Thanks 60mins...

Well since the show aired on the weekend I have to admit to feeling more uncomfortable about being a parent than since she first arrived.

Today I had bubbles in my mesh ring sling - a beautiful sling that is bright and comfy and I adore it. And I was feeding Bubbles - 11 months - and had a group of people watching, commenting to themselves, laughing, whispering. I've never felt uncomfortable with Tara in a sling - but today - I did. I have no idea what they were talking about, but I felt dirty almost. As if, thanks to 60mins, I was being judged as abusive and negligent of my child.

I have no idea what they were talking about. But it felt wrong for me to do what is so natural...

*sigh*

Ebay... *drool*

Argh. I should NOT look at ebay because I always see things that I want.

I *sooooo* want this dress. and it is so cheap! Just think how cute Tara would look in this for her birthday, or even better christmas morning with the red... add a pair of wings... *yes, I am obsessive*

Then of course there is this pendant here. As much as I don't really like Amber - polished amber with a dragonfly in it is awesome. I would love to give that to tara for her first birthday - have it mounted in silver, and keep it in a special place while she grows.

argh!

Must not look at ebay.

In other news - we are having a party for Tara's birthday. At a cheesy Mexican restaurant. Hehe. I have *booked* it already and *booked* the highchairs LOL. Now that I am in party mode I need to work on some things. I was thinking of cupcakes for cakeage... but I want sugared Dragonflies to top them. Can't find them anywhere. I can find basic sugar tops in the supermarket, but other kiddies had them at their party on the weekend.... don't want to be a copy cat - I want to be original. So was thinking about having cupcake mushrooms with red tops and white spots... or maybe just a big normal cake with a dragonfly on the top (I have a dragonfly I could use - got it at the Melbourne show)...

argh..decisions decisions... so much to think about.

Then there is the guest list. Argh. I am going to make sure I invite anyone and everyone - cause then no one can be pissed off if they never got the invite! ;) don't care who comes LOL as they'll be paying for their own meals (yeah, I am a stingy bitch! but last time I spent money on a party - my blessingway - no one turned up really - a few key people did - but not many!)... so we might buy a few extra jugs of sangria... ;) and we will provide cake (though Iain sounds keen to bake!)... too much to think about.. too much too much! anyone want to impart wisdom?

Tagged!

Here are are the rules to play:
List 5 weird things about yourself or your pets.
Tag 5 friends and list them.
Those people then need to write on their blogs about 5 weird things, and state the rules, and tag 5 more people.
Don’t forget to let the people you tagged know by posting a comment on their blog!

1. You know how boys like to pee up walls? I like to squirt milk in the shower. OK, maybe TMI.

2. I used to be a competitive public speaker - I even won a trophy and regional finals!

3. I love holding dinner parties but always tend to screw up something. Currently have no where to hold a dinner party though.

4. I am the soul remaining founding member of the Australian Rodent Fanciers Society of NSW Inc. Ally is the second member after me left. He is the President of the Club.

5. I want to be a doula and birth educator but have never been to a real vaginal birth.


Tagged - Iain, Belinda (bear), Grumpy, Siobhan

Overrating is a matter of opinion...

Ok... I NEED SOME FEEDBACK. please answer this question:

How important is the first birthday party?

I have already been in tears today regarding the fact I have been told some people won't come to a party because "they can't remember it" and "it's not like the first is important"

Am I the only person who believes that it is important to have a first birthday party...? or is it just important for me?



The last 24 hours has been a mixture of great things - but predominately a mixture of crap. Life has dropped into a whirlwind of blackness through some parts of our life. The black dog has rejected me for now, and gone for Ally. It's amazing how 24 hours can bring a person down. Sometimes life sucks.

However after today, maybe moving to Melbourne might be easier.

Make me over, baby!

So, am planning on the new look of this blog - have a new banner designed - just gotta work out what to do with the rest.

Does Blogger Beta have new base templates?

I have overdosed on sugar - all I had was a can of creaming soda (bright red stuff!) and I feel drunk.

Update on the Faery. She has ANOTHER tooth! And that makes 7. I think the next one might be coming too. Dunno. She's being a bit cheeky though - she's been gnawing on the nipples a bit - the left is bruised from her late night feeds... very tender! She's crawling like a demon now too. If she wants to do somewhere in a hurry or is excited, she puts her head down, her hands point inwards and she skuttles across the floor! If anyone remembers the cartoon "My Pet Monster" that is what she looks like - especially when it is accompanied by her Roaring.

