We're all going on a Summer Holiday...

Tomorrow, ridiculously early I might add, we are going on holidays for a month. Not sure how often I will be able to post/update/read/whatever...

So I wanted to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas, a safe and prosperous new year and a peaceful and joyful time with those you love.

If anyone needs me - you can email :) or phone :) If you need to write, email and I will give you the address.

I'm off to see my mummy!

I'll just blame it on hormones...

I had my Shiney for all of 36 hours before Ally is given one exactly the same ("because he looked jealous buying mine" and "as an appreciation for all the work he has done").

I was so excited to have something special and shiney and all mine that Ally did not have, that was geeky and modern and fancy - That he did not have. Now he has one.

I am *so* grateful and thankful that he was considerate enough to buy me something like that - I love it to pieces - but it's just a wee bit tainted now that he's got one himself.

I was then told I was being silly.

I'll just blame it on the hormones.

Spidey-sense is going nutso

OK all you fertile mamas out there.... someone is up-the-duff, and every ounce of my body is telling on you...

So... there are three people I have in mind... It could be someone I already know is pregnant - would not be surprising given the dreams I had of her bub... could be someone else who left me a cryptic message on MSN, or there is one other person who it could be......

nope, not me. Did the test. My little spirit has been talking to me, so I know she is there... but she's been told not to come yet.. (though has had me pacing the hallways waiting to know...)


Annnnnnyways.. if you think you migh tbe PG and not sur e- test! it could be you!!

It's so shiney!

Ok, so it is not an engagement ring...

but I am now the proud mama of an iPod Nano.

*pets*

it's so purdy.

Was woken up early to receive my pressie.. at the same time, bubbles slept in yay.

It has been a quiet day - but nice all the same.

All that hoopla!

So, Ally asked me what I want for my birthday. I said a Canon EOS or an Engagement ring.

I chose this ring years ago http://www.ejeweller.com.au/prod6674.htm and I still love the design so so so much.. but I noticed it comes in sapphire... http://www.ejeweller.com.au/prod6612.htm

I'd be happy with either... :D

My throat hurts. I hardly slept. Feeling quite shocking today actually!

I deconstructed a pair of bathers I bought at Reverse Garbage yesterday and made Tara a new swimming costume. My sewing leaves a lot to be desired *laughs* but I *love* it... I will take some photos one of these days - It's not quite finished. I need to decide if it is to stay a two piece or go to a one piece. I am leaning towards a one piece so that the bottoms do not fall off.

I need sleep.

Tara has gone with daddy for some more time. that's twice today. The two of us did not like each other.. spent the morning screaming at each other. I guess that comes from her teething and me not sleeping.

Sleep... it's foreign, isn't it?

Ugh. I think I might have managed a broken hour or two of sleep last night... I feel like SHITE.

We did Carols in the Domain the other night... it was great!

I almost got into a fight - a lady stood on Tara. She was wasted. Problem was she was in an abusive relationship and proceeded to wait for me to verbally berate her and have a go. I did for two seconds and then I was over it... but she just keep going on and on and on about how sorry she was... then she told her hubby when he cam back, and he hit her. So I hit him back. Told him off for being a jerk - she felt bad enough... He was a bastard...

Other than that though it was a lovely night!

Mmmmm... I just noticed my business name (planned for my doula stuff and other adventures) is *almost* being used as a username on a website... Is this a good or bad sign...? Only 6 people know my planned name... and this person does not know it... but... dunno... I feel awkward now.... Stace? what do you think?

Bloody Ebay Gods

*&!*#&$#@
&*#@*$#*#
&#@(*$&#
&$#*%(^*@



!!!!

*fingers crossed*

May the Ebay Gods be smiling on me this morning....

Breath Kristie.. Let it go....

OK.. so my new mantra recently has been "Inhale, let it go....." with lots of things...

Today I said this Phrase over and over... as well as pacing, and breathing and pacing... and breathing.

Once upon a time, when Tara was, er... 4 hours or 6 hours old Ally was going to pass her to me so I could meet her for the first time.. He was the one to do it. Then the wicked midwife of the west came down in one fell swoop and snatched that baby away from her daddy, grabbed my boob and slammed that baby's face into it for an introduction to breastfeeding. Biatch.

I saw this witch today. I heard her before I saw her. And when I did see her I started seething and croaking and rocking...

As I said. Biatch.

I kept my relative cool, and did not harm, maim or murder this woman.

I let her leave the shop in one piece.

"Inhale.. let it go"

Sesame Street..

Is it wrong to mis-hear Grover singing as...

"Blow Blow Blow your Goat"



I need to get out more ;)

A is for Alpha, B is for Beta.

I thought it was time to upgrade... now to add my new template... argh!

One step... Two steps...

Tara has walked.

Yup. My baby is toddlering! So, she's been taking the odd step here and there... and if you stand her up, she'll walk occasionally (managed 10 steps in a row to get to me!), but yesterday she stood up against some furniture at Ally's work, turned to him and walked to see what he was doing. She got maybe 5 or 6 steps and stood looking up at him. It was very very cute.

Gearing up for Christmas. It is coming so fas. I have so much I need to do - it is insane.

I need to get pressies for a number of people and am just a wee bit stuck. On one had, there is a lot I could buy them - on the other, I have no idea if it is a good thing to get! Argh!

I am sending out a happy birthday to someone who I have not seen for a very long time. We caught up a while ago (2 years maybe?) but he did not call me. Fair enough too - I was an, um... bitch to him for a bit - talk about being a messed up kid... I hoped he would call - I wanted to apologise to him, say how dreadfully sorry I was, and that he meant a lot to me... He made me realise a few home truths. Anyways, it is his birthday today - 12 of the 12, and I hope he is having a marvellous birthday with his wife and children. Happy Birthday Simon!

Anyways... taking tara to the park so need to get running.

The Perfect Birth.

(Warning - Circular conversational blog post ahead. Does not make a lot of sense but it was in my head today)

All over the internet, and all through literature I find one word that is beginning to make my skin crawl, and my body cringe. I am guilty of uttering it myself many times, and worse - aspiring to have it next time. What word, I hear you ask, could create such a response?

Empowered.

It seems like a harmless enough word, doesn't it? It insights chest-puffing, drum-banging, tears-of-achievement images in the mind. But is it really that great? Is it really something we want women to aim for when it comes to Birth? Are we not just creating pedistals for these goddesses to fall from with battered egos and a sense of failure when they don't achieve that quintessential "Empowered Birth"?

Women have so many goals thrust upon them by everyone else - other women included - that soon many of us cannot remember whether it was our dream or someone elses in the first place. Some strive to have the perfect job, the perfect house, the perfect husband and quite often the Perfect Birth. Many of us educate ourselves with books, literature, internet resources in the quest for that Holy Grail of Perfection. We learn from our sisters. We aspire to be like them. To better ourselves and move beyond what the other has done. A little competitive? Maybe. But it is how we have learned to move forward in this society. We have had to fight so often to be recognised, that soon the lines begin to blur and we start elbowing each other in the ribs. Even those who are professing to helping us.

So why has the word Empowered gotten under my skin? Because, to me, it is becoming the modern-day limbo stick. If you manage to get down low enough, you get a medal for your efforts and a big Pin that says "Empowered". You can shout from behind your Bugaboo that you not only had a Natural Birth, but you had an Empowered Experience. You were lifted up out of your hospital bed with joy and ran a mile the next day in celebration.

Good for you.

Now spare a thought for your sisters who don't manage to get their Empowered Birth. They read the same books, saw the same websites, talked to the same people. Your sisters were every bit as knowlegable as you when it came to Birth. They also believed they deserved, and would get an Empowering Perfect Birth.

Why wouldn't they. So many around them have the badges to prove it can be done.

They did not realise they'd get the Doctor from Hell. Or the Nurse who wanted to clock of early, or the midwife who'd had a bad day, or the anesthesiologist who was on his second ever shift. It could even be her husband, father or mother-in-law. Empowerment can most certainly belong to the woman birthing, but it can be so easily taken away or tainted by anyone coming into her space. The universe could plot against her - anything could happen. And it does! The simplest things can rattle a woman from her pedistal of Perfection. It does not take much to fall from grace.

Sure, women can have Empowered Births if having a caesarian, and good for them. But that does not mean that it is the epitome of the Birthing Experience. Yes, we should be so lucky to feel empowered by the experience of bringing a life into this world. Yes, we are happy we have a healthy baby. No one is denying the fact that we are grateful - to do so is undermining everything we have gone through already.

But why not just be ok with the Mediocre Birth? Why is it we set the measuring stick up so high? It's an extremely magical time, bringing a child earthside, but why do we have to try and make the experience Empowering? What about those women who never get to feel a sense of Empowerment through their Birthing Times? Are they any less of a Goddess because they did not beat their chest and say "I am woman, hear me roar!"?

