Welcome precious little one!

At 3.14pm yesterday afternoon (27th of May) my lifelong friend, Lisa, gave birth to a little girl - ELLA PAIGE, 8lb, 5oz.

Congratulations Lisa and Andrew!

All that I never was...

We just got Tara's BC... (I was slack, alright...)

I did not realise that they actually put occupation on the certificate... I just figured it was for "statistics"...

I've not stopped crying since.

"Dog Walker"

it just reads "Looser Deadbeat Parent" to me...

*sighs*

It's as if those two words have summed up just how useless I sometimes feel...

I would have felt better if it read "Graphic Designer" (which is what I see myself as) or a secretary, or student...

So many things to do... and so little time!

I was hit by a truck today... when I remembered half of the things I need to do ;)

Send Sue folio package
Send Ali folio package
Send Bek folio package
Send Mel folio package
Send Ali rest of folio package
Finalise NM logo

Am busy tomorrow...
Am free Monday, so guess what I am doing then ;)
Am busy Tuseday morning with mothers group, then Nappycino/advocacy meeting
Am free Wednesday - I think....
Yoga Thursday
Working Friday.

Oooh! I forgot to mention it here! I have been hired back by my old company to do some casual graphics work for them! It is actually very exciting for me. I go to the office once a week for the first two weeks, and then not sure after that. Tara comes with (part of my work conditions)... Very exciting. As much as Stacey can attest to how much I loathed this place when I was working there, I think a lot of that had to do with me being burnt out...

Yay for me setting down the T and C!!

Bubbles for Bubblebub of the Month!

I am hearby launching Tara's campaign to be June's Bubblebub of the month!

Her photo is uploaded and voting may begin!

www.bubblebubs.com.au

Find the gallery and make her a star!

Go to your happy place...

On Wednesday (yes, I am a slack blogger!) we went to Currambena information morning. Currambena (The Happy Place) is a democradic school in Lane Cove. Apart from Tara almost having her eye ripped out by an over-enthusiastic one-and-a-bit-year-old, I really liked the school.

People keep asking why we are looking at schools so early, afterall Tara is only 5.5 months old. The fact is if we want to send her to this school, it influences where we will live, what we do, where I work (if I go back to work - unless we have another bub)... things like that. There is no waiting list as such for Currambena, it's not for everyone, but I wanted to know in my mind if it is where we want to send her. Personally, I love the school. It is small and friendly. The children are flowing with charisma, confidence and personality. The teachers are referred to by first name and everyone has a say in the day to day running of the school.

I was worried about how Ally would take the school, but I was pleasantly surprised by his reaction. The model is based similarly on Giant Steps, where he works and so it make it really easy for him to understand the way the system is. The way goals are set out, how they progress through the levels, how they interact with the world outside of Currambena. He was not turned off completely. So we will explore it as an option some more.

One of the main reasons we are looking at it now is that they also have pre-school. They can start any time after they are 3 and toilet trained. They can go two or more times a week and then progress into the primary sector. The big kids interact with the little kids and it's just one big happy place.

We will see.

Tara is little miss whing-pot at the moment. Increased need for LOTS of sleep, not as frequent feeding though, and lots of crying... poor pet. Hopefully things settle down again.

Um... got more to say, but am running late! argh. Story of my life

So widdle...

... a baby I held today. It was as if I was holding air! He felt so pure, so fragile, as if he needed to be swaddled in silk and nestled in a bed of angel wings.

Darling Jack.

May you be blessed with health, prosperity and love, always.

*gush*

He is smaller now, at 14 days, than Tara was when she was born. He has not even reached his due date yet...

So precious. I wish I'd remembered to take a photo.

Oh, how bad!

Angel Hair Pasta (I used the inch long stuff)
One tin of Flavoured Tuna
One spoonful of whole egg mayo
Cheese.

Cook Pasta
Mix in Tuna
Add Mayo
Serve and sprinkle cheese on top.

