Teen Fit Camp

I just watched this and felt slapped in the face. Why? Because the guy (declaring love to the girls) was me. Can sometimes still be me.

I used to jump into telling people I loved them, that I wanted to be with them because I felt no real emotion. I ate for emotion. Food was my feelings. So I would confuse friendship with love. Then I would grasp at straws to have them declare love for me because it would mean I was worth something.

More often than not I was paid with pity. Occasionally a quick fuck, and then pity. Or embarrassment. Or worse, disdain and hatred.

That was my life. In some respects, I think it still is. My self confidence became non existant because it relied on how I felt through my appearance. Now I have almost become nonchalant about it.

I am to be a bride in 4 months and 1 week. I'm going to be a size 18 as I doubt I will loose much weight before then. Do I want to? Hell yes. Why won't I? because I can't - no, won't put in the effort. I don't FEEL much any more. I feel "whatever" about being fat. I got used to it. I just don't buy clothes. I just don't look in the mirror. I don't have my photo taken because I hate who I am in any of the above circumstances.

People would comment on how being a mother really suits me. But those comments stopped when the weight came on again. I got down to 70kg just after Tara was born. I liked how I looked. But then it came back on - even with all the walking I do, and the healthier food I eat.

I wish I cared. But frankly, no one really cares about it around me either. Ally tells me if it worries me, then do something. I would love to go to the gym! Will he pay the money for me to go? Would he go with me? Is their a creche? There are always reasons not to, excuses.

My life is full of excuses. To be honest, I just don't think I love myself enough to put the effort in. It is pathetic, I know. But that is just how I guess it is. I am once again the back seat passenger (I have spoken about being backseat with Tara's birth). That's just me. I need someone to take the lead - to show me. Force me. Help me.

So while I watch Teen Fit Camp and feel for the lad jumping from girl to girl, knowing that was me, I will cry for him. I will cry for me. And I'll be content to be the fat bride walking down the Aisle.

OMG. it is here!!!! Well.... there!!!

My mum is in possession of my dress.

OMG.

It is in the country.

It is in her house.

It is real.

OMG.

OMG.

OMG.

I get to see it on the 29th of June.


ARGH!

A feast for the eyes!

The cake is a very important part of the reception. It's desert!!

Imagine a white and chocolate marble mudcake with something like this...



Now, I think we will have black ribbon around the bottom layer of the three tiers. Not sure about flowers/toppers/whatever yet. I am quite taken by the slabs of white chocolate on the bottom image. Kinda funky and different. But I love the floatiness of the other swirls.

I just love the chocolate coloured cake - look at all that Lindt!!! Yummo!

Mental Note: Children need supervision!

Yes, it is true! I have discovered that children of the 18 month age spectrum really should have close attention paid to them during the day. It is a sad fact that many of them learn how to entertain themselves when allowed to explore their surroundings (of which are not toddler proof!).

Below you will see the evidence of such a misfortune. Pay close attention to the fingers, and the mouth.

Watercolour paints are really not edible, contrary to toddler beliefs.

It's a game!

In the above image are two bridesmaids posies that I just love for my bridesmaids. THe others I just love anyways for inspiration sake... LOL!

Pick the two and comment!

And the person who picks the right ones...you will win a gold star!!!

The Centerpieces decided.

OK... so I am going to be a bit quiet about these (gotta keep some things secret!)... but I am after some stones/bricks/rocks of granite/sandstone/bluestone/something...

It needs to be 20 x 20 cms wide/long and preferably a minimum of 20 cms high. Rough cut would be good. Cheap really good.

If you have pictures, please send them my way. Google images is not working so I can't source some to show you what I mean (though I will edit this post when I can).

Oooh.. they are going to be so pretty...

It's a piece for the center.

Oooh.. it is a big picture! but I needed the extra detail! Here are a few pictures I have collected from the wedding forum, and also from google images.

Now, I love most of these for one reason or another... But Ally is not a floraly person! Our tables are big round ones - so I am trying to think what will look good, but not be lost on the table. I also want people to be able to talk fairly freely. That's why a huge bunch of flowers in the middle of the table will not be good.... though something in tall vases would be ok (except for the whole, Ally not liking flowers thing).

So...does anyone have any other ideas?

Setting the Table...

Black is a big theme colour for the wedding, so we want to have it on the tables. So here is a storyboard mockup of some ideas. Though, I think we will just have small square tablecloths on top of the white (not going over the sides) with a decorative trim.