I want the Empowered Birth, sure I do! It sounds like a magical place to be. But why do I want to be Empowered so much? Is it because so many others around me have been there singing it's praises? I don't want to take anything away from anyone who has managed to hit the magic bullseye, and I think the Perfect Birth is a great thing to aspire to, but maybe we need to be a little more realistic in our desires? With so much intervention occuring, so many sections, so much management of Birth occuring, maybe we need to be mindful of the language we reflect onto women. Sure the Empowered Birth might be something I aspire to achieving, but the next woman I talk to may not want it at all. Am I just projecting my hopes onto her? I hope not. I don't want any woman to just roll over an accept everything handed to her on the Hospital Platter, but in the same breath, wanting her to get a Perfect Empowered Birth maybe just as damaging.

I am a little tired of reading in books about women needing the Empowered Birth. It's almost as if it's something you need to get in order to be recognised for your achievements. In all honesty I don't know.

Maybe I will never get the Empowered Birth and I will forever be the woman with the postcard on the fridge...

"My friend got an Empowered Birth, and all I got was this lowsy Postcard"

Updating for those in withdrawrals

*winks*

Tara is now one! And with it comes the two-year-old tantrum. She can throw a doozy. She screams, throws herself to the ground and becomes a dead weight. What do I do? What any self-respecting-parent would do it such times.

Laugh.

I don't know how to react, but I should probably learn how.

She has a fever today. We both think she is teething at the moment. And we are out of Brauers. And I have had no sleep (little). argh.

She is a trooper at the swimming pool. She can jump in, go underwater and clamber up. My little fish!

Doula News: The course is great. I have books coming my way for christmas, a new computer coming from Ally, a study day free of Tara, and hopefully in the new year, a house.

I just need people to get pregnant and hire me - or already be pregnant and hire me. Belinda, you do not count - cross your legs until the end of Jan, and I'll come up!

I am hoping to be certified within 6 months, so that I can then start taking clients. Maybe just do prenatal/postnatal care in the beginning 'cause not sure what to do with Tara yet. meh. details!

I had a dream the other night. Told Stace about it. We'll see what happens.
I had another dream the other night. This one won't happen. Getting married and all.

Um um um... running late now, but I thought I would do a brief update.

Toodles for now!

Happy Birthday Beautiful Girl

My dearest Tara

At 3.43pm on the 29th of November, you were brought into this world in a hurry by the doctors. Things had not gone completely to plan, but none-the-less, you were now earthside and in our arms.

I still do not know where the year has gone. Some days it feels like only yesterday that I met you for the first time. Others, it feels like a lifetime ago - as if I have known you like I know my own face.

I love watching you grow and change, and at the same time I hate seeing how fast it is occuring - you are now a toddler, a little girl - no longer the tiny baby I held in my arms on that first day. You are your own person now - and only reliant on me for the milk that sustains you. You love your independance, and you show yourself defiant often. I can do it mum, echos from your body. One day it will echo from your words.

With a full head of hair, you arrived, and even now your hair is a defining part of who you are. It is long, reddish brown, and constantly in your eyes. I must remember to clip it back. I tie your hair up in all matter of ways. Two pigtails are a favourite - your dadda calls this Pixie Hair. When you have one on top of your head, everyone compares you to Pebbles from the flintstones.

Pixie, Possum, Bubba, Bubba-girl, Sweetheart, Gumnut Baby, Fairy, all of these and more are names people call you. Possum is your daddy's favourite at the moment. "Hello, Possum" he says every time he sees you.

I feel so blessed to have you choose me to be your mama. Sometimes I wonder how I got to be so lucky. You are amazing, with a smile that lights up a room. Even now, asleep on my lap, smiles keep darting across your face.

Tara, thankyou for the first year. I wish I could express just how special this day is to me. I love you baby girl. We all love you.

Mama

Nothing.

I have no present. No Card. Nothing to give Tara tomorrow.

fuckit.

Tara feeding

this is not Tara's first feed, but it is in her first 24 hours.

Tara arrives

This is the moment Tara arrived.

A little emotional...

I'm a little emotionally tender today. Tomorrow is my baby girl's Birthday.

Arrival

Kick, turn and poke
Rhythmic dances
Internal
A secret language
Mother and child
Unborn
Grace and violence
Comfort and pain
Ripples chant and flow
Come forth
Daughter
Come to my hands
From my womb
Fear embraces
Silence
Music felt in the heart
Blood and tears
Mine
Ours
A baby Girl
Our Masterpiece

One Year Ago.

Ok.. writing this a bit early because I want to go to bed...

One year ago, 10.40pm I had the intense scream in my head that said "Quick, Stand up!" As soon as I did, I knew my waters had broken.

One year ago, I sat at this computer and let people know things might start happening. I was excited. Willing it to start. My baby girl was on her way.

One year ago, I twiddled my thumbs. Chewed my nails. Paced the hallways. TV has it wrong, contractions do not always start with waters breaking.

One year ago my life changed. One year ago is when I knew everything would be different from that moment on. One year ago, my Daughter decided she was (almost) ready to be here.

One year ago...


(to be continued on Wednesday...)

Parties! Argh!

Gotta love it when people drive 6 hours to come to a Party... only to arrive on the wrong fricken day!!!

We went out for dinner with my Dad and his wife last night, and had a superb meal. Oh wow.

Had a lovely evening, was very nice. Tara got the little people barn yard set... *love* little people!! It is funny, 'cause I was looking at that yesterday for her... lol.

Might get Tara a necklace for her birthday (thanks Leah!). Ally would get her ears pierced if he had a choice... I am still not sold on it.. though she would look *so* cute and girlie!! but the pain.. not sure. then again, her reaction to the injections the other day was fine... go figure.

So... my numbers for my party (tara's party) are going up and then down. I am having a one year olds birthday... and some people have now decided not to bring their kids. Not happy jan. I understand it is a restaurant - but if I wanted ONLY adults, I would have gone somewhere a little posher than a Tex Mex place.. I hired this place because of these kids!!! argh.

So now... I need to work out who is coming...

Ally and Me and Tara
I
H and G
J and N
J and L
C and S
S (poss)


So much for increasing my table to 20... I lost 4 people just last night. Oh well. not going to stress. It's less cakeage charge I need to pay!

It's Official

I'm a Doula Student.

Rove and Belinda

I just watched channel ten's coverage of the funeral.

The footage of their bridal waltz... so so so touching

Funerals and death always yank my heartstrings and make me cry

She fought so hard, at least she can rest now.

On the path to being a Doula.

I keep thinking that I am stuck in a rutt waiting to get this doula course signed up. And then I was thinking today about everything I have accomplished in regards to getting on that path.

*I have my senior first aid certificate
*I have been reading books - Michael Odent's Birth Reborn being one of them, and Birth your Way by sheila kitzinger being another.. as well as having tracked down Birthing without violence at a second hand place - that also has midwifery texts too!
*I am participating in Doula chats, reading, reseaching and familiarising myself with the profession
*I have done the "Guide to becoming a Doula" course with CBI, and have the whole thing printed out ready to go in my folders...
*I have researched for 6 months the courses offered or available to me - though many are prohibitive due to cost, I at least know all my options
*I have spoken with care providers and educators at the local hospital and have their blessing to attend one of their classes
*have worked out care for tara (almost) for one day a week next year so I can have a study day
*spoken to some people in regards to a style of care I could offer my clients if they so wished it - and have the resources to do more - it is very exciting, though I need to train first!
*am 80% decided on a name.

So I have done a fair bit.
Now things I need to do..

*sign up for the course (this is a big one!)
*join the maternity coalition
*join Birth Choices
*read read read


so... there you have it... not so bad after all...

----------------------

*cries* The shot of Rove hugging a sobbing Peter Hellier just sent me over the edge. and then a shot of him Carrying her to the hearse. Trying to be so strong... *weeping*

Why does it bug me?

OK, so I know that parenting is a choice, and parents do what they feel is best. No one intentionally (at least I hope not!) saying "I am going to just use this method even though it may harm my child" Any parenting method is usually used after some thought before implementing it.

I know also, being an APer, that my parenting choices are often critisised and thought to be hippiesque, left-of-centre, and potentially creating "rods for my own back". However, I am not prepared to have my child "cry it out" just so that I can get a good night's sleep.

So, anyways, this morning I was reading a few blogs and a couple of them were talking about how successful sleep training had been and how their child slept through the night and needed to learn how to self settle. I just kept thinking of these babies crying and screaming for their mamma's and their mamma's not coming... I know I have abandonment issues myself, but I just keep thinking of these poor kiddies being left alone while Gina Ford, Tracey Hogg and Tizzie Hall make money off their distress.

Having said all of that - today I would be really happy if my child would just fall back to sleep in the night. I feel very sick, dizzy, sore, yuck. In fact, if my boobs hurt I'd say I had mastitis - but they are fine, empty and drained. I know what has caused part of my pain (oops)... but I really should not be feeling this bad... ugh. I cannot even see right.

