in case I don't - I will add you to my feed!

Much love

K xx

Random Stuff

Hey stace! will get around to my tagging soon.

Congratulations K on the arrival of little cherub M. I cannot wait to hear the story of her arrival.

Before anyone asks. Nope. Not Pregnant.

Doing great in my course. Having a breather for a week, and then will be stuck right in it again.

I bought my dress for phantom of the opera. It's RED!
I bought my bra to match the dress for phantom. It's Black. And sexy. And cost me $8!! I bought 13 pairs of socks, 1 pair of Nothing Knickers, 5 bras and a lovely new top for $22 at Kmart today. 4 of those bras cost me 60 cents each. (75 cents with 20% off!!) I love finding bargains.

I need someone to buy a logo or a website off me. anyone?

Tara is driving me batty tonight.

Ally is going to the movies with the other woman once child and I go to bed.

Tara has daycare tomorrow. Tears from both of us I am sure. Ask me in two more weeks time how she's going. Or if she is still going. Mixed opinions.

I was in a big Sydney Newspaper recently for belly dancing. Oops. In two photos. Double oops. I looked like crap. Triple oops.

I love belly dancing so much - even though I SUCK BIG TIME!

That's enough of a random update. Miss you all. Still in a blogging funk. Getting out of my life funk. I'll be back soon, I promise.

Library Thing

(Why do I wish to day THANG?)

Anyhoo... been meaning to put this on since the AllDoulas crowd introduced me to LT, but then I forgot. Well I saw WonderingWillow has it on her site and I felt all inspired again.

Thing is... I cannot get it to display properly!! it just does them inline - even when I don't choose inline... argh! can anyone help?

More Results!

I got full marks on the last test! yeeeehaaaaww!

I got a question wrong on the test before it though which was a silly mistake. ugh!

Moving on to doing my assignment and the teaching module. Very excited

Yippee!

Yay me! Results for my tests.

OK. I have two left, but I need to do some more study for those (want them done by the end of the week).

The last couple of weeks i have been making some progress on my course. I have managed to polish off 6 tests in the last couple of weeks.

My marks have been OK. Considering they are multiple choice, true or false, open tests you can download ahead of time, I consider the fact I have dropped the ball a few times a bit sad. But tonight I have scored full marks on TWO of my tests! And I had a grade amended on another test because I proved the question was left open to interpretation and I proved my case for the answer. Yay me!

So, two left in this series (Physiology of Birth tests), another on teaching in the next module, my assignment (which the first part is written in detail, need to do some more) and then the next modules (the teaching stuff).

I am feeling motivated and excited, which is nice for a change.

Hair.... wonderful hair....

I was inspired on Friday to dye my hair. Tara's carer had dyed their hair and had a chop, and I felt all inspired to at least dye my hair.

I went to the supermarket, found some dye and decided on the colour. Dark Medium Brown. Not reddish brown. Not copper. Not purple. Just plain simple brown.

I get home, mix the packet apply to my head. Then I decide to clean up and I noticed the box. It did not say brown. It did not say red. It did not even say purple.

It said "Thailand Ebony"

I meant to get "Brazil Brown"

My hair was in the process (by this time it had been on 20 mins) of turning BLACK!!!

So anyway. Now I have black hair. very black hair. It really pays to check the box immediately before applying dye.

Sewing Machines

Well, as many of you know my plans for the business went a little south when I did not get the sewing machine for christmas. Well, I plan to put one on layby this weekend or next.

I am looking at the following machines - yes, they are all Janome. This is important!

Click on the name of the machine to view the brochure!

CS995 <---- has speed control, memory function, alphabet included in stitches, unsure on the superior feed system (7 contact spots where the foot is) $799

DC3050 <----- no speed control, can handle extra fabric depth, no superior feed system, memory function... $699

MC3500 <----- has speed control, superior feed system , not as many stitches, $599

625e <----- speed control, limited stitches, heavy duty, no superior feed system. heavy duty $449

So do any of you have any of these machines?

I really want to put one on layby this weekend somewhere... and I have narrowed it down to those machines.

your wisdom is appreciated!

Slack is just another word describing me.

Another month has gone by and I have not blogged. Sorry dear readers, I have just been in la la land and distracted.

Anyways... not much has happened really. I have lots of photos to post of Tara when I get the camera back from Ally.