Put her to bed the other night in a dispy 'cause we'd just come home and I was lazy. All of a sudden things were starting to feel wet. I undid the sleeping bag to find a naked child. And a nappy right down the bottom. It had come undone LOL. Ally was laughing at me insinuating I had not put a nappy on her at all. haha.

Tara is cruising. She stands up on anything she can. It is very cute. She's so tiny. Everyone looks at her and thinks she is so big, and has to be older than she is - but she'd be lucky to be 8kgs. Well, she'd be close to 8, or just on. Good thing really since Ally decided she needed to be turned around in the car seat (ours is 8kg). Helped a little with the long distance travelling.

She absolutely loved being down at the farm. It was fantastic. She rolled around in the clover in a paddock, got mauled with love by a kelpie pup, talked to the cows eating Nanna's trees (!), rolling off the veranda into the rose bushes on Nanna's watch, staring at the bonfires and of course being smothered with love from everyone.

I miss it. I know she does just from her behaviour. *sigh*

Mental Note: Breastpads are always helpful. Doh!

Ohhh! I see another tooth. Number 8 is going to be coming through soon. Can tell by the patch of drool on her front.

I am so absolutely amazed at the personality coming out of my little faery at the moment. She is such a whirlwind. Cheeky beyond all belief. Stubborn to a fauly. Happy go lucky, loves her food. Talks excessively when tired (like me!). Loves music, gets really grumpy when tired (like her dad!). I just love her.

I had my hair done today. Not that happy with it. I wanted drastic layering through my hair. Instead it is very subtle. Not 80's hair at all. I dyed it as well. "Rasin" It's a dark purple brown. It's just a semi. I have decided I need to start putting some effort into myself. My self esteem is shot, so I need to start trying to make myself to feel good.

Anyone reading - Can a naturpath help with general wellbeing etc? What about a hollistic practitioner? I am thinking I would like to try boosting myself through one of these methods.

using "Holiday" Skin at the moment. well, have used it once and am about to put it on again. Anyone else used it? What about the Dove one? which is better?

Ok. enough rambling for now - need to decide on more blog graffics lol.

Friday Night Party Shennannigans

Friday Night I cooked dinner for family and my best friend (and her bf).

I made a chicken pasta/lasagne type thingo served with garlic bread. Apple Crumble and Lemon Tart were desert.

Alcohol freely flowed.

The talk was loud, the mood jovial, though tinted with a whiff of desperate longing, and sprinkling of dread - Saturday we we leaving.

The night revolved around very, VERY loud conversation reminiscing about bygone days. Of Drunken nights pashing boys, of getting sloshed, of best friends.

here are a few snippets of conversation...

"...oh and E went up to the trees to pee and sat on a stinging nettle!"

"...there was no point trying to hide the hickies from you mum - I had six!"

"...and they set the hay bales on fire... and Bill just had to look at them before they took off... and mum got them with the hose!"

"... you really should have let her head go R. ... slamming it on the concrete is not the way to show sisterly love"

"... my god he was a good kisser! But he got around. We all had a piece of him!"

"...I said to him congratulations on the wedding - next you'll be popping kids... he said 'Don't fucking talk to me about no kids'. E then ran up to me telling me K (the wife) was pregnant and overjoyed!"

"... you drank the bottle of home made sambuca while I was on the phone... (It was nice!)... it was a 2 lt bottle!"

"... we only had friends because you took pity on us"

"... at least I used to put money IN the till when I stole cigs. Everyone else just took the damn things"

"... she dropped the bottle of Black Douglas on the floor and they proceeded to start licking the slate. Next we hear 'I need a straw!'... so much for mothers being role models on responsible drinking!"

"... mum's kinda known for dancing on the tables at functions when she has drunk too much"

"... so... you dated him, then he dated C, then he dated E, then S, then you again. You were together for ages, then C and he got together - Then you stole him back - then she went and got A because you had left him. Hell - you and C shared a lot of boyfriends!"