But this whole sleep issue has me thinking about Tara and going into care next year. It's only going to be one day, from about 8 until 3 at the most (with a midday booby to help). How will she settle for someone else? Will she just scream herself into oblivion because she does not have me to suckle from? WOuld she fall asleep for Ally if he rocked her? I think we might have to try some stuff over summer to see if we can get her used to him putting her to sleep during the day. I have the sears sleep book here - so hopefully that will give me some help.. I just need to read it.

My mould from the US has not arrived yet.. I am getting antsy. I need it by Tuesday at the latest!!

Tara is getting closer to walking. SHe is more and more often not holding onto things - and thinking about it. She crawls everywhere - but she's not far off walking.

People should get invites today or monday.

I have to do some sewing today... finish a pressie for tomorrow. Mothers Group shared birthday party tomorrow.

ugh.

It's the thought that counts...

If people don't know what to get me for my birthday - here is a head start :D

Winning, and loosing.

Today I lost $3 on a horse race...
Today I won a Scrapbooking kit on the same race...
Today I lost the money I won when I lost the horse race ($1 for coming last!)

I had a very influential friend/aquaintance bless - and encourage - my decision to become a doula this week. My fear of treading on her toes, although misplaced and stupid because it should not matter, was holding me back a little. She was so enthusiastic for me, it has really given me a push. Now I am just waiting for someone to get back to me before making a final decision, and then hopefully starting the course ASAP.

I spoke to my dad for the first time last night regarding the abuse. I did not know how to call him or even start - so I am glad he contacted me at home. I spoke too much to him about what happened. He did not need to know some of the stuff I spilled. I didn't want him to know, he did not need to know.. but he does. It's not bad, just, would have been more comfortable with him not knowing. oh well. He kept fishing a little to have me give him permission to pummel the guy's head in. I was strong enough to ignore his plight.

Last night a mother and a father held their departed daughter in their arms for one last night.

I'll be holding mine a little tighter tonight.

Life is a bumpy ride some times

Thanks 60mins...

Well since the show aired on the weekend I have to admit to feeling more uncomfortable about being a parent than since she first arrived.

Today I had bubbles in my mesh ring sling - a beautiful sling that is bright and comfy and I adore it. And I was feeding Bubbles - 11 months - and had a group of people watching, commenting to themselves, laughing, whispering. I've never felt uncomfortable with Tara in a sling - but today - I did. I have no idea what they were talking about, but I felt dirty almost. As if, thanks to 60mins, I was being judged as abusive and negligent of my child.

I have no idea what they were talking about. But it felt wrong for me to do what is so natural...

*sigh*

Ebay... *drool*

Argh. I should NOT look at ebay because I always see things that I want.

I *sooooo* want this dress. and it is so cheap! Just think how cute Tara would look in this for her birthday, or even better christmas morning with the red... add a pair of wings... *yes, I am obsessive*

Then of course there is this pendant here. As much as I don't really like Amber - polished amber with a dragonfly in it is awesome. I would love to give that to tara for her first birthday - have it mounted in silver, and keep it in a special place while she grows.

argh!

Must not look at ebay.

In other news - we are having a party for Tara's birthday. At a cheesy Mexican restaurant. Hehe. I have *booked* it already and *booked* the highchairs LOL. Now that I am in party mode I need to work on some things. I was thinking of cupcakes for cakeage... but I want sugared Dragonflies to top them. Can't find them anywhere. I can find basic sugar tops in the supermarket, but other kiddies had them at their party on the weekend.... don't want to be a copy cat - I want to be original. So was thinking about having cupcake mushrooms with red tops and white spots... or maybe just a big normal cake with a dragonfly on the top (I have a dragonfly I could use - got it at the Melbourne show)...

argh..decisions decisions... so much to think about.

Then there is the guest list. Argh. I am going to make sure I invite anyone and everyone - cause then no one can be pissed off if they never got the invite! ;) don't care who comes LOL as they'll be paying for their own meals (yeah, I am a stingy bitch! but last time I spent money on a party - my blessingway - no one turned up really - a few key people did - but not many!)... so we might buy a few extra jugs of sangria... ;) and we will provide cake (though Iain sounds keen to bake!)... too much to think about.. too much too much! anyone want to impart wisdom?

Tagged!

Here are are the rules to play:
List 5 weird things about yourself or your pets.
Tag 5 friends and list them.
Those people then need to write on their blogs about 5 weird things, and state the rules, and tag 5 more people.
Don’t forget to let the people you tagged know by posting a comment on their blog!

1. You know how boys like to pee up walls? I like to squirt milk in the shower. OK, maybe TMI.

2. I used to be a competitive public speaker - I even won a trophy and regional finals!

3. I love holding dinner parties but always tend to screw up something. Currently have no where to hold a dinner party though.

4. I am the soul remaining founding member of the Australian Rodent Fanciers Society of NSW Inc. Ally is the second member after me left. He is the President of the Club.

5. I want to be a doula and birth educator but have never been to a real vaginal birth.


Tagged - Iain, Belinda (bear), Grumpy, Siobhan

Overrating is a matter of opinion...

Ok... I NEED SOME FEEDBACK. please answer this question:

How important is the first birthday party?

I have already been in tears today regarding the fact I have been told some people won't come to a party because "they can't remember it" and "it's not like the first is important"

Am I the only person who believes that it is important to have a first birthday party...? or is it just important for me?



The last 24 hours has been a mixture of great things - but predominately a mixture of crap. Life has dropped into a whirlwind of blackness through some parts of our life. The black dog has rejected me for now, and gone for Ally. It's amazing how 24 hours can bring a person down. Sometimes life sucks.

However after today, maybe moving to Melbourne might be easier.

Make me over, baby!

So, am planning on the new look of this blog - have a new banner designed - just gotta work out what to do with the rest.

Does Blogger Beta have new base templates?

I have overdosed on sugar - all I had was a can of creaming soda (bright red stuff!) and I feel drunk.

Update on the Faery. She has ANOTHER tooth! And that makes 7. I think the next one might be coming too. Dunno. She's being a bit cheeky though - she's been gnawing on the nipples a bit - the left is bruised from her late night feeds... very tender! She's crawling like a demon now too. If she wants to do somewhere in a hurry or is excited, she puts her head down, her hands point inwards and she skuttles across the floor! If anyone remembers the cartoon "My Pet Monster" that is what she looks like - especially when it is accompanied by her Roaring.

Put her to bed the other night in a dispy 'cause we'd just come home and I was lazy. All of a sudden things were starting to feel wet. I undid the sleeping bag to find a naked child. And a nappy right down the bottom. It had come undone LOL. Ally was laughing at me insinuating I had not put a nappy on her at all. haha.

Tara is cruising. She stands up on anything she can. It is very cute. She's so tiny. Everyone looks at her and thinks she is so big, and has to be older than she is - but she'd be lucky to be 8kgs. Well, she'd be close to 8, or just on. Good thing really since Ally decided she needed to be turned around in the car seat (ours is 8kg). Helped a little with the long distance travelling.

She absolutely loved being down at the farm. It was fantastic. She rolled around in the clover in a paddock, got mauled with love by a kelpie pup, talked to the cows eating Nanna's trees (!), rolling off the veranda into the rose bushes on Nanna's watch, staring at the bonfires and of course being smothered with love from everyone.

I miss it. I know she does just from her behaviour. *sigh*

Mental Note: Breastpads are always helpful. Doh!

Ohhh! I see another tooth. Number 8 is going to be coming through soon. Can tell by the patch of drool on her front.

I am so absolutely amazed at the personality coming out of my little faery at the moment. She is such a whirlwind. Cheeky beyond all belief. Stubborn to a fauly. Happy go lucky, loves her food. Talks excessively when tired (like me!). Loves music, gets really grumpy when tired (like her dad!). I just love her.

I had my hair done today. Not that happy with it. I wanted drastic layering through my hair. Instead it is very subtle. Not 80's hair at all. I dyed it as well. "Rasin" It's a dark purple brown. It's just a semi. I have decided I need to start putting some effort into myself. My self esteem is shot, so I need to start trying to make myself to feel good.

Anyone reading - Can a naturpath help with general wellbeing etc? What about a hollistic practitioner? I am thinking I would like to try boosting myself through one of these methods.

using "Holiday" Skin at the moment. well, have used it once and am about to put it on again. Anyone else used it? What about the Dove one? which is better?

Ok. enough rambling for now - need to decide on more blog graffics lol.

Friday Night Party Shennannigans

Friday Night I cooked dinner for family and my best friend (and her bf).

I made a chicken pasta/lasagne type thingo served with garlic bread. Apple Crumble and Lemon Tart were desert.

Alcohol freely flowed.

The talk was loud, the mood jovial, though tinted with a whiff of desperate longing, and sprinkling of dread - Saturday we we leaving.

The night revolved around very, VERY loud conversation reminiscing about bygone days. Of Drunken nights pashing boys, of getting sloshed, of best friends.

here are a few snippets of conversation...

"...oh and E went up to the trees to pee and sat on a stinging nettle!"

"...there was no point trying to hide the hickies from you mum - I had six!"