Anyone would think I am not going out for dinner tonight with what I have eaten today!

I even started off with Triple Choc Fudge Brownies! And an apple and cinnamon muffin (no fooling you here with healthy stuff, it was packet mix with tinned baking apples)

What a Mother of a Day!

Well yesterday was my VERY FIRST Mother's Day. I will never have tomorrow back, sure there will be other Mother's Days (like other birthdays, other children, other anniversaries) but there is something special about the first.

I was given a Hallmark Card (proceeds go to Breast Cancer research) that had Thanks, Thankyou, Thanks THankyou all over the front...
Then "you thought being a mother was a thankless job" on the inside.
The message left was "I especially like that milk thing you have going on, Tara"

Hehe. Ally's humour.

I was given a heavy silver necklace which is lovely, and will get a pendand of some sort to go on the front at some stage.

*happy sigh*

It could have been worse...

... he could have put them in the dryer.

*sighs*

My Easter Dreams 3/4 pants that I made for Tara will never be the same again. They are all fuzzy. He even managed to wash them with some of her nappies with velcro tabs.. you can see where they stuck to the wool...

What is so frikken hard about these requests...

• Keep Tara's stuff separate from your own
• Whites do not go with black or blue or red
• No woolens in the wash at all
• Nappies can be washed in their own load

ARGH

I just want to cry. What the fuck am I doing a knitting course for if he is just going to bloody wreck everything.

He did not even say sorry.

Men.

My heart it breaks, just a little more.

Life can be so terribly difficult at times.

Last night I was talking to mum. She said that my sister has (finally!) been put on anti-depressants. For so long I have hoped she would either get medical help - or would be happy again. But realistically knew medication might be the better way. I sincerely hope that this will help her. She is so beautiful, the dark cloud that often follows many in our family, just over-shadowed her so much.

The other news of course that goes with this, is that my little brother (19) was told about the sexual abuse that my sister and I battled through at the hands of my uncle. My poor baby brother felt the weight of the world fall on his shoulders. He understood that we were protecting him and is sorry that it happened to us. However his is like a wounded bull at the moment, seeing red. The man he worshipped for so many years as a father figure, the man he trusted so much, hurt his big sisters in a way that no man ever should. I can only imagine how hurt he is feeling right now.

We are just begging that he never tells my father. However, as mum pointed out last night - this is something that may just have to go with the territory, and that we may one day have to tell dad. Not looking forward to that day.

My thoughts are to want to fix everything. I want to hold my sister, tell her how special she is, tell her I love her, and tell her it will be alright. I want to hold my brother, tell him I am sorry, tell him I love him, and tell him he can stop fighting the world. I want to hold my mother, tell her it is not her fault, tell her I love her, and tell her she did not fail us.

Maybe my sister could come live here for a while, clear her head. Maybe that just won't work at all. Maybe that is just me being selfish. I do not know. I have no answers. Maybe that is what is eating me more.

Bend over world, I'll kiss all the arse you want, if it will make my sister stand in the sunshine again.

Of this, of that, and of the other

This is going to be in no particular order as I have lost the road map to my memories.

Would you take offense to someone saying "We don't pick [baby] up all the time, or mollycoddle [baby]. We love them, but we don't have to bend to every whim and whine. It's just not right" Knowing full well the people making this comment know my parenting style. They always ask me if I would like to put Tara down in the Baby's room in the bassinette, or even just on the bouncer. I almost always decline - she stays on me :P Or I put her on their couch.

How would you react if someone said to you "I think I probably spend equal time between [Baby], [Child] and the house. That's not too bad I guess. You, you appear to give everything to Tara. You are just her 100%, aren't you?!"

The deb ball was brilliant. The dress was made (thanks to me!) wednesday night, and finished over the next two days (around the clock) until 30 mins after the professional photos were taken. haha. it was a beautiful dress with a gorgeous hand beaded bodice. Amazing. Glad to have been a part of it.

