Happy Birthday Beautiful Girl

My dearest Tara

At 3.43pm on the 29th of November, you were brought into this world in a hurry by the doctors. Things had not gone completely to plan, but none-the-less, you were now earthside and in our arms.

I still do not know where the year has gone. Some days it feels like only yesterday that I met you for the first time. Others, it feels like a lifetime ago - as if I have known you like I know my own face.

I love watching you grow and change, and at the same time I hate seeing how fast it is occuring - you are now a toddler, a little girl - no longer the tiny baby I held in my arms on that first day. You are your own person now - and only reliant on me for the milk that sustains you. You love your independance, and you show yourself defiant often. I can do it mum, echos from your body. One day it will echo from your words.

With a full head of hair, you arrived, and even now your hair is a defining part of who you are. It is long, reddish brown, and constantly in your eyes. I must remember to clip it back. I tie your hair up in all matter of ways. Two pigtails are a favourite - your dadda calls this Pixie Hair. When you have one on top of your head, everyone compares you to Pebbles from the flintstones.

Pixie, Possum, Bubba, Bubba-girl, Sweetheart, Gumnut Baby, Fairy, all of these and more are names people call you. Possum is your daddy's favourite at the moment. "Hello, Possum" he says every time he sees you.

I feel so blessed to have you choose me to be your mama. Sometimes I wonder how I got to be so lucky. You are amazing, with a smile that lights up a room. Even now, asleep on my lap, smiles keep darting across your face.

Tara, thankyou for the first year. I wish I could express just how special this day is to me. I love you baby girl. We all love you.

Mama

Nothing.

I have no present. No Card. Nothing to give Tara tomorrow.

fuckit.

Tara feeding

this is not Tara's first feed, but it is in her first 24 hours.

Tara arrives

This is the moment Tara arrived.

A little emotional...

I'm a little emotionally tender today. Tomorrow is my baby girl's Birthday.

Arrival

Kick, turn and poke
Rhythmic dances
Internal
A secret language
Mother and child
Unborn
Grace and violence
Comfort and pain
Ripples chant and flow
Come forth
Daughter
Come to my hands
From my womb
Fear embraces
Silence
Music felt in the heart
Blood and tears
Mine
Ours
A baby Girl
Our Masterpiece

One Year Ago.

Ok.. writing this a bit early because I want to go to bed...

One year ago, 10.40pm I had the intense scream in my head that said "Quick, Stand up!" As soon as I did, I knew my waters had broken.

One year ago, I sat at this computer and let people know things might start happening. I was excited. Willing it to start. My baby girl was on her way.

One year ago, I twiddled my thumbs. Chewed my nails. Paced the hallways. TV has it wrong, contractions do not always start with waters breaking.

One year ago my life changed. One year ago is when I knew everything would be different from that moment on. One year ago, my Daughter decided she was (almost) ready to be here.

One year ago...


(to be continued on Wednesday...)

Parties! Argh!

Gotta love it when people drive 6 hours to come to a Party... only to arrive on the wrong fricken day!!!

We went out for dinner with my Dad and his wife last night, and had a superb meal. Oh wow.

Had a lovely evening, was very nice. Tara got the little people barn yard set... *love* little people!! It is funny, 'cause I was looking at that yesterday for her... lol.

Might get Tara a necklace for her birthday (thanks Leah!). Ally would get her ears pierced if he had a choice... I am still not sold on it.. though she would look *so* cute and girlie!! but the pain.. not sure. then again, her reaction to the injections the other day was fine... go figure.

So... my numbers for my party (tara's party) are going up and then down. I am having a one year olds birthday... and some people have now decided not to bring their kids. Not happy jan. I understand it is a restaurant - but if I wanted ONLY adults, I would have gone somewhere a little posher than a Tex Mex place.. I hired this place because of these kids!!! argh.

So now... I need to work out who is coming...

Ally and Me and Tara
I
H and G
J and N
J and L
C and S
S (poss)


So much for increasing my table to 20... I lost 4 people just last night. Oh well. not going to stress. It's less cakeage charge I need to pay!

It's Official

I'm a Doula Student.

Rove and Belinda

I just watched channel ten's coverage of the funeral.

The footage of their bridal waltz... so so so touching

Funerals and death always yank my heartstrings and make me cry

She fought so hard, at least she can rest now.

On the path to being a Doula.

I keep thinking that I am stuck in a rutt waiting to get this doula course signed up. And then I was thinking today about everything I have accomplished in regards to getting on that path.