"...and they set the hay bales on fire... and Bill just had to look at them before they took off... and mum got them with the hose!"

"... you really should have let her head go R. ... slamming it on the concrete is not the way to show sisterly love"

"... my god he was a good kisser! But he got around. We all had a piece of him!"

"...I said to him congratulations on the wedding - next you'll be popping kids... he said 'Don't fucking talk to me about no kids'. E then ran up to me telling me K (the wife) was pregnant and overjoyed!"

"... you drank the bottle of home made sambuca while I was on the phone... (It was nice!)... it was a 2 lt bottle!"

"... we only had friends because you took pity on us"

"... at least I used to put money IN the till when I stole cigs. Everyone else just took the damn things"

"... she dropped the bottle of Black Douglas on the floor and they proceeded to start licking the slate. Next we hear 'I need a straw!'... so much for mothers being role models on responsible drinking!"

"... mum's kinda known for dancing on the tables at functions when she has drunk too much"

"... so... you dated him, then he dated C, then he dated E, then S, then you again. You were together for ages, then C and he got together - Then you stole him back - then she went and got A because you had left him. Hell - you and C shared a lot of boyfriends!"

"... was that the time we came back to the tents to find guys in them? We used them for a night then shifted the tents the next day"

"... he can't help that his mother is a professional"

"...when you can grow a fuller beard at the age of 14 than your teachers - you get special treatment!"


I could go on and on and on... but that paints a bit of a picture about my life and my sister and friend back home...

It was fun reminiscing about those days. More than anything it shows time and time again that my friendship with R back home is just as it was when I left. It's made me long for being back home. Wanting to be with them. To have THAT sort of friendship that is endless and boundless... I love her like family.

For those of you who are loyal blog readers, and know about my wedding predicament (ie: the lack there of and hell freezing over), She will be my Maid of Honour. As I said. Hell and all that.

I miss them all already.

F is for Failure

I feel like a fraud and a failure. I feel as though I am just a waste of space. Granted, I feel great some days - most of the day actually - but then I let my brain get the better of me.

Iain, you could say the black dog is nipping.

Why can't I be told I am loved?
Why can't I feel I deserve my daughter?
Why can't I see that I'll not be abandoned?
Why can't I be stronger in myself?

I don't feel depressed. I feel scared. I think there is a big big big difference. I know what depression is like, I have battled it all my life. I know I am close - am not there yet though. Being treated like a child the other day, and feeling scalded for my bad behaviour sent me teetering on the edge of the abys. I know I deserved being reprimanded. I went too far. I don't deserve to be a mother after the way I acted.

I am always feeling as though I am going to be left alone. That everyone is looking for an excuse to leave me. Maybe I am giving them reason to leave? Or to force them away?

5 years is too far away for me to look forward to. There is a lot of time to pass between now and then. Tara would be in school then. I want to be SETTLED before then. I would prefer to be back in Melbourne for the time she starts school. Find a suburb, research, find schools, housing areas. Live and dream a little. Ally says in a few years. I said how much is a few? He said a few is 5 years. I don't think that is easy to look forward to.

Supposed to move between now and christmas. Doubt it will happen. Can't even find a place I remotely like. Was wanting to move closer to a school to send Tara to, but if I want to move to melbourne, what's the point of relocating close to a school if tara will not go there?

I feel as though he does not love me. He says it occasionally - but only when things are dire. If I am upset, or being wheeled into surgery or y'know - when things are big. I wish he could say it more, but that is not him. Sometimes we are so different I wonder how we got to where we are. I love him with all of my heart, but feel as though saying it to him makes him feel uncomfortable. Like he is pressured to tell me he loves me too. I wish I could communicate better. I seem to only be able to do that when I am crying hysterically. And even then I tend to shut down.

My immediate reaction to all that is happening right now is to run away. I feel as though I am failing being a mother, failing being a partner, failing being a daughter, failing being a friend. Sometimes I just want to get dressed and walk out the door and just go and hide. Part of me thinks Tara would be better off on Canned BoobJuice than with me because I am such a failure. Anyone who knows me knows how much I hate the Canned Shite. So to think this makes me heart break.

I feel as though I have nothing in front of me. I want to become a Childbirth Educator and Doula. But is that just stupid? Do I really think I could support women in labour and pregnancy? Stacey talked about the fluctuating hobbies in ther blog earlier. Maybe I am just destined to float from one fancy to another without actually doing anything. maybe that is my parenting style too...

I feel totally fucked up. How does one even go about seeking out a counsellor who is ok with your parenting style and choices? How do you open up with all the shit that is going through your head without feeling like an utter fruitcake? Hang on - I AM the fruitcake. There is so much going on in my head, I cannot turn the thoughts off. I cannot stop thinking, processing, stopping and starting my internal conversations. There is so much to say to someone I just don't know where to start. It would be one very massive brain dump.

Hi. My name is Kristie.
I have a 5.5 year relationship with a guy who refuses to marry me.
Even looking at rings at a jewellery store makes him hyperventillate. Sometimes I comment on them just to see his reaction.
We have a kid - Tara, 10 months - because I found out I was pregnant. Oops. I love her to pieces. Would never trade her for the world. Sometimes I think he feels as though he has to be with me just because of her. He tells me it is not true. I know he loves her. Does he love me too though?
I had one hellish birth. I had performance anxiety and so she was ripped from me.
I could not even get the surgery part right so contracted an infection and got back into Hotel Postnatal Ward.
I was abused as a child. Not once, not twice - I got the Trifecta! Do I get extra brownie points?
My dad left us when I was seven. He screwed some woman in the back of a car. My mum was pregnant with my brother.
We moved to Melbourne for him. He moved to melbourne to be with her. We moved to be closer to family. he moved to the middle of whoop-whoop.
Apparently we do not love him enough though because we don't make enough effort to see him. Or call him. Or whatever. Maybe I should give him a phone card for christmas.
My step-dad died. I can't get over it. Everyone else was in victoria able to help mum through it. I had to wait a week before I could come help. She was in hospital and I was designing logos.
I ran away from my life when I was 19. I moved to sydney to get away.
Now all I want to do is go back, but I can't 'cause I am stuck. We can't move if we have no money at the destination. I at least have some friends in Sydney. Ally has no friends in Melbourne.

yup. it will be one hell of a first meeting.


Hi. My name is Kristie, and I am a fruitcake.

Spring Holidays

So, I am on holidays at the moment. We are at mum's place in vic and it is just so wonderful.

We went to Melbourne on Tuesday and stayed in a Motel/Suite on Swanson street for two nights. We visited the show on the Wednesday and had a great time. Caught up with the Aussie Rat mob, as well as Studio Sebastian - that was great.

Mum fell in love with the Tonkinese kitties - having lost willow earlier this year. Tonkas are what siamese *used* to look like before they made them into the disney look-alikes from Lady and the Tramp.

I decided to be antisocial and not catch up with anyone this time - we had a serious lack of time and I did not want to feel pulled or dragged around trying to catch up with everyone. We will be back in January and hope to catch the AB group as well as Lisa and Andrew ;) Heads up all...

We visited the museum, and got in some shopping. I got a new pair of jeans that are just wonderful and lovely. As well as a new top thanks to mum.

Tara has had a ball. Like Laurent - she had her photo taken with a lamb at the show - will upload pics at some stage. She also pulled the ears on the calf in the petting zoo haha.

Got half way to melbourne on the train to realise the ergo and my slings were left in the car - so first stop in melbourne was Lincraft to buy some fabric. 2.5m with a knot tied makes a great sling LOL. And now I have some funky fabric haha.

We saw the AFL grandfinal parade. On friday there appeared to only be W.C supporters in the crowd. The Sydney groups must have all just overnighted it because the MCG looked half and half on TV. What a great game! shame about the score!

Yesterday we went to the Colraine Races. Got dressed up a little and had a few to drink LOL. Tara has taken to not feeding much during the day so I knew I was fairly safe (and hoped any alcohol would knock her out haha!) They gave us free champers and stuff while there, and had a small flutter on the horsies on one race - and won all my money back plus a dollar. Yay Me!

Tara has been having a ball of a time. She is climbing up on everything an is really enjoying herself. She is charming everyone she meets which is really sweet too. She now has six teeth through LOL. I hope we have a bit of a break because the last two sucked. She's loving her food and just amazing me (and everyone else) every day.

Dealing with family has been ok. The troubles before coming down have yet to be mentioned and I am just biding time I think. I dunno. I'm not too worried though.

Brother and Sister have both been a bit snappy with everyone. Brother because he is a 20 year old with testosterone and attitude and realistically need someone to drop him. Not that I condone violence of any sort, really.... but he really needs to be put in his place. He's had a right shitty time with life, I know, but that is no way to treat everyone around you.

Sister has been snappy too - but she's, one... a little fragile... two... decided to give up the smokes.... argh. sleep deprivation, toothache and giving up smoking?!

