Tara's Story

Well, it's taken a while, but it is done. I cannot believe it is finished. I thought I would never get through it.

There are bound to be spelling mistakes, mistakes in time, mistakes in a few details.. but it is there and done.

If anyone would like to read it...

http://kristie.su.com.au/tara/birth/

It is *very* long (14 pages in word...) so maybe a cuppa is in order before you start?

Please feel free to leave comments here, or to email them to me... I would really value some other people's imput.

Asking the newborn *cough*

Last night at friends' I was perched in front of their box watching and flicking the TV. I came to SBS and thought, oh, I'll watch this! It was called Odyssey of New Life or some such. Computer rendered video showed the baby in the tummy *gush* in the 2nd trimester. It was sweet.

And then they started goin on about how the senses are developed and what the baby can and cannot do. One American doctor was talking about how babies could recognise their mother, and choose what they wanted to hear.

He made a device with a nipple on it and played sounds to the baby - including the babe's mum. Through basic positive reinforcement the baby could "choose" to listen to its mother by sucking the fake nipple faster.

I was horrified that people would be confusing NEWBORN babies sucking reflexes by using a fake nipple to find out if it wanted to be with its mother, or if it recognised it's mother's voice.

ARGH!

In other news. Tara's birth saga is written. Doing final adjustments - 14 pages long. oops. Will have to publish it on its own page I think...

The wave of a sigh.

Not feeling great at the moment. Hormones are hitting me and I am not sure I like it. I have started on the mini pill too, so am wondering whether or not it is affecting me negatively too (when I remember to take it - dagnabbit!)I realise that not taking it 100% of the time negates the whole pill thing... but hey, I'm trying. I have remembered 4 in a row so far!!

Anyways. I feel a little shadowed. Black shadowy around the outsides. Just add a photoshop blur to my life. It does not help that Tara is sleeping roughly at the moment. Poor thing is having such trouble with her teeth, and the brauers is only helping a little bit. We have two through, and two on their way. Hopefully they will break through and then I can get sleep again. It's just not helping my moods. I tried to explain to my yoga teacher yesterday that I was feeling a little battered emotionally. I told her my period had returned and that I had acknoweleged that. She reminded me I need to grieve it a bit too, and then try and move on. I just want to cry.

I feel a little worthless at the moment. Feel as though Ally is looking down on me because I don't do enough. Don't do enough washing/don't do enough cleaning/don't do enough money making/dont' do enough yada yada yada.

There is nothing like the feeling of knowing the person you love is disappointed in you. I am too scared to ask for things because I spent too much money. oh well. I don't need to go out of the house. I feel bitter. About lots of things.

I feel bitter about being stuck in sydney. I feel bitter about not knowing my place in sydney. Do I want to stay in Newtown (where I am finding some friends and great ones at that)... while having a mothers group that I am feeling more and more detached from? Do I want to move and start over again, with no guarentees I'll find anything over there?

I am utterly pissed off with the ABA. How many times does one have to request a newsletter and calendar? I am frikken subscribed! I *want* to attend meetings! Just because *they* decided I was not in their *zone* and needed to be moved to a different area group... I wanted to go to *their* meetings because it is *way* closer.

I need to renew my membership. And I need to pay for the seminar. Maybe I can pay for the subscription on the night, get my bookie, and the calendar for the meetings.

I was thinking I should find out what it takes to be a Breastfeeding Counsellor. Though it would be too late to help anyone in my mothers group. Might be a good thing though - especially if my plans for my "thingo" go ahead in the next 5 years.

Ponder Ponder (Triple M - Ponder This!) haha... mmm. in joke .

Memories...Cue Babs!

So, reflecting over Tara's birth has me remembering exactly what went on. I have found myself detached from a lot of feelings about the birth, because that was the easiest way to deal with them. Now even though I want to, I can't *feel* a lot of the emotions I want.

I remember thinking in the O.R. that when I see her and hear her I will cry with joy because my girl is now safe. I just cried because I was vomiting so much, and that I could not kiss her properly.

I remember the anger of having a chuppa chup ripped out of my mouth - yet, I don't remember them telling me I got to 7cm.

I remember the absolute fear I had when I saw her heart rate. That's the biggest emotion I remember. Oh, and the absolute wonder that she was inside of me one moment, then out the next.

I've been watching the video of her extraction. Screaming at Ally to "look at the clock!" What us mothers think about.

I have been thinking about NEXT time. I need to start preparing now, emotionally, if I want to do it again.

So, addicted to reading birth stories, I have been reading Navelgazing Midwife's "20 years of Birth Stories". I have read from August 2004 - May 2006. I can't see if there is more. I have lots of questions about my birth of Tara - but I know one thing is really for certain - Tara was in great distress.

Oh. The Little Wench (I say this quite lovingly!!) has a new sound.

Dadadadadadadada.

As I said. Little Wench.

Starting the story...

Today I was using Ally's computer and began to do some work on Tara's Birth Story. I started it in hospital and have not touched it basically since then as I have not been able to retrieve it from his Laptop.

In the story, she has just been born - and I am up to page 8!

Wow.

I keep remembering bits that I need to document. Some of the story is not going to be in chronological order... but the details will be there.

There is so much more to say.

In other news, I feel like I have been hit by a bus. Head is heavy, aching all over, feel a little sick, want to cry...

ugh.

To cloth, or not to cloth, that is the question

At least, that is the question the pregnant manager at Hungry Jacks asked me on Saturday night.