*I have my senior first aid certificate
*I have been reading books - Michael Odent's Birth Reborn being one of them, and Birth your Way by sheila kitzinger being another.. as well as having tracked down Birthing without violence at a second hand place - that also has midwifery texts too!
*I am participating in Doula chats, reading, reseaching and familiarising myself with the profession
*I have done the "Guide to becoming a Doula" course with CBI, and have the whole thing printed out ready to go in my folders...
*I have researched for 6 months the courses offered or available to me - though many are prohibitive due to cost, I at least know all my options
*I have spoken with care providers and educators at the local hospital and have their blessing to attend one of their classes
*have worked out care for tara (almost) for one day a week next year so I can have a study day
*spoken to some people in regards to a style of care I could offer my clients if they so wished it - and have the resources to do more - it is very exciting, though I need to train first!
*am 80% decided on a name.

So I have done a fair bit.
Now things I need to do..

*sign up for the course (this is a big one!)
*join the maternity coalition
*join Birth Choices
*read read read


so... there you have it... not so bad after all...

----------------------

*cries* The shot of Rove hugging a sobbing Peter Hellier just sent me over the edge. and then a shot of him Carrying her to the hearse. Trying to be so strong... *weeping*

Why does it bug me?

OK, so I know that parenting is a choice, and parents do what they feel is best. No one intentionally (at least I hope not!) saying "I am going to just use this method even though it may harm my child" Any parenting method is usually used after some thought before implementing it.

I know also, being an APer, that my parenting choices are often critisised and thought to be hippiesque, left-of-centre, and potentially creating "rods for my own back". However, I am not prepared to have my child "cry it out" just so that I can get a good night's sleep.

So, anyways, this morning I was reading a few blogs and a couple of them were talking about how successful sleep training had been and how their child slept through the night and needed to learn how to self settle. I just kept thinking of these babies crying and screaming for their mamma's and their mamma's not coming... I know I have abandonment issues myself, but I just keep thinking of these poor kiddies being left alone while Gina Ford, Tracey Hogg and Tizzie Hall make money off their distress.

Having said all of that - today I would be really happy if my child would just fall back to sleep in the night. I feel very sick, dizzy, sore, yuck. In fact, if my boobs hurt I'd say I had mastitis - but they are fine, empty and drained. I know what has caused part of my pain (oops)... but I really should not be feeling this bad... ugh. I cannot even see right.

But this whole sleep issue has me thinking about Tara and going into care next year. It's only going to be one day, from about 8 until 3 at the most (with a midday booby to help). How will she settle for someone else? Will she just scream herself into oblivion because she does not have me to suckle from? WOuld she fall asleep for Ally if he rocked her? I think we might have to try some stuff over summer to see if we can get her used to him putting her to sleep during the day. I have the sears sleep book here - so hopefully that will give me some help.. I just need to read it.

My mould from the US has not arrived yet.. I am getting antsy. I need it by Tuesday at the latest!!

Tara is getting closer to walking. SHe is more and more often not holding onto things - and thinking about it. She crawls everywhere - but she's not far off walking.

People should get invites today or monday.

I have to do some sewing today... finish a pressie for tomorrow. Mothers Group shared birthday party tomorrow.

ugh.

It's the thought that counts...

If people don't know what to get me for my birthday - here is a head start :D

Winning, and loosing.

Today I lost $3 on a horse race...
Today I won a Scrapbooking kit on the same race...
Today I lost the money I won when I lost the horse race ($1 for coming last!)

I had a very influential friend/aquaintance bless - and encourage - my decision to become a doula this week. My fear of treading on her toes, although misplaced and stupid because it should not matter, was holding me back a little. She was so enthusiastic for me, it has really given me a push. Now I am just waiting for someone to get back to me before making a final decision, and then hopefully starting the course ASAP.

I spoke to my dad for the first time last night regarding the abuse. I did not know how to call him or even start - so I am glad he contacted me at home. I spoke too much to him about what happened. He did not need to know some of the stuff I spilled. I didn't want him to know, he did not need to know.. but he does. It's not bad, just, would have been more comfortable with him not knowing. oh well. He kept fishing a little to have me give him permission to pummel the guy's head in. I was strong enough to ignore his plight.

Last night a mother and a father held their departed daughter in their arms for one last night.

I'll be holding mine a little tighter tonight.

Life is a bumpy ride some times