After our trip to Melbourne I would *so* love to move there. Be hard convincing Ally. He says maybe in a couple years... well, I don't really want to have to uproot Tara much in her life.. I'd prefer to find a place and settle down. I'd really like to be settled by the time she is 4 and really, not sure if Ally will be ready to move then. Who knows. I know I am finding a place in Sydney at the moment, though I know we are looking at moving from where we are anyways... I just - it feels so much warmer and welcoming down here. We'd be closer to family - could visit my auntie, my mum, friends... easily....

Argh. I should not think about it though because I'll just get my hopes up and then get all upset about it.

Hoping to see my best friend this week. I have a feeling seeing her is going to make me want to be down here even more.

arghie arghie arghie.

Anyways... should go do something before girl wakes and I become a mum for the day LOL

Meeting at the gate

May you be greeted at the pearly gates with the whiskers of a thousand rodents.

It's not hit me yet. I will cry my tears later when I have time to stop and think.

Until then, I will be sending my love and calling the spirits of all your loves who passed before you.

Farewell Kerry.

Snap-happy

Playground fun and goodness....

Renovation

I want to renovate this blog at some stage. I want it to be girlie and pretty and stuff.

but I don't know where to begin LOL.

*off to trawl blogs for inspiration*

Photopalooza

So, I thought I should upload a few... (this lot are from Earthdance) more coming soon

Photos coming out the wahzoo...

I have sooo many photos and no idea how to scrap them, or tint them, or do anything with them as my computer is complaining of low disk space. Need to move all the photos on to the server.

Bubbles is waking up - talking - then going back to sleep. Next tooth is coming through so she is sick - again. Damn this whole sickness-with-tooth-emergence thing. Her nose is running like a goddamn train! She is as adorable as ever.

She's doing a bit of cruising at the moment. Crawling is not fun enough for her... no no no.. she must STAND. then she lets go and goes "Oh shit! I am not holding on!" and dives for the nearest thing to hold... hahaha!

I have not heard back from some people regarding doula stuff. Maybe I should just do it via correspondence. I need to make some more money. Maybe I should pimp myself on the corner! *evil cackle*

I am sooooo passionate about birth, and choices, and not sitting idle and letting them all take control. Man I get soooooo flustered when I hear people talking about accepting a section because it fits in with their schedule... or worse - because the baby is too big *swears profusely*. Yeah Yeah.. I know. My birth was not the epitomy of all their is to birth - but, man - It's like I have "seen the light". I knew about all this stuff beforehand - but I was a backseat passenger in my pregnacy and birth of Tara. I needed to be the Driver!

I wish homebirth was not so vilafied in modern life. Or so expensive (out of pocketwise). I know you cannot compare price with a great experience and all that jazz...

OK. Rambling.

Must go. Need to wash some nappies... need to clean the study... need to research werribee open plains zoo... need to get ready for holidays...

argh

"relax, it's freedom" (do I need a TM here?)

Apparently my dad being told is supposed to liberate me and give me some sort of freedom.

Not to me, but hey. To me, it's chained me again. My dad will never see me again the same way as before. My "secret" is no longer secret. My aunt told my cousin we were "aledgedly" abused by her dad. My mum seems to have turned into som sexual abuse psychologist from the pamphlets they gave her and I am sitting in sydney while it all just happens to me.

Once again, I have no control. I said this to mum. She said she understood but truly believed this needed to happen to move forward. Whatever. I do not know what to think. I am once again numb. I go home next week into the eye of the cyclone.

meh
meh
double meh.

Just think Bega...

"Everything changed that day..."

Today was that day.

Dad was told about the abuse.

Apparently he got up, stormed off, then came back and talked more.

*mmm*

I feel anxious and blank.

I had no say over the matter, and it's been done. 15 years of me building the walls to keep everyone from knowing, and me being protected. To the last bricks being ripped down by someone else.

Big whoopie-do.

ugh.

Beta Better?

So... is beta really worth switching to yet...? or should I wait?

Oops...

Oh... wanting to share some photos...

Stuff.

There is so much stuff going on at the moment, and so much I just don't even know where to start.

argh.

Tara is sick - again! What is it with this babe of mine? I mean, really! Aren't boobyjuiced babies supposed to be healthier, stronger fighters against illness and all-round better at dealing with being sick? Not my bub. No-sir-ee.

Lots of emotional stuff going on... not quite wanting to put it out here though.

Tara can stand - for up to 10 seconds or more... and even clap her hands while doing so. It's only if she's been propped though. LOL.

I have logos coming out of my ears. Thankgoodness these people are paying though... I need the $$. Looking forward to sharing some of these.

Need to update the blog at some stage too.. meh.

All-round bleh-ness hitting me.

Going away soon though... if we don't find a house first.

La La La La.

Dreaming

I was having weird and wacky dreams last night.

In one dream I managed to dream about someone snapping their bones in half and walking off on them... and then the dream switches to me explaining to someone that cephalopelvic disporportion was in their OB's head and that, yes, really, they could have a homebirth if they *really* wanted.



I wonder who I was talking to lol

Sickness...

So... I have been sick for at least about 28 days (according to me guessing when I got sick in regards to taking the pill).

The cough is now really really getting to me. Was tested for Whooping Cough last week, but have not heard back. Having had WC before, this cough is not as wet, nor as suffocating, but as I have been to two areas with Whooping Cough the last few weeks, who knows.

Doc does not think it is (hence - not Antibiotics)... and when asked if I should contain myself to the house he laughed, and said he *really* did not think it was... and I was fine.

Having said that, I really feel like I am half dead. Sigh.


Should not complain... someone I know has a brain tumour (x2)

Score!

Today I had some pocket money - so I went to the bookstore.

I came out with the following...

Parenting for a Peaceful World
Bach Flower Remedies for Women
Birth Reborn: What Childbirth Should be

For the grand total of $14.

PfaPW was all of $3... it was on sale for half the marked price... considering it retails for $30 or so... I think I did good.


If people want to buy me stuff... Spiritual Midwifery is on my most wanted list.. haha And the Birth Partner (Stace - gotta send yours back to you LOL as well as all your other books)



Tara cuteness:

She is crawling (properly now - not just inch-worming) but at the moment she has propped herself up on a box and is scooting around the floor on it.... ubercutiness.

Milkin' the old cow...

Whoot! *rejoice*

Tara knows the sign for milk!!

Loonies in the Boonies

Today I got on the bus and was having a great morning. The bus driver was talking to Tara and mentioned he and his wife were expecting early next month. I sat behind the driver 'cause he was friendly and kept talking.

Two stops later we pick up this woman who was loud and obnoxious to some people but I did not think anything of it.

The driver and I continue to talk. He was really interested in the sling I had tara in and asked where to get them. I told him I sold them, and got out my card. I gave it to him when we had stopped.

Then a woman behind us with a thick eastern-european accent starts telling me carrying a baby in summer gives them rashes and is bad for them. So I told her all the benefits and told her that a baby in a stroller can be so isolating and hard to read their signals. She kept having a go at me at this stage and felt offended that I would not use a stroller - her children were perfectly fine without being carried.

Then she has a think about it for a bit after I start talkiing to driver again and asks about bad backs. I say there are ones out there designed for bad backs. She asked for my card - so I gave it to her. She seemed a little converted even - became smiling and nice.

Bus Driver keeps talking to me and said he watched women all day every day struggling with their strollers and he really did not think they were great.

Obnoxious woman who got on the bus earlier is heard behind me having a go about talking to the driver and that I should leave him alone and not try to force myself and my products on him and just leave him to his job (talking to other passengers). I am getting flustered listening to her ranting... I try to not engage the driver in any more talk but being a new-dad-to-be is sooo excited he keeps going. I become a little curt with one or two word replies because the lady behind is muttering.

Get off the bus and driver wants to look at the sling quickly so I turn around to show him (as I get off the steps) he said thankyou so very much and beamed at me. I was feeling great.

As I start to walk the street this lady is looking at me, almost smiling and then starts into me.

"You should know better than to talk to the driver"
"He has other people to consider"
"Every time I see you you are selling stuff or talking" (WTF???!)
"You should think of other people on the bus"

I said to her, look, he started talking to me, I was being curtious, he asked me for my card. She was getting in my face and I told her to just "get over it lady" because I was starting to feel threatened. I walked past her faster and she was ranting behind me and was not leaving me alone. I had to move out of some people's way and she caught up to me still going on. I told her to back off... she keep going.

My voice dropped three octaves and I screamed "Just back off lady! leave me alone!" I was shaking, scared for me, scared for Tara. I thought she was going to assault me. She then saw a friend across the road, and waved, while threatening to call the cops on me (WTF?!) I went into the nearest cafe and needed to sit down, I was crying and almost hyperventilating. I was shaking so much. She was at the crossing for so long, outside the shop... I was so scared...

I got a coffee and just started crying with the shop assistant. then I left the cafe to go to the park to meet friends.

I've since been looking over my shoulder, scared to get on the bus, waiting for this woman to pounce on me again. She lives 1.5 blocks from my house...

ugh.

*sigh*

Two years, in a blink of an eye.