I am going to be working one day a week for the rest of this term. The plus side of this is I might score a free ticket to the Ball. Whoop!

It's a bit stressful in my life at the moment. feel a bit down really. can't put my finger on it, but it'll be alright.

No. I am not pregnant. Have been asked a dozen times in 4 days "when are you having another" or "are you going to have another" or "She needs a sibling" Yes people. I know. I realise this. Shut up already.**

sigh.

Not feeling high spirited today, but I wanted to post and try and start blogging again.

**friends excluded.

The generosity is bursting my heart

As many of you know, I am setting up a new business. Due to lack of funds, lack of a sewing machine, and lack of product, my store has been put on hold - yet again! argh. It is gut wrenching to get my hopes up and have them break again.

So, while venting to a friend (who is also a supplier!) last night, an arrangement was made. OMG. How wonderful! This means that I will be able to get the sling side of the business working, which will hopefully fund the new sewing machine! Which will get the nappies working again. The fact I have no money has made it really difficult to buy stock of any sort. Hopefully this will get me off the ground a bit more.

Also, since the store side of things was not going strong, I have put the website up with some custom made Doula and CBE graphics for people to buy. Significantly cheaper than a custom design (but you don't get full perks with a premade), and pretty much ready to go. So if you know someone in the Birth field, http://www.mamaluna.com.au is the place to go. I'll be uploading the proper site in the near future (once the CSS gets unkinked!)



I am just bursting with the generosity of Belinda. Don't forget to check out her store!!

http://www.bearhugbaby.com.au

:D

I feel so stupid!

Ever say something that you believed with all of your heart to be true, only to be proven that it's not, and you've offended people in the process?

Did that tonight. I feel horrible. Physically ill. I am glad I am going to be offline for a couple of days. I feel beyond terrible.

There is not a rock big enough.

Congratulations

J and R... my heart is bursting, my eyes are weeping.

Full of joy at your BFP.

lots of love for a boring, simple, run of the mill pregnancy.

As blue as the loo.

You know that blue colour? The one they put in loos? The Cake is almost black, but when water touches it, the water turns a rich and beautiful cyan colour? (let's forget for a moment just how scary a blu loo can be!). Well, I am living in the blue colour at the moment.

A small "cake" of high grade, very special watercolour paint fell out of the palette (thank's to unsupervised toddler and a busy mama) and landed on our floor and broke. No problem. Child stomped on it. No problem. I picked it up and dusted a little. Then I grabbed a damp cloth.

You can see where this is going, can't you?

As soon as the water touched the watercolour paint crumbs the floor turned cyan. Thank goodness for floorboards! However, the crumbs managed to get INTO THE CRACKS! Fabulous. Not to mention the fact that a few feet had already trodden crumbs around the house.

Well, now we have blue everywhere. Feet are blue, socks are blue, floors are blue, the bath is blue, fingers are blue, dogs paws are blue, even tara's wee appears to be blue (I am guessing from sitting in crumbs?)

Now, it's not as if I have not cleaned up. Mopping just makes the floor bluer. Vaccuuming does not work because the crumbs have melted (with the water from the cloth) into the floor. Sweeping just spreads the blue bits everywhere. These blue bits are SMALLER THAN A PIN HEAD! and stain everything (remember, high grade artist watercolour!).

ARGH

I am so over Blue!

Books, Books, Glorious Books!

I love books. I've been buying lots of books.

Here is my birth library if people want to look.

Anyways, I was wondering if any of my dear readers have, by any chance, my Copies of Birth Reborn or Childbirth Without Fear? I have a tendency to loan out my books and forget where they go...

So if you have them, could you let me know?

Stace, I have your Nursing companion book too, lol

Crisis Averted

We have a new Bodum (8 cup), and so all is well in the world of coffee in our house.

I should add that the coffee tasted really really good when we used it - even better than the old, which is strange... since they are essentially the same thing, but I am not complaining that we have a new one!

I cannot believe it broke

It was not my fault. The other half badly stacked pile of washed dishes (but he washed them!).
I went to turn a tap on at the sink, and it was a cascade of pots and plates. Directly on top of our Bodum.



*breaths*



yes. The 12 cup, lasts me a morning, beautiful, every faithful Bodum. Just as I start getting back into drinking real coffee. Just as I get myself hooked on my morning coffee. Just as I buy a brand new packet of beautiful coffee. Just as I get my period again. What the hell is a girl supposed to do?