ANother option would be to have black table runners across the table.

I really love the black and silver on the long table as shown in on of the pics - but I think our bridal table has skirting all around it.

I'll do a post on centrepieces soon :)

Close your eyes quick - it's another wedding post!

Yes yes... I know you are probably sick of it. But blogger is my outlet!

So, as I promised my little sister I would do a post on Boutoniers/Bouttonieres/Buttonholes/Corsages, I thought I had better make good and cough up the post.

So, here is a pic of lots of different ones that I really like - and could get inspiration from quite a few of them. SOrry about the quality of the picture, I did not want it to be too big for you all...

I love the green used in the little dodgy pic on the right.
I love the top two on the right side
I love the calla lily with the vine spiraling around it
I love calla lilies fullstop.
I love phalaenopsis orchids (no pics)
I love singapore orchids too (no pics)

I am aiming for white/burgundy colours. I think I want my bridesmaids to have white posies of singapore orchids.

I want mum and yvonne to have corsages, a little more extravangant than the others. I want David and Dad to wear them, maybe Hayley and Steve. Ally is refusing. But he is the groom so that's his call.

My dress will arrive at the end of June.

I want my mum and my auntie kate to do readings. I think I know which ones. Mum reading a John Shaw Nielson poem, Love's Coming. JSN was one of Bill's favourite poets. I also did that poem as a study in year twelve. It reminds me of home. of Bethany. Of old times. I get a good feeling from it.

Aunty Kate I want to read the Apache Wedding Blessing at the end of the ceremony to conclude the service. I think Ally would really love to have Kate do that. We will ask her when we visit.

Anyone reading this blog, want to do a reading? hahah!

I really really really need to do a to do list and a done list. I need to stick it on the wall and cross things off the to do list... a big one so that Ally can see it too.

I have to make appointments with the celebrants.

I need to get my birth certificate from Melbourne.

I need to do a lot of things!!!

Maybe I just need to go to bed.

Sexual Discrimination

Did you know that a woman can change her surname to be that of her new husband without having to pay anything, or fill out new forms.

HOWEVER

the husband is not allowed to change his surname to that of his new wife. he must pay $127 for the privilage.

This is in NSW and TAS... Victoria is unsure. They say you can on their website, but then state that VicRoads may need a formal name change (they do not specify which spouse may need to do it formally). Not sure about other states.

There is no formal LAW that states this. It is purely based on Marriage Custom.

Ouch goes my Tara...

Tara has this amazing knack to just walk off steps. I have been trying to teach her to go down backwards, hold onto things... all that stuff, but going down stairs always has me catching my breath.

Today she was walking around the playground with my bag over her shoulder looking very cute. I look up to see her going up the stairs and I think... awwh, she'll be ok.. she's going up...

look away for a moment and then something tells me to look back and she is face first at the bottom of the 3 stairs.

Crying.

My bag must have held her back as she tried to go up, and she over balanced and fell back. The steps were brick and so she has grazed down her forhead and cheek near her eye on her left side. Poor thing. She was very shocked.

She was more worried about the sand in her mouth and on her hands though!!!

Poor thing has been over tired and miserable tonight though... she has cried lots... she had a 20 min sleep today and that was it!

Argh... they can tear your heart out!

I heart Ebay

I am now the proud owner of thise xcept mine will be ivory.

Unfortunately I am having to wait for the seller to contact me as there was some fine print I did not read. well done me. *cough*

Getting Dressed

Tara is obsessed with getting into clothes at the moment. She find the clothes basket and puts things on over her head and is so chuffed.

But guess what her favourite piece of clothing is....



My underwear.

Yes, you read right. My underwear. She wears them either as scarves over the head, or as shrugs around the shoulders (arms through the leg holes and around the back).

As much as it is awfully cute to watch.. it's just a little unnerving. I have visions of creepy old men stealing knickers off clotheslines!

Ebay vibe me baby!

Ok... bidding ends in 2 hours and 10 mins. Send me those Ebay Vibes girls, for my veil! I missed out last time, I do not want to miss out this time. I am looking at spending about $55US for it. It's retail value in australia would be about $300AU...

eep!!

Drawstring bags are 2/3rds made... I ran out of fabric.. then I ran out of thread... then I broke my sewing machine. I have 18 made...