Today is a very special day, a little girl, with wild hair and a cheeky smile, turns two.

Two years ago I sat in an office on the computer MSNing away, when I get a message... "hehe. I think somethings starting". I was so excited for you. I had followed your pregnancy through right from the beginning. Finally bub was on the way.

For a couple of hours we chatted back and forth. The initial chat was fast and furious, but as the contractions built up you were needing time to focus and go through them.

"I think we are going to the hospital now". Wow. Things had really kicked up. For the rest of the day I sat twiddling my thumbs, thinking of you, sending my love, longing to hear the news.

Once I got hom that night, and had not had a phone call, I was a little scared for you. I sent all my love, hoping things were going ok.

I did not get a phone call for about 24 hours after Kira's arrival. By that stage, I was pretty certain you'd had a c-section. Jake sounded so exhausted on the phone when he confirmed the surgery. My heart sank knowing things had not gone to plan. I just wanted to hug you, tell you how great you'd been.

I got to talk to you online once you got home briefly, but being a new mother, time was never on your side.

Days morphed into weeks, into months. We'd go so long without talking, but could just pick up where we left off. Then I found out I was pregnant. You were such a guiding light to me. Such a role model. You gave me information, love and support while I researched everything I could.

Just after Kira's first birthday I came to visit. She was amazing. So calm, so beautiful and easy going. She was so happy! Watching her get her to her feet and stand was so cute and funny. I loved seeing the little person she was growing into. I loved seeing how the choices you had made had helped this beautiful girl turn out to who she was. These were often the same ideals I was hoping to live up to with my little one.

In November I had my own little girl and one of the first people I wanted to tell - or at least have the message passed onto - was you. I kept pestering Ally - Call Stacey! Call Stacey! When I got a phone call from you in hospital I felt so honoured you would take the time to call.

So hear we are now on Kira's second birthday. I just do not know where the time has gone.I see you posting photos, antics and day to day activities of her and think what a wonderful job you have done. It has not been easy for you, I know. I wish I'd been able to talk to you more, but being mothers - does not make it easy at times.

Today is not just about your beautiful girl - it is about you as well. About all the amazing milestones you have accomplished - how far you have come on your journey. The way in which you have stood strong and looked forward when so ofen many others would have thrown the towel in and given up. Your dedication, your perserverance, your love and your friendship - all of these have shined and radiated since you became a mother.

Most of all, I just wanted to say - Happy Birthing Day Stacey. You are amazing. Take some time for yourself. Cry, reflect and rejoice. You are a wonderful mother, and Kira is a testament to all you have accomplished and done.

xx

Credits: Faer Oak Brand New Day kit for paper, fibre, flowers, sequin. Metal Tag is Brand New Day kit Chris Turnbull, ric rac is Annette Farrelly - all from Pickleberry Pop!

Pffffffffft!

Belinda - I already peedonastick. It's not me. So it means it is someone else. Gotta think of all my fertility rich friends now...

I am guessing the person has to be about 6 weeks along for my spidey-sense to be so strong. That, or it is my sister - which it is not due to the lengths she is going to, to NOT be pregnant.

Little Miss Works-in-a-cheese-factory... would it be you?


Anyone got any tips for a constipated bub? Poor thing was screaming before trying to do a poo...

I need a nap

My "spidey-sense" is tingling.

Ok ladies. All of you who are hoping/thinking/wanting/trying to be pregnant - do a test. Someone I *know* online or in real life is pregnant. The only time I have been wrong in knowing a friend was pregnant was when I confused my spidey sense with it being me up-the-duff.

So go on...

Pee on a stick.

Wondered why there were no replies

wondered why no one commented on my post called "planning" the other day....

turns out I only saved a draft - not publised it... oops

The kit! The kit! I see the kit!

Ooooh... someone has been a busy little beaver!



Click to download!

It's a bit of a mini kit I think, but I have had fun learning how to do stuff. Let me know what you think!

Dream a little dream.

You know how you can have some dreams that just hit your emotions and you feel every part of it as if it was as real as anything? I had one last night.

I don't remember all the details... we were at preschool/primary school for some reason - not sure what. The kiddies had gone to lunch I think, and Ally and I were in the classroom preparing food. He gave me a present. I opened the beautiful card first, and in it is a calendar of the rest of this year, and 2007. My birthday in 2007 was circled and had hearts around it. I looked at him and said "what's this?" He looks at me and says "That is the day we will be getting married". I catch my breath, I feel the tears welling. My heart feels as though it is going to explode. The next thing I am opening the present. It is a beautiful diamond ring. He puts in on my finger.

Next we are on the playground acting like love sick teenagers running around. It was beautiful. Then I start thinking I have imagined it all. I run back into the class room and I am looking for the baby food that was being prepared while we were in there prior. Someone is using the microwave. I have to stop them, because the jars of pumpkin have recorded the fact that Ally proposed to me. SOmeone mixes two jars together, and the recording is lost. And now I am not sure if he asked me to marry him any more.

And then I wake up/or that is all I can remember.

I can still the emotions of when he said "that is the day we are getting married"

damn bloody hormones/dreams/illogical thoughts ;)

Oooh.. Tag, you're it!!

Oh look! I have been tagged!!

Ok, here goes...

1. One book that changed your life: To Kill a Mockingbird. It was one of the first books I truly read into, studied, understood and appreciated. Harper Lee IMO was just brilliant.

2. One book that you've read more than once: By the River Piedra I sat down and wept (Paulo Cohelo). This book resonates with me on so many levels. Not just about the christianity, because I think it goes way beyond that. It is about rebirth, the love of a mother, the depth to which femininity reigns in our wold. And it is a love story like no other I have read.

3. One book you'd want on a desert island: The idiots guide to being stranded on a desert island.

4. One book that made you laugh: Daddy's having a horse.

5. One book that made you cry: oh... lots... um. off the top of my head though...? LOL.. brain malfunction!

6. One book that you wish had been written: The kiddie story in my head.

7. One book you wish had never been written: Babywise is a good start.. Maybe Tizzie Hall's stuff...?

8. One book you're currently reading: Only one? I have started about a dozen! NCSS, reading magic, children are people too.. etc.

9. One book you've been meaning to read: The Red Tent and the Continuum Concept

Targets in site - only doing three: Belinda (BHB), Iain (ok, you don't HAVE to :P), Siobhan

Planning.

At the moment I am on a quest to prepare myself for my journey ahead. I want to be able to write out a line of things to do - and prepare for them slowly.

I am already preparing for a few things. Trying to decide if that is the path I want to take. Research can be a good thing.

One of the things I have talked with Ally about is our next child. We will not be trying for a second until Tara is at least two. Well, the plan is for her to at least be two when the next arrives. though it is not as if we planned for -her- arrival! Anyways, I have been trying to work out where I would like to birth next time.

Considering what happened with Tara's birth, it is not surprising that hospital would be a likely choice. Though, how much of our experience was due to being in the hospital? Lots of stuff happened. Not limited to PROM, Posterior, infection, PPH. It all lead to an emergency cesearian.

So am I nuts for considering a homebirth? The more I read about it, the more I would love it. But would I be high risk? I would seriously consider the Ryde Midwifery Birth Centre, but to them (from what I have read) I am high risk and would not be taken (I do not believe they do VBACs).

I know that each birth is different, but is the likelihood of me developing anaemia a consideration? My levels dropped down very low (and likely related directly to the PPH). I guess if I knew about it earlier, I would have been able to boost my levels (found out at 38 weeks).

When I mentioned this to Ally in the car the other day, he was "sure, why not." very matter-of-factly. He would be fine with whatever is chosen. I just am not sure. Part of me is very terrified of a baby's heart tones dropping down to dangerous levels again. Then again - hospital is never far away if needed. I dunno. It is a lot to think about.

Lucky I have time.

Tara's Story

Well, it's taken a while, but it is done. I cannot believe it is finished. I thought I would never get through it.

There are bound to be spelling mistakes, mistakes in time, mistakes in a few details.. but it is there and done.

If anyone would like to read it...

http://kristie.su.com.au/tara/birth/

It is *very* long (14 pages in word...) so maybe a cuppa is in order before you start?

Please feel free to leave comments here, or to email them to me... I would really value some other people's imput.

Asking the newborn *cough*

Last night at friends' I was perched in front of their box watching and flicking the TV. I came to SBS and thought, oh, I'll watch this! It was called Odyssey of New Life or some such. Computer rendered video showed the baby in the tummy *gush* in the 2nd trimester. It was sweet.

And then they started goin on about how the senses are developed and what the baby can and cannot do. One American doctor was talking about how babies could recognise their mother, and choose what they wanted to hear.

He made a device with a nipple on it and played sounds to the baby - including the babe's mum. Through basic positive reinforcement the baby could "choose" to listen to its mother by sucking the fake nipple faster.

I was horrified that people would be confusing NEWBORN babies sucking reflexes by using a fake nipple to find out if it wanted to be with its mother, or if it recognised it's mother's voice.

ARGH!