*reaches for the wine glass*

Bare with me while I grovel

Please forgive me! I've been a slack blogger. I've just had zero inspiration to blog at the moment. Life has been busy, hectic, crazy, weird.

So. I have LOTS to catch up on.

First - I have been Tagged....

Seven random facts

Here are the rules:
1. Link to your tagger and post these rules on your blog.
2. Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird.
3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs.
4. Let them know they are tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

Now, pretty much everyone I know has been tagged - so if you read this thread and have NOT been tagged, consider yourself so. Leave me a post to tell me, and I'll come visit! :)

1. I have developed a fear of balloons. Helium ones specifically, but not exclusively. And it's only if they are rubbing near my ears. I freak out. Start hyperventilating almost. Sweat. Want to run away. Thank you Westfield Shopping Centre for providing my child with the balloon to start this fear.

2. I still dream in Danish often. But have to try and translate when I wake up. really weird. (I lived in Denmark for a year in 1997)

3. I have had surgery 3 times in my life.

4. Some days I wish I was uber Hippy. Others I wish I was just uber hip. I have bad sense in clothes, shoes and how to carry myself eloquently. I admire women who can be both hippy and hip/mainstream without much effort in their looks. And yes, my looks are important to me, don't shoot me.

5. I am a shopaholic with no boundaries with spending. I have no idea how to do it. Never worked it out. I struggle big time. If there is money there it burns a hole in my pocket, so I try not to have it. At the same time I loath the fact I cannot just go into a store and buy something because it is there. Money is one of my worst enemies. Myself is one of the other enemies.

6. I long for old friendships - even if they were toxic and bad for me. I reminisce about days-of-old, what we used to do, where we could have gone with the friendships. I mourn some of these often. Though at times, I am so glad these are out of my life.

7. I long to have my own car. Or a bike trailer. Though would need to get my bike out of the store room. Maybe I could try that today.
------------------

Ok... so that catch up is done.

next. Tara had the pox. It was not too bad, all things considered. Unless you take into account the worry and stress and self loathing I placed on myself for potentially infecting a tonne of people at the park because I mis-read some information I was given. So so so sorry still.

She got most of the spots on her face and her back left shoulder. They are all healed now, and barely a scab is left. Here is a photo to show the spots! (all the other photos are blurry. My "new" camera sucks!)



While we are talking about Tara... She's completely in knickers now - even for bed. Big yay! (not photo with knickers). Though most of the time she is naked from the waist down...



Here is a random photo of Tara over christmas holidays at nanna's house.



When we realised Tara had chickenpox we made a very quick trip down to the pet store and we bought some new residents for our house. We set the tank up in her room (we had the tank already - it just needed fish!) We have had one fatality, but the rest are doing fantastically! No names. They are just "Fiss!"




In other news, I am thinking about getting my nose pierced. Though I think about this at least once a year, so don't put much weight into it yet!

I am studying and reading lots at the moment. Still have not sent my ABA stuff in. I should print off the stuff today.

I have been doing OK on my domestic Goddess Challenge. I managed to clean my desk! *gasp!*

Here is a before (don't throw up or ridicule me! it takes a lot for me to show this!!)



and here is the after!



I am so VERY proud of myself! I have even catalogued my birth library of books! I have a program on my computer called eLibPro, as well as a program online LibraryThing - my list. I really love having all the details quickly available. Will be good for people to look at and borrow should they wish! :) I need to start collecting some more books though.. :) haha.

Talking of books, I am selling some. Anyone want a book on Cavaliers, Bonsai or weddings? I have a few self help books as well.

OK. I am going to publish this post and have a think about other things I need to inform the world about! for now, I'll sign off. mwah!

Lots of sighs

I wanted to write a big post, apologise for not being here for my dear blog, to tell the world I was still alive. Record some things about Tara, how she is growing and beautiful and the funny things she does.

Instead I want to cry, hide my head in a bucket and pray my child sleeps all night and that I can sleep in.

She's got the Pox, and while they are not bugging her, she's still sick and we are still stuck in a house for two weeks.

I know this will pass but I am feeling fragile and upset and I just want to run away tonight.

Hormones are playing a big part (Ovulation anyone?) but I don't really care much. Ok, I do, but not that much.

I miss a particular friend lots (waves to C) and her wisdom and guidance.

I am sick of listening to Hoop-de-do it's a wiggly party (doing my head in!!!)