Tara's Dress was thanks to Ali from Craft Alley. It was deep purple crushed velveteen with a purple underdress and a purple sash. I then beaded the bodice with purple stars with silver diamonte things in them. The sash was dolled up with some silver ribbon. The dress was just BEAUTIFUL. Photos WILL come. Tara looked amazing. THe dress has some room to grow which is fantastic.

Fluffy Mail I have received the last two weeks:

• RNW Secret Swap - Hand made and felted clogs with beaded dragonflies
• RNW Secret Swap - Lilac dragonflies nappy with lilac velour inner
• 3 Nappies from Cherubs Kiss - Lilac bugs, Ivory leopard, HB basic black with neon butterflies
• 3 Nappies from Itti Bitti Nappy Co. - Coffee cats, days of the week dogs, rainbow stripes and spots.
• 1 Sassy Sling from Bear Hug Baby - Black with Dragonfly pannel, and dragonfly applique over the shoulder.
  
• The dress for Tara
  

All of the above was simply amazing. I am so blessed to be surrounded by talented people who want to do a trade with me. I feel spesh! Photos, will of course, come.

I have some logos finished - and ones I can brag about to boot! The Pookey Pockets one, the design is the original design of the owner, but instead of being a photo with text I digitised the whole thing by hand to make it an image. Four Bags Full can be seen at OZeBaby.com.au.

Poor Tara is Little Miss Cranky Pants today... I think she's having great trouble with her teeth. Her face is flushed, she is sucking her bottom lip, refusing to sleep and screaming lots. Poor thing.

In an age where technology brings us all so much closer together, to day I feel so terribly far away. Hugs sweetheart. That's all that needs to be said.

I start my course tonight. Knitting for beginners. once a week for two hours a week on wednesday nights. I have expressed Tara some milk It will be enough for her to have a snack about 8pm if needed... Hopefully she will have a big bath with daddy too. I am looking forward to the course- but scared about being apart from Tara. But it will be good for the two of them to have some "Time without mummy looking over daddy's shoulder" time.

I got to see mum on Friday night/Saturday morning. Was sooo nice. Even if she appeared to be more happy to see Tara than either of Ally or myself ;)

Hoping to go to Queensland August/September WOOT!

CSI to watch... this will have to do for now ! LOL

Too pissed to think of catchy heading..

... just came back from visiting my family... will do a nice lovely post about that tomorrow.

In the mean time going to yell and scream...

Dog fucking shat in the car - on my leg - on my doona - the smell is fucking everywhere!
The washing machine still is not fixed so I cannot even put stuff in the wash...
The dog is being a right bitch
The cats are fighting
I am sick of the bugs in the house...
I miss my mum
I miss my family
I hate peak hour traffic in sydney

I am sure I could think of more, but I am too upset... everything just comes crashing down.

Please mind your head, Rants flying above.

Oh for fucks sake. She is 14 months old. She wants her mum. She wants to be held and cuddled. Not left in a cot upstairs to "grizzle and mumble and cry herself to sleep for the next, hmm, hour" OK, I understand your life has gone to shit right now and you had to get the kids out. Totally agree. Just don't go telling me how to raise my fucking daughter.

It is not fair to leave me to mind your child while she is crying upstairs, longing for someone to hold her. It is not fair to leave me to not know what to do. I don't want to interfere in your child's life nor your parenting, but don't expect me to compromise my own beliefs just because you have taken over my spare room.

ARGH

And as for Tara crying yesterday....

"It's ok to put her in cot to cry you know"

"I don't do it that way" [insert bad swearing thoughts in my head]

She'd fallen on her fucking head so probably had a headache, not to mention the fact she appeared to have a runny bot so might have had a tummy upset. I am not going to fucking leave her to cry it out just because "she'll be alright!!"

Must get out of house before I kill someone.