In other news. Tara's birth saga is written. Doing final adjustments - 14 pages long. oops. Will have to publish it on its own page I think...

The wave of a sigh.

Not feeling great at the moment. Hormones are hitting me and I am not sure I like it. I have started on the mini pill too, so am wondering whether or not it is affecting me negatively too (when I remember to take it - dagnabbit!)I realise that not taking it 100% of the time negates the whole pill thing... but hey, I'm trying. I have remembered 4 in a row so far!!

Anyways. I feel a little shadowed. Black shadowy around the outsides. Just add a photoshop blur to my life. It does not help that Tara is sleeping roughly at the moment. Poor thing is having such trouble with her teeth, and the brauers is only helping a little bit. We have two through, and two on their way. Hopefully they will break through and then I can get sleep again. It's just not helping my moods. I tried to explain to my yoga teacher yesterday that I was feeling a little battered emotionally. I told her my period had returned and that I had acknoweleged that. She reminded me I need to grieve it a bit too, and then try and move on. I just want to cry.

I feel a little worthless at the moment. Feel as though Ally is looking down on me because I don't do enough. Don't do enough washing/don't do enough cleaning/don't do enough money making/dont' do enough yada yada yada.

There is nothing like the feeling of knowing the person you love is disappointed in you. I am too scared to ask for things because I spent too much money. oh well. I don't need to go out of the house. I feel bitter. About lots of things.

I feel bitter about being stuck in sydney. I feel bitter about not knowing my place in sydney. Do I want to stay in Newtown (where I am finding some friends and great ones at that)... while having a mothers group that I am feeling more and more detached from? Do I want to move and start over again, with no guarentees I'll find anything over there?

I am utterly pissed off with the ABA. How many times does one have to request a newsletter and calendar? I am frikken subscribed! I *want* to attend meetings! Just because *they* decided I was not in their *zone* and needed to be moved to a different area group... I wanted to go to *their* meetings because it is *way* closer.

I need to renew my membership. And I need to pay for the seminar. Maybe I can pay for the subscription on the night, get my bookie, and the calendar for the meetings.

I was thinking I should find out what it takes to be a Breastfeeding Counsellor. Though it would be too late to help anyone in my mothers group. Might be a good thing though - especially if my plans for my "thingo" go ahead in the next 5 years.

Ponder Ponder (Triple M - Ponder This!) haha... mmm. in joke .

Memories...Cue Babs!

So, reflecting over Tara's birth has me remembering exactly what went on. I have found myself detached from a lot of feelings about the birth, because that was the easiest way to deal with them. Now even though I want to, I can't *feel* a lot of the emotions I want.

I remember thinking in the O.R. that when I see her and hear her I will cry with joy because my girl is now safe. I just cried because I was vomiting so much, and that I could not kiss her properly.

I remember the anger of having a chuppa chup ripped out of my mouth - yet, I don't remember them telling me I got to 7cm.

I remember the absolute fear I had when I saw her heart rate. That's the biggest emotion I remember. Oh, and the absolute wonder that she was inside of me one moment, then out the next.

I've been watching the video of her extraction. Screaming at Ally to "look at the clock!" What us mothers think about.

I have been thinking about NEXT time. I need to start preparing now, emotionally, if I want to do it again.

So, addicted to reading birth stories, I have been reading Navelgazing Midwife's "20 years of Birth Stories". I have read from August 2004 - May 2006. I can't see if there is more. I have lots of questions about my birth of Tara - but I know one thing is really for certain - Tara was in great distress.

Oh. The Little Wench (I say this quite lovingly!!) has a new sound.

Dadadadadadadada.

As I said. Little Wench.

Starting the story...

Today I was using Ally's computer and began to do some work on Tara's Birth Story. I started it in hospital and have not touched it basically since then as I have not been able to retrieve it from his Laptop.

In the story, she has just been born - and I am up to page 8!

Wow.

I keep remembering bits that I need to document. Some of the story is not going to be in chronological order... but the details will be there.

There is so much more to say.

In other news, I feel like I have been hit by a bus. Head is heavy, aching all over, feel a little sick, want to cry...

ugh.

To cloth, or not to cloth, that is the question

At least, that is the question the pregnant manager at Hungry Jacks asked me on Saturday night.

Lucky for me (or her!) I had my fancy light blue butterfly KIC sitting right at the top of the nappy bag. She was taken by it.

We got talking lots, especially about slings too, and I gave her my business card. She plans to breastfeed, was thinking of doing 50/50 cloth/dispies and was interested in baby wearing. She is having bubs at RPAH and so I suggested she contact me in the future to have a talk/catch up/friendly cuppa 'cause she has no family support around.

I know only too well what that is like.

Fingers crossed she does contact me!

Fare thee well, dear friend of old.

Dear, sweet, Willow.
Dancing delicately on the river of our hearts
Gracefully sheltering our secrets
our dreams
our sorrows
A hot water bottle in winter
A delicate pillow in summer
A climbing partner in spring
A friend in leaves through autumn
Gentle, caring, loving and bold
Sleep sweetly forever
Under the Old Oak Tree.

Been Stalked.

I knew she'd rear her ugly head soon. At least, I assumed it was her. Sure enough, knock knock. Who's There? Aunt Flo.

F**k Off. I'm not ready for you yet.

I've been getting lots of signs, though was suspicious to the point of buying a pregnancy test today.

Oooops. Shows I am a little out of touch when it comes to reading my body.

I knew about the CM... had kept track. Was feeling pain last week... thought I'd probably know next week if it was Flo. She decided to come early.

Pregnancy Test is definately negative!

What am I, five?!

My mum has a new man in her life. After my dad left there were a couple of boyfriends and then my wonderful step dad. They were like 20 year olds in love for the first time. She was blissfully happy and he made her that way. I saw a side of her I'd never seen before.

Then he died of a heart attack.

Her life was shattered, her heart broken. Part of her died when he left this earth.

That was over two years ago now and it has not been an easy road. She had my little brother move out, and she was alone for the first time. I worried about her living life without someone. I never thought, though, that she would actually find someone new.

And my feelings have left a bitter taste in my mouth. I know who he is and I believe him to be a lovely man. However when I hear his name mentioned, when mum tells me she's done this with him, or that with him, or is going away with him I feel sad and anxious. I was kept in the dark about it for a little bit I believe, but not intentionally, though when mum said she was spending time with him, his name keeps popping up. I am genuinely happy for her. The fact she has someone to spend time with again, to look out for her and give her comfort is wonderful.

But I cannot help but feel like stamping my foot, pouting my lip and squealing "What about Bill!"

One thing is for certain... I'd never say this to her face, simply because she is old enough to make her own decisions and be happy with them....

-----------------------------

I have spent the last 15 years hiding the truth from people. It was my secret to hide because it did not concern others (it did, but that's not the point!). Anyways, my sister is going through a lot of healing which I am so grateful for. It is time for her. However the weight of all of this is affecting everyone back home. They are dealing with it all together because it is affecting their lives now. I have done my healing for the most part, but now they all have to go through it. The thing is, I wish that it did not have to come out the way it is - to my dad, for instance. Everyone is insisting that for them to heal, he has to know. Everyone, except me. I have spent 15 years determined that he would never find out. But apparently he will by the end of the month.

I feel very dettached from all that is going on. I feel as though people don't care as much about me having gone through it, as they do about my little sister (who will read this and feel it is part of her fault this going on - but understand sis, these are my ramblings, not a reflection on what is happening to you!). Why, when I told my mum about this in 1999, was her response "Well, just pick yourself up and get over it." Not exactly the support I was looking for at the time. I was suicidal, at breaking point, very alone and no one was really interested in listening to me.

I carried the weight of the world on my shoulders. I could not share any of this because I was scared my telling would send someone to jail, either the man who did it, or my father for killing him. No wonder my mouth stayed fairly zipped.

On Friday there was a wake for a man who was known by all involved in this story. Everyone was there (excluding me and my father). Secrets were told in confidence under the shadowy cloak of red wine and in ear-shot of people it should not have been. The proverbial cat has gotten out of the bag.

It's almost as though I am not even involved in any of this. That this is not happening in my life. It is happening in another part of the world to other people and I am just a bystander. At least, this is how it feels... The thing is, I am the one who has never forgotten, I am the one who has spent all this time hiding the truth for the good of all, and I am the one who is not having a say in any of the decisions now being made.

And now, I just don't know what I am supposed to think/feel/do.

My Legs! I can't feel my legs!!

So I had a follow up appointment with the OB today. He never actually attended Tara's arrival, however he was ultimately in charge being a head doc. Anyways, he was the one that gave me a debrief over her birth, and then referred me to a neurologist to have my legs checked for the lack of feeling. Today was a check up after the referral. He's still not *happy* that I have this problem, but understands that it is justone of those things. Though he has suggested he sends a referral to phyiso so they can decide whether or not I need to have physio therapy to try and get teh nerves in my thighs feeling again.

One thing the OB said was that he is not certain this condition will improve if I have another child - and he suggested it will actually get worse. I think I can live with that.