"... was that the time we came back to the tents to find guys in them? We used them for a night then shifted the tents the next day"

"... he can't help that his mother is a professional"

"...when you can grow a fuller beard at the age of 14 than your teachers - you get special treatment!"


I could go on and on and on... but that paints a bit of a picture about my life and my sister and friend back home...

It was fun reminiscing about those days. More than anything it shows time and time again that my friendship with R back home is just as it was when I left. It's made me long for being back home. Wanting to be with them. To have THAT sort of friendship that is endless and boundless... I love her like family.

For those of you who are loyal blog readers, and know about my wedding predicament (ie: the lack there of and hell freezing over), She will be my Maid of Honour. As I said. Hell and all that.

I miss them all already.

F is for Failure

I feel like a fraud and a failure. I feel as though I am just a waste of space. Granted, I feel great some days - most of the day actually - but then I let my brain get the better of me.

Iain, you could say the black dog is nipping.

Why can't I be told I am loved?
Why can't I feel I deserve my daughter?
Why can't I see that I'll not be abandoned?
Why can't I be stronger in myself?

I don't feel depressed. I feel scared. I think there is a big big big difference. I know what depression is like, I have battled it all my life. I know I am close - am not there yet though. Being treated like a child the other day, and feeling scalded for my bad behaviour sent me teetering on the edge of the abys. I know I deserved being reprimanded. I went too far. I don't deserve to be a mother after the way I acted.

I am always feeling as though I am going to be left alone. That everyone is looking for an excuse to leave me. Maybe I am giving them reason to leave? Or to force them away?

5 years is too far away for me to look forward to. There is a lot of time to pass between now and then. Tara would be in school then. I want to be SETTLED before then. I would prefer to be back in Melbourne for the time she starts school. Find a suburb, research, find schools, housing areas. Live and dream a little. Ally says in a few years. I said how much is a few? He said a few is 5 years. I don't think that is easy to look forward to.

Supposed to move between now and christmas. Doubt it will happen. Can't even find a place I remotely like. Was wanting to move closer to a school to send Tara to, but if I want to move to melbourne, what's the point of relocating close to a school if tara will not go there?

I feel as though he does not love me. He says it occasionally - but only when things are dire. If I am upset, or being wheeled into surgery or y'know - when things are big. I wish he could say it more, but that is not him. Sometimes we are so different I wonder how we got to where we are. I love him with all of my heart, but feel as though saying it to him makes him feel uncomfortable. Like he is pressured to tell me he loves me too. I wish I could communicate better. I seem to only be able to do that when I am crying hysterically. And even then I tend to shut down.

My immediate reaction to all that is happening right now is to run away. I feel as though I am failing being a mother, failing being a partner, failing being a daughter, failing being a friend. Sometimes I just want to get dressed and walk out the door and just go and hide. Part of me thinks Tara would be better off on Canned BoobJuice than with me because I am such a failure. Anyone who knows me knows how much I hate the Canned Shite. So to think this makes me heart break.

I feel as though I have nothing in front of me. I want to become a Childbirth Educator and Doula. But is that just stupid? Do I really think I could support women in labour and pregnancy? Stacey talked about the fluctuating hobbies in ther blog earlier. Maybe I am just destined to float from one fancy to another without actually doing anything. maybe that is my parenting style too...

I feel totally fucked up. How does one even go about seeking out a counsellor who is ok with your parenting style and choices? How do you open up with all the shit that is going through your head without feeling like an utter fruitcake? Hang on - I AM the fruitcake. There is so much going on in my head, I cannot turn the thoughts off. I cannot stop thinking, processing, stopping and starting my internal conversations. There is so much to say to someone I just don't know where to start. It would be one very massive brain dump.