Anyways. enough of me whinging. I am sure I'll have stuff happier to blog about in the future.

Much love to you out there.

K.

PS: we now have 6 fish.

Learning the Tarot

I am attempting to learn the Tarot at the moment. I need to learn the cards, and I will get there slowly, but at the moment I am asking the cards questions every now and then - dealing out cards (the number of cards is the first number to pop into my head), and then I use my special book to understand what the cards say.

Not technically the right way to do it, but I figure it's best to listen to the cards and my heart - 'cause that way I will get a better reading. At least, that's my reasoning and I am sticking to it for now!

I just asked the cards a simple question. Will I get my Homebirth?

The Star, The World, Strength.




For those who are in the know, care to elaborate?

For me I see it as this.

The Star: A positive card. New life, Faith, Hope.
The World: Finished, completion, End of a Cycle, Success and Fulfilment
Strength: Courage of Convictions, Full of heart, Desire, triumph, inner power

(these words are all taken from the book - I'm just drawing of the powerful words)

Not bad, eh?

Recent cards have said I'll have a Girl (complete opposite of Tara, and I had a vision of her that night - black hair and quiet... !) This is also weird as I have had really strong boy vibes for the last couple of months...

She'll have something to do with Aries (conceived or born?) and Pluto.. (pluto is a hard one, other than Pluto is in a year of change over at the moment and is back in the Sagittarian zone briefly next month on the Pisces and Aries cusp)

Um... and I did another card spread recently that quickly deciphered said that there is a bit of a journey (have I done that already, or is that to come?) until we get our next baby, but it will definitely happen and will be perfect.

Hippy much?

Domestic Goddess in Training

I am baking.

*gasp*

Yup. Proper baking even. Not a packet mix to be seen. I found a recipe on the Wide Web, and thought - that looks simple enough. I even have the ingredients (ok, so I went looking for a recipe that would fit my ingredients - including the singular egg in the fridge).

So I am making Banana Bread. Mmm. I hope it works. It smells good. Though that could be the tablespoon or so of cinnamon I dropped into the bowl. Or the Cardamom I put in first mistaking it for the cinnamon. (Doing well, aren't I!). Oh. And I put in 3 bananas because I am sure that's what the recipe called for (it called for two). So I could have a very wet sludgy loaf of bread because there is too much banana and not enough egg. And an extra teaspoon of baking powder.

I can hear you all laughing at me now!

Let's hope it works. It looks yum. smells yum. I just want it to taste yum.

February 13 - Sorry Day

Today is Sorry Day. The day the Australian Prime Minister said sorry to the Stolen Generations of Australian Aborigines, to their culture, to the elders, to the brothers to the sisters. A day where, as a nation, we all came together to remember the atrocities carried out in the name of our great country.

As one of the Redfern Aboriginal Men said

"This morning it rained - The tears of mourning the past. This afternoon it shines, the start of a bright tomorrow" (or something close! I lost part of it with the huge uproar of cheering)

It was very profound though.

And very moving.

Let us hope the tears never stop, and the sun never hides. We need to remember the past, and always strive for a brighter future.

I am so in love - I want for Tara's Room!

OK.. I made the mistake of going onto Etsy earlier. Anyways, I found an artist who I am in love with. Totally and unashamedly! I am going to have to save some pennies to buy some art. I think I wany 5 prints to hang on Tara's wall... $75US though... eep! I'll have to save some pennies... and then decide which ones I like.

So without further Ado... please go and visit Gorjuss! (this is the blog link - you can get to etsy from there!)

Suggest to me ones I should buy!

Birthing Dreams

It would be no surprise to some of my readers (all 4 of you!) that I sometimes have very vivid birthing dreams. Well, I had another one the other night and it was the most beautiful dream.

I thought I would share it with you.

------------

We are in the car, overseas somewhere because we are driving on the wrong side of the road. It is a freeway, but as I look out the window there is no traffic on the left side of the road coming towards us. The right side of the road was packed however and traffic was moving very slowly. Horns were blowing, people were cursing and there was anger floating like smog over our heads. I looked down the road and saw there was a lady walking towards us down the center of the freeway.