I also asked whether I will be able to have a midwife led birth next time or whether, in his opinion, I would need to be under the care of an OB. He was all for the Birth Centre.

Sure, I would love to have a home birth, and I know lots will be disapproving even with me considering going down the Birth Centre route - but I just don't think it's for me. Granted I have lots of time - but it's one of those things on my mind.

So yeah, all in all I came away quite positive. Realistically - if I had an OB, he'd be the one I choose - being so "naturally" focussed. LOL

A lowly milk crate

A big fat nothing. That's how I feel today.

People who I think have me in their heart just use me for what I have to offer. When someone better comes along, I get booted to the kerb and am left to give the new-come a leg up (ie: They use me as a milkcrate to jump the fence). And sometimes, I don't even think it has to do with that person not being emotionally attached to me - more, they get swept away with the bells and whistles the newbie brings to the table.

My lack of being "out west", having no transport to get there, and relying on either ally or public transport means that I am cut off from happenings. And because the newbie can get there, show support and flash the bells and whistles, I am forgotten about.

It's the frikken story of my life. I don't fit in anywhere. Mothers Group I feel as though I am a hippy in disguise. At SAP I feel like a fraud. Like I could never raise Tara to be like that. I feel in my heart that I don't belong there. I want to go home, be with Alice and Ruby, and be myself. Fit in. Feel loved, and not stepped on.

I feel like shit. I feel like I am nothing to no one. And those that I *maybe* mean something to are either too far away, or online only. It makes me feel sick.

I want to whinge and bitch about other things, but what's the point? It's not like it helps. Not like it changes things.

Got any blacker...?

Bubbles has a black eye.

The toy cube and her had a disagreement over her excitment while playing with it. She, in her infinate wisdom, headbutted it to give it what for. It smacked her on the cheek with a blue triangle piece of wood. It one.

She has a 'V' shape on her cheek and it flows up to the corner of her eye.

Ooops.

Clickitty-click

Photo Time!

Advocate boobies!

Anyone interested in giving me some feedback on some booby advocacy tee designs, email me at info @ designs by kristie dot com. (remove spaces). No testers for the tees just yet ;) if there is enough interest in the designs, then I'll start doing them :)

By emailing me you'll have to answer some questions in a customer service kind of way ;)

It's a numbers game...

As of right this moment - until I sleep it off - I hate the # 3

Build me up, to knock me down...

So, I spent the morning looking for a particular item on ebay. I finally found something that really fit what I was looking for. Then silly me looked at what else they sell and I found them selling something I personally find horrible. And here I was thinking I was on to a good thing. I'd found something hand crafted in australia, that was beautiful and decent postage....


Damn Morals.

*snarling*

Temporary Co Worker: "What are you doing?"
Me: "Just some graphics for the new version"
TCW: "Nice to be back here?"
Me: "Oh yes, have missed working for [Company name]. The people here were once like family"
TCW: "Good to be back in the real world then?"


WTF? the rel world...? You mean caring for a child is not "real world living"?!

ugh.

Brainstorming...

What is something that is very exclusive, highly desirable (especially to the alternative/enviro/organic/vego/cloth/booby loving crowd), and is copied ruthlessly?

The initial thought I had was a Prada bag... but somehow I don't think that fits the whole demographic I am aiming at LOL!

edited to add: I could go with coffee, but comparing that to breastmilk does not seem to fit either...

Help?


While I am at it, all those in favour of advocacy teeshirts, say aye!

I have two breastfeeding ones, a cloth bum one, a sling one... will think of another cloth and sling one... but anyone got any other types they'd like available?

Grand Plans for the small stuff...

So much has been going on the last week - I am so slack with my blogging at the moment!

On Friday we went to my Dad's place and we stayed for the long weekend. Tara was spoilt rotten and had anyone and everyone wrapped around her fingers. She came home with a new wardrobe of clothing.

Talking about a wardrobe. Kmart has something for sale that I want because it is ridiculously cheap. But where would I put a set of six drawers? I actually *NEED* this, but don't know where it would go... mmmm besides, not sure how it would fit in the car.

Back to talking about Dad. It was a pretty pleasant visit all in all and I found out that my grandmother will be coming to Australia. I am very excited about this. I hope she gets her insurance worked out. otherwise it is a no go, but I would love to see her *one more time* and for her to meet Tara. It'll be great!

Went to the movies today and saw "The Break Up". The beginning was hilarious. Then it kinda dwindled out. It was pretty good light hearted entertainment and certainly worth the cheap $9 ticket for the Mum's and Bub's session... but it was not *great*. It's certainly not a movie you go to *think* through.

Tara is officially size 00 now I think. We bought her a dress on the weekend that was 000 because there were no 00 sizes, and well, she wore it as a tunic top today (which was unbelievably cute!!!). My girl is growing up ;)

My sister is going through so much at the moment. It is moments like this where I really wish I was home to help her through some of this, but not sure how I would be able to help her. At least she is getting through some emotions and having some "breakthroughs" (*wink*). It is amazing how sexual abuse in the past can bring up things now... I look at Tara and I get so paranoid something will happen to her. I would protect her with my life. And I can understand why my dad always said he would kill anyone who touched his girls. Mmmmm, Daddy, I hope you are sitting down when you find out what happened. And that mum removes the knives from your reach.

My brain seems to stop processing a lot at the moment. Meh.

I am working tomorrow.. Yay. will pay for some of my recent splurges.

Was talking to a friend about when to go for kiddos duos. She would be quite happy to fall pregnant tomorrow. I know a lot of women like this. I am too scared to just yet... But I think by the time Tara is 18 months I'll be ready to consider it. Maybe.

Things to do in the next two months:

*register business name
*find my ABN or sign up for a new one since the business registry cannot find the old one.
*register domain name
*business plan write up
*design site
*contact suppliers (have two on board so far and emailed a few more)
*buy stock
*get business cards

Lots more, bu t that is what is on the top of my mind right now. It is exciting that Ally is on board with this too!

I have fluffy mail waiting for me in the outer regions. It is very exciting!!!

OK.. fingers freezing off. There was more I was wanting to write, but I am too cold!

How to be an idiot: Class 101.

What part of "Just Add Milk" don't you understand Kristie?!



Instead of cookies, I have fudgey goop.

Got Coffee?!

Apart from the fact Tara has a nappy that says this on it... I got this from Azure... ;)

You Are an Espresso

At your best, you are: straight shooting, ambitious, and energetic At your worst, you are: anxious and high strung You drink coffee when: anytime you're not sleeping Your caffeine addiction level: high

What Kind of Coffee Are You?

It's like talking to a bloomin' brick wall

Talking to the other half that is. For at least two weeks I have been asking for photos to be uploaded to the server so I can access them. He insist on doing it his way, but refuses to do it when I ask. I have people waiting on photos from me - but noooooo he can't be bothered... He just nods his head when I ask... If only I was not so spastic - I'd set it up on my computer, but he has the cords and I'll be loath to pull anything out of his computer for fear of crashing the thing...

The other half of this is I asked him specifically to send me Tara's birth story from the computer. I started it in hospital, but caring for a newborn made it hard for me to finish it. It's now been six months and I wanted to upload it for people to read on her 6 months post birth day... well that's been and gone... thanks honey!

Contrary to popular belief, I do not like the sound of my own voice.

I've been feeling very "nowhere" recently. Not part of anything particular. There is my mothers group, but I feel so out of it at times because I am so different to many of them. But there is no one really around here that I feel really comfortable with.

I am missing my family, missing old friends, missing going through life with people like minded as me. Friends having babies all in Victoria and I am not part of that any more. No one around here who is the same age/same wavelength... I feel very isolated at times. I read often of the Melbourne AP group.. of the Gold Coast AP group... and although there is the Sydney AP group I have not been able to go there much recently due to working when they meet. I want to go back to the ABA meetings but I STILL have not been given a timetable for the inner west group...

Sometimes being a mum can be such a lonely event...

Even those who I sometimes feel close to online - things happen and that distance creeps in again... *sigh*


now to try and get an itti bitti

Another new bundle...

Yesterday an old friend, Narelle, gave birth to a little boy - Jacob Anthony. Narelle, Lisa and I all went to Youth Group at the Boronia Uniting Church 15 years ago.

Whodahthunkit we would all be mothers within 6 months of each other?

Welcome precious little one!

At 3.14pm yesterday afternoon (27th of May) my lifelong friend, Lisa, gave birth to a little girl - ELLA PAIGE, 8lb, 5oz.

Congratulations Lisa and Andrew!

All that I never was...

We just got Tara's BC... (I was slack, alright...)

I did not realise that they actually put occupation on the certificate... I just figured it was for "statistics"...

I've not stopped crying since.

"Dog Walker"

it just reads "Looser Deadbeat Parent" to me...

*sighs*

It's as if those two words have summed up just how useless I sometimes feel...

I would have felt better if it read "Graphic Designer" (which is what I see myself as) or a secretary, or student...