Hi. My name is Kristie.
I have a 5.5 year relationship with a guy who refuses to marry me.
Even looking at rings at a jewellery store makes him hyperventillate. Sometimes I comment on them just to see his reaction.
We have a kid - Tara, 10 months - because I found out I was pregnant. Oops. I love her to pieces. Would never trade her for the world. Sometimes I think he feels as though he has to be with me just because of her. He tells me it is not true. I know he loves her. Does he love me too though?
I had one hellish birth. I had performance anxiety and so she was ripped from me.
I could not even get the surgery part right so contracted an infection and got back into Hotel Postnatal Ward.
I was abused as a child. Not once, not twice - I got the Trifecta! Do I get extra brownie points?
My dad left us when I was seven. He screwed some woman in the back of a car. My mum was pregnant with my brother.
We moved to Melbourne for him. He moved to melbourne to be with her. We moved to be closer to family. he moved to the middle of whoop-whoop.
Apparently we do not love him enough though because we don't make enough effort to see him. Or call him. Or whatever. Maybe I should give him a phone card for christmas.
My step-dad died. I can't get over it. Everyone else was in victoria able to help mum through it. I had to wait a week before I could come help. She was in hospital and I was designing logos.
I ran away from my life when I was 19. I moved to sydney to get away.
Now all I want to do is go back, but I can't 'cause I am stuck. We can't move if we have no money at the destination. I at least have some friends in Sydney. Ally has no friends in Melbourne.

yup. it will be one hell of a first meeting.


Hi. My name is Kristie, and I am a fruitcake.

Spring Holidays

So, I am on holidays at the moment. We are at mum's place in vic and it is just so wonderful.

We went to Melbourne on Tuesday and stayed in a Motel/Suite on Swanson street for two nights. We visited the show on the Wednesday and had a great time. Caught up with the Aussie Rat mob, as well as Studio Sebastian - that was great.

Mum fell in love with the Tonkinese kitties - having lost willow earlier this year. Tonkas are what siamese *used* to look like before they made them into the disney look-alikes from Lady and the Tramp.

I decided to be antisocial and not catch up with anyone this time - we had a serious lack of time and I did not want to feel pulled or dragged around trying to catch up with everyone. We will be back in January and hope to catch the AB group as well as Lisa and Andrew ;) Heads up all...

We visited the museum, and got in some shopping. I got a new pair of jeans that are just wonderful and lovely. As well as a new top thanks to mum.

Tara has had a ball. Like Laurent - she had her photo taken with a lamb at the show - will upload pics at some stage. She also pulled the ears on the calf in the petting zoo haha.

Got half way to melbourne on the train to realise the ergo and my slings were left in the car - so first stop in melbourne was Lincraft to buy some fabric. 2.5m with a knot tied makes a great sling LOL. And now I have some funky fabric haha.

We saw the AFL grandfinal parade. On friday there appeared to only be W.C supporters in the crowd. The Sydney groups must have all just overnighted it because the MCG looked half and half on TV. What a great game! shame about the score!

Yesterday we went to the Colraine Races. Got dressed up a little and had a few to drink LOL. Tara has taken to not feeding much during the day so I knew I was fairly safe (and hoped any alcohol would knock her out haha!) They gave us free champers and stuff while there, and had a small flutter on the horsies on one race - and won all my money back plus a dollar. Yay Me!

Tara has been having a ball of a time. She is climbing up on everything an is really enjoying herself. She is charming everyone she meets which is really sweet too. She now has six teeth through LOL. I hope we have a bit of a break because the last two sucked. She's loving her food and just amazing me (and everyone else) every day.

Dealing with family has been ok. The troubles before coming down have yet to be mentioned and I am just biding time I think. I dunno. I'm not too worried though.

Brother and Sister have both been a bit snappy with everyone. Brother because he is a 20 year old with testosterone and attitude and realistically need someone to drop him. Not that I condone violence of any sort, really.... but he really needs to be put in his place. He's had a right shitty time with life, I know, but that is no way to treat everyone around you.

Sister has been snappy too - but she's, one... a little fragile... two... decided to give up the smokes.... argh. sleep deprivation, toothache and giving up smoking?!

After our trip to Melbourne I would *so* love to move there. Be hard convincing Ally. He says maybe in a couple years... well, I don't really want to have to uproot Tara much in her life.. I'd prefer to find a place and settle down. I'd really like to be settled by the time she is 4 and really, not sure if Ally will be ready to move then. Who knows. I know I am finding a place in Sydney at the moment, though I know we are looking at moving from where we are anyways... I just - it feels so much warmer and welcoming down here. We'd be closer to family - could visit my auntie, my mum, friends... easily....

Argh. I should not think about it though because I'll just get my hopes up and then get all upset about it.

Hoping to see my best friend this week. I have a feeling seeing her is going to make me want to be down here even more.

arghie arghie arghie.

Anyways... should go do something before girl wakes and I become a mum for the day LOL