I got out of the car and walked towards her. She was a beautiful indian lady dressed in a sari of earthy tones. She would have been about 30, however she had grooves and wrinkles and lines across her face from the life she'd already walked. She'd had a hard life - she was beautiful, full of character and experience. We came face to face and I asked her what the trouble was. She said she did not know. I watched her face grimace. You are in labour, I told her. She reached for me with the next contraction and we knelt down on the ground together. We sat their silently. The traffic was still banked up and there was still abuse streaming around us. Her contractions were coming so thick and fast, but she barely made a sound.

Suddenly she looked into my eyes - deeply with her beautiful black pools and we were connected, and we were locked together. She reached for my hands and our fingers interlocked. She was kneeling up high, and pulling on my hands. I was pulling back to give her counter-action. Suddenly her sari stared moving. I reached down and felt under her robe and found the baby had been birthed. I grabbed the woman's hands and helped her lift up her baby. A chortling gurgle came from the child as it was place against her mother. You have a baby girl, I said. She looked at her daughter and the air suddenly felt clear. The traffic started moving, the sun came out and the little girl nuzzled for her mother's breast.

She looked at me and said thank you before using my shoulder as a balance to stand. She bowed her head in thanks and slowly walked down the road with her baby.

---------------------

So that was it. I woke up here, or at least cannot remember any more.

Does anyone care to decipher it for me? I have my own theories on it, which I will share in another post - but I want to hear if anyone else can read into this beautiful magical dream

Domestic Goddess Challenge #2

Do not doubt yourself.

Even when you think you are doing a crap job, but are definately trying do not let other people get to you. My mother said something last night on the phone to me about cleaning the house and I felt about an inch tall. I am SERIOUSLY trying to get my house in order, so the fact that a comment was made almost set me back to doing nothing.

I need to lift up beyond that.

So, here are some tips for the week ahead

When decluttering, if you have to think more than 3 seconds on whether you want it, you don't - so throw it out!

Be Bold and ask for help! If it feels too big, maybe it is. Some fresh eyes might benefit you here.

Take note of other people's houses and take something away with you as how they live their lives. It could be the way they sort their washing, to the way they have their crockery in the cupboard! Every house has a tip! You just need to see it.

Ikea is your friend. They know how to declutter and use space in their designs. Everything is functional. Take note of their lessons (I am yet to go there - Ally believes it is the most evil place on the planet!)

So... who do my top tips go to?

Kate at Picklebums for reminding me about Ikea
Casso for her tip on doing the arm sweep every time you pick up something from the floor. Oh, this is a good one that I MUST practise!

Here you go ladies!

Go and see Kylie!

http://littlebirdbluedesigns.blogspot.com/

I know Kylie from one of the forums I frequent and have followed her beautiful crafts for a while. Well, now she has a blog! And a business and website all up and running.

I urge you all to visit her, 'cause I think her stuff is fabulous!

The pain! The PAIN!

I found muscles I never knew existed today. And boy do they hurt now. I did a belly dancing introductory class and can I just say - OW!

I enjoyed it immensely! it was SO GOOD! But I suck at it. Sometimes it would be nice to have some natural physical ability (I sucked at sports too!). I don't think I was the worse in the class though - not that I was comparing or anything.

Belly dancing is all in an attempt to get me in better physical shape and prepared for another baby, and to have my hips and pelvis ready to turn a posterior baby, settle a breech, ease labour and use movements to speed it up. Whether it works will be a question best left after the next kidlet arrives though!

In the mean time I could do with a really really hot shower. And maybe a CD to practice some more!!

Aunt or Child?

So, I'm either pregnant, or Flo's about to knock on my door. I am feeling restless, hormonal, wired, sleepy. My hands feel like they are shaking, but they are not moving at all. My eyes are sleepy, but want to dart around. I am feeling flat, and like I am going to cry at any moment.

In fact I did cry a tear (a single one, because I was too afraid of being embarrassed!) when the lady at McD's (just shhh!) confirmed that indeed there were no Mini M & Ms for a McFlurry, and in actual fact, she could not even give me a flake with my sunday. She could offer me Chocolate Sauce *barf!* but that was it. So I cried and fought the tears and sat down so no one could see me.

Let's pray it is baby hormones and not Aunt. I really really do not want it to be her.

Domestic Goddess Challenge #1

OK. I admit it. I am a slob, and very poor house keeper. To put it bluntly, I suck.

After someone very dear to me told me my house was "pretty bad" after visiting (and me having a panic attack for the last 6 weeks over it), my new resolution is to become a Domestic Goddess.