Lucky for me (or her!) I had my fancy light blue butterfly KIC sitting right at the top of the nappy bag. She was taken by it.

We got talking lots, especially about slings too, and I gave her my business card. She plans to breastfeed, was thinking of doing 50/50 cloth/dispies and was interested in baby wearing. She is having bubs at RPAH and so I suggested she contact me in the future to have a talk/catch up/friendly cuppa 'cause she has no family support around.

I know only too well what that is like.

Fingers crossed she does contact me!

Fare thee well, dear friend of old.

Dear, sweet, Willow.
Dancing delicately on the river of our hearts
Gracefully sheltering our secrets
our dreams
our sorrows
A hot water bottle in winter
A delicate pillow in summer
A climbing partner in spring
A friend in leaves through autumn
Gentle, caring, loving and bold
Sleep sweetly forever
Under the Old Oak Tree.

Been Stalked.

I knew she'd rear her ugly head soon. At least, I assumed it was her. Sure enough, knock knock. Who's There? Aunt Flo.

F**k Off. I'm not ready for you yet.

I've been getting lots of signs, though was suspicious to the point of buying a pregnancy test today.

Oooops. Shows I am a little out of touch when it comes to reading my body.

I knew about the CM... had kept track. Was feeling pain last week... thought I'd probably know next week if it was Flo. She decided to come early.

Pregnancy Test is definately negative!

What am I, five?!

My mum has a new man in her life. After my dad left there were a couple of boyfriends and then my wonderful step dad. They were like 20 year olds in love for the first time. She was blissfully happy and he made her that way. I saw a side of her I'd never seen before.

Then he died of a heart attack.

Her life was shattered, her heart broken. Part of her died when he left this earth.

That was over two years ago now and it has not been an easy road. She had my little brother move out, and she was alone for the first time. I worried about her living life without someone. I never thought, though, that she would actually find someone new.

And my feelings have left a bitter taste in my mouth. I know who he is and I believe him to be a lovely man. However when I hear his name mentioned, when mum tells me she's done this with him, or that with him, or is going away with him I feel sad and anxious. I was kept in the dark about it for a little bit I believe, but not intentionally, though when mum said she was spending time with him, his name keeps popping up. I am genuinely happy for her. The fact she has someone to spend time with again, to look out for her and give her comfort is wonderful.

But I cannot help but feel like stamping my foot, pouting my lip and squealing "What about Bill!"

One thing is for certain... I'd never say this to her face, simply because she is old enough to make her own decisions and be happy with them....

-----------------------------

I have spent the last 15 years hiding the truth from people. It was my secret to hide because it did not concern others (it did, but that's not the point!). Anyways, my sister is going through a lot of healing which I am so grateful for. It is time for her. However the weight of all of this is affecting everyone back home. They are dealing with it all together because it is affecting their lives now. I have done my healing for the most part, but now they all have to go through it. The thing is, I wish that it did not have to come out the way it is - to my dad, for instance. Everyone is insisting that for them to heal, he has to know. Everyone, except me. I have spent 15 years determined that he would never find out. But apparently he will by the end of the month.

I feel very dettached from all that is going on. I feel as though people don't care as much about me having gone through it, as they do about my little sister (who will read this and feel it is part of her fault this going on - but understand sis, these are my ramblings, not a reflection on what is happening to you!). Why, when I told my mum about this in 1999, was her response "Well, just pick yourself up and get over it." Not exactly the support I was looking for at the time. I was suicidal, at breaking point, very alone and no one was really interested in listening to me.

I carried the weight of the world on my shoulders. I could not share any of this because I was scared my telling would send someone to jail, either the man who did it, or my father for killing him. No wonder my mouth stayed fairly zipped.

On Friday there was a wake for a man who was known by all involved in this story. Everyone was there (excluding me and my father). Secrets were told in confidence under the shadowy cloak of red wine and in ear-shot of people it should not have been. The proverbial cat has gotten out of the bag.

It's almost as though I am not even involved in any of this. That this is not happening in my life. It is happening in another part of the world to other people and I am just a bystander. At least, this is how it feels... The thing is, I am the one who has never forgotten, I am the one who has spent all this time hiding the truth for the good of all, and I am the one who is not having a say in any of the decisions now being made.

And now, I just don't know what I am supposed to think/feel/do.

My Legs! I can't feel my legs!!

So I had a follow up appointment with the OB today. He never actually attended Tara's arrival, however he was ultimately in charge being a head doc. Anyways, he was the one that gave me a debrief over her birth, and then referred me to a neurologist to have my legs checked for the lack of feeling. Today was a check up after the referral. He's still not *happy* that I have this problem, but understands that it is justone of those things. Though he has suggested he sends a referral to phyiso so they can decide whether or not I need to have physio therapy to try and get teh nerves in my thighs feeling again.

One thing the OB said was that he is not certain this condition will improve if I have another child - and he suggested it will actually get worse. I think I can live with that.

I also asked whether I will be able to have a midwife led birth next time or whether, in his opinion, I would need to be under the care of an OB. He was all for the Birth Centre.

Sure, I would love to have a home birth, and I know lots will be disapproving even with me considering going down the Birth Centre route - but I just don't think it's for me. Granted I have lots of time - but it's one of those things on my mind.

So yeah, all in all I came away quite positive. Realistically - if I had an OB, he'd be the one I choose - being so "naturally" focussed. LOL

A lowly milk crate

A big fat