Does anyone know how to make your own rubber stamp, or know of where to order one? I want a custom one 8 x 8 cm... the type you use for stamping cards/scrapbooking etc


I need to do my invitations in the next month... I should take them to get professionally printed and trimmed.

I am writing vows and ceremony at the moment. I really like the vows I have come up with. Ally apparently likes the "traditional" ones. I asked if it was because it was less work for him to do. Yes. LOL.. men are so funny.

I need to ask some family members to do some readings.. :)

There are some people I would love to come to the wedding but I just don't think it will be possible.... oh well.

Contacted Cake Lady yesterday. Going to hopefully finalise that when we are down in warrnambool.

Thinking of doing my makeup trial in Melbourne with the girls there.. :) Then buying the make up and leaving it at mums.. she'll be the one doing it I think.

Ally has his suit! *rejoices*

Need to make my fascinator.

Having my jewellery custom made. Need to finish off the website for that. She is also making Mum's jewellery and Tara's jewellery.

Need to make Tara's dress.

Argh. there are lots more needs on this list... but my brain is fried.

I wish my cold would go.


Tara is very conversational at the moment. NO one can understand - except when she says "Mey!" She means "Me Me Me" she wants what she wants when she wants it.. LOL. Very funny.

Day Care lady got in trouble yesterday. She's a little weird... not sure if I like her yet, but she is wonderful with the kids and Tara really likes her.. so that is alright... it's not like I feel completely yucko.. the lady is just young and strange...

ok.. going to watch my ebay tick away...

Snot another bloody cold.

We have all been fighting off colds. I did not have one (was fighting it really well) until tuesday night. Tuesday got a little worse... Then it kinda hit.

Then Tara got sick.

Green snotty nose sick.

She's been miserable and not sleeping well - which leads to me not sleeping well! She is doing ok though I guess.

It was a real bummer as I was meant to be working at Giant Steps yesterday (she was going to be in care at the school) but because she was sick I pulled the plug.

She's purking up a bit now which is good... hopefully it'll be gone by monday!

Oh No! Not gone!

Tara's bracelet - the one we bought her when we left hospital... is missing.

I just noticed her wrist today.

Looked at photos from a party on saturday - not there...

It's in photos taken on Tuesday. So it went missing between tuesday and saturday and I have only just noticed!

I want to cry and bawl and cry...


To top off a great morning, the cats broke our camera knocking it off the TV.

Can you tell I am having a great morning?

La vie en Rose

Does anyone reading my blog have any Édith Piaf CDs?

Merci!

Sleep in? what Sleep in?!

Was thinking I would have a nice sleep in this morning. Tara needed a feed so fed her, got her to roll over, I moved over to Ally's side (who got up ridiculously early) and went back to sleep....

*beep beep beep*

Ally's alarm goes off... so I yank at it and pull it and slam my fingers randomly on the keys (it's his mobile) to turn it off. and I go back to sleep.

*beep beep beep*

Repeat the above though, drop it on the floor this time, on the other side of the bed rail and cannot reach it, almost fall out of bed. Put the phone on the bed head this time. and doze back to sleep

*beep beep beep*

This is the insert mental scream. Try and find the off button. Try not to wake the child. Scream a little (on the inside). Huff. Puff. Admit defeat and get up.

Tara remained asleep

Shoes News..

I went to a bridal shoe store today and tried on a pair of shoes I normally would not.

They were beautiful. Lovely. Stunning. But I would need to alter them a bit. And they are hugely expensive (well, for me)... but they were just beautiful!



They do come in the perfect colour for me... but none available... so I could go straight ivory instead...

Am going to still look around though ;)

Lost.

Missed out on the auction. I was not paying good enough attention, and tara fell asleep at the wrong moment.

bugger!

Send me some of those Ebay Vibes...!

I am hopefully about to buy my veil on Ebay.

I am enlisted the help of one of those sniper programs, because, well, I don't want my net connection to melt down at the wrong moment in time.

So send me some of those "Win your auction" ebay vibes.



In other news, Tara is currently dressing herself....





..... in my underwear. It's funny how a large pair of knickers make a wonderful stole. *boggle*

A little more conversation.

Tara decided yesterday she enjoyed talking on the phone (instead of the silent treatment given to most) and hand a full conversation with me while I was at work.

Have no idea what she said, but it sounded interesting.

I love my munchkin