Then I thought, well, maybe there are others out there just like me. Or some who have reached that Goddess Status and could impart wisdom to those like me who are on the road to discovery.

So I have a plan. I am inviting others to jump on the Band Wagon and either do a Domestic Goddess post about something you have done, how you did it, favourite tips, skills one needs - and leave a comment with the link so I can write about it in the next post. I'll do awards at the end of the month for my favourite tips! Complete with banner to add to your blog!

I want to learn the Art of how to get my house (and life) in order. I have started by scrubbing out the fridge and tossing anything that is remotely out of date. I am following a mum tip, and putting a bowl of Bicarb in the door to help ward off smells.

I have scrubbed the food cupboard, and restacked the food. I need to learn to buy wisely. And buy more fresh.

The cutlery draw has been washed and scrubbed. Everything in it (we someone was smart enough to put some wet stuff in the draw before we went away and it was mouldy when we came back!). HOwever, I was just reminded we got two cuttlery sets for the wedding, so one is going into the draw. I will toss the rest, and only keep the teaspoons. We always need more teaspoons.

I am going to toss out anything in the utility draw that I have not used in the last 3 months. I will buy a new set of cooking utensils.

Declutter the things I have in the kitchen. Organise the cupboards.

So. Here is the start of the journey. I am going to do this. I want others to join and help me on the way!

Come on, and link some posts! (I'll be waiting eagerly!)

Not yet.

Ok.. so I am a mama to a two year old and I am so utterly blessed. And as many may know we are hoping for a second child. It's a painful journey, becoming parents. My heart goes out to anyone who has tried to fall pregnant for more than a cycle, 'cause it really does your head in. And for those trying long time - I really feel for you.

Anyways, Tara was a blessed surprise. We had not planned kids yet, but she turned up. We feel truly blessed. However, I was always told I would have trouble having kids. When she came along, I thought they must have been wrong. (They being the "experts"). But when I think back over all I did as a teen, and all I went through as a young adult, and the medical issues I've gone through, I really start to wonder if maybe Tara IS a miracle baby. I know that all babes are miracles, but having supposedly never had a pregnancy before then (who knows if I missed any) I wonder whether or not she was just a fluke.

We've been trying for a wee while, but not long by any stretch of the imagination. It's weird to chart, and try and time and watch your body to optimise when you are going to fall pregnant. I try not to think about it too much. Recently I have been wondering though, if maybe I really do have some fertility issues. The infections, the hospitalisations, the careless escapades I had... make for some scary thoughts.

And seeing so many of my mothers group blessed with their second child or second pregnancy makes me long for it all that much more.

I am sure it will come.

Honeymoon..!

Ally and I had a honeymoon. Whisked away I was for a secret affair in the Grampians in a Couples Retreat. It was spesh! Champagne and Chocolates on arrival too.

We toured some wineries, drank coffee, dodged kangaroos. We did some shopping and walks and tourist centres. The weather was lovely to boot.

The place we stayed at was a self contained cottage backing onto the national park. I watched families of kangaroos use the back as a thoroughfare!

There was a king-size four poster bed, a very deep two person spa with a window that opened into the lounge so we could watch TV too.

Lovely place! And all without the child! Tara stayed with Nanna for the time we were away. Apparently she did not wake at all through the night! wow!

It was not too traumatising for either of us I do not think!

People should go on honeymoons more often!!!

Now it is my turn!

Bah Humbug! Now I am sick!

Tara is SLOWLY on the mend. She's got a flu virus of some sort that has manifested in a very nasty way resulting in a measles-like rash all over her body. She's eaten a bit today and is drinking again, but she's sleeping it all off (with the help of some medication). She's been in agony (screaming owie over and over for 4 days) so we've helped her calm down a bit.

The corners of her mouth have split and are infected, but getting better. It's halted any persistent booby that she may have wanted 'cause she can't open her mouth to feed effectively. Poor poppet.

But she did sleep all night (great for her), but as I came down with tonsilitis, I never managed to sleep through. I repeat, bah-humbug.


In other circles, I am sending love and light to my sister.

Tara is sick, take two.

Ok, so I mentioned the other day that Tara was a bit fever-ridden. Well it got worse over night and her temp was high - she was roasting in my arms! This morning she still had not drunk much or anything, so we booked an appointment with the Dr, just in case.

She was pretty well dehydrated, but ate a little this morning. Good sign. By the time we got to the Dr she was perky, but then she cracked the sides of her lips and started screaming again. Ouch.

we FINALLY got to see a doctor who, in 10 mins gave her the once over, and told us she "has a non-specific virus" with a "non-descript rash" that "should clear up soon".

That will be $50 thanks.

I know that we went there for a bit of piece-of-mind, but that was annoying. She's been clingy and such all afternoon and tonight has not let me go. And screams owie lots. Her skin is sore to the touch - or just sensitive I guess.

She at least drank tonight. And asked for more. Big step forward. And she finally weed this afternoon - 10.5 hours after her earlier wee. I hope she wees overnight. I cannot believe I am willing her to wee in her nappy. Though I would not mind her waking me to go wees.

I just want to sleep. Or have a shoulder massage, then sleep.

Argh.

There's a bear in there, and a booby too!

Playschool was WONDERFUL this morning!

Big Ted and Little Ted wore cloth nappies.

The window had a story about a new baby sister... and they did not blur out the nappy change! Not only that, they showed BREASTFEEDING! And on top of that they had open booby shots! And quote of the day goes to Jenny's big brother who narrated the piece who said

"It must be really good because she drinks a LOT!" (or something to that effect!)

Playschool, I love you.

It's hot. Awfully hot.

To touch the little girl. Tara Kate has a temp. And in 35 plus weather, it's a terrible time to get close to 40 degree temps herself.

She's miserable. She picked up for about an hour and a half but has dive-bombed again into a whiney little being. I feel for her. She slept a good portion of the day, but had to be in contact with me much of it so we sweated together.

I just need a break. Was up all night with her, and had her all day. Ally just got home a wee while ago from fishing.... it is his turn to parent for now :) 20 mins is all I ask.

Oh, and Pizza for dinner tonight.

Knickerbocker Knickerbocker Number Nine

Loves to dance and keep in time...!

That's not what this post is about though!

We went fishing this morning. Got up, put Tara in knickers and shorts and left the house.

We did not come home until 1pm. She did not wee the whole time. She was DRY the whole time. Came home, did a huge wee on the potty, back into knickers and hung out. Had another wee on the potty later and still in knickers! She was in knickers until she went swimming in nanna's wading pool, then naked, then a nappy for the pub, and a nappy for bed.

SO basically, all day... in big girl knickers!

You could knock me down with a feather!

Ending a journey

I guess I can put this out here now. Now that it is actually happening.

Tara is weaning.

We are down to 1 feed every 2-4 days at the moment. If that. It's usually at night, and if she is inconsolable. Other times if she wakes we just sing and she goes back to sleep.

I must admit that I am feeling a touch of relief with the whole thing. As much as I adored breastfeeding in the beginning, some of my personal struggles later on made it a more difficult journey as she got older. I probably refused more than I should have, but I did offer occasionally.

I guess we will have the odd feed together for a little while yet, though who knows, she may have had her last feed.

When I think about her having her last feed ever, I cry a little. But at the same time I am so proud of the two year mark we made. Although happy about her weaning, I am also sad about loosing that part of our relationship. It's a hard thing to judge my true feelings on.

It's just another step on the road I guess. This journey ends, and another will begin.

Happy New Year - Welcome 2008

I was looking forward to doing a really special start of the year post, but instead I am feeling miserable and cranky.

Last night I thought I was pregnant. This morning my Period arrived.

It is amazing the emotions you can go through in such an amount of time. I'd thought for Days I could have been pregnant - I mean, I'd done a test and was sure I could see a line, but knew that others would not be able to see it. I was very late with my period and was clinging onto hope. Well the new year brought me just another Flo'

I'm disappointed, a little sad, a little bit in pain (physical). I guess we'll get there.

So, I thought about new years resolutions. I am not one for making them much. I usually break them. The feeble attempts to wish away my weight, get a degree, do something exciting. yada yada. This year will be simple.

*Visit a Naturopath
*Learn to be a cleaner person
*Clean the backyard
*Get Pregnant
*Have a homebirth
*Do my ABA counselling course
*Resume my CBI course
*Launch Mamaluna
*Be gentler to Tara
*Be deeper with Ally

That's all I need to focus on I think. I think that's a fair bit actually. I hope I have the strength to do it all.

So I'm going to sign off. I promise to do the Christmas blog post soon... I'll back date it so keep an eye out.

In the mean time. Happy New Year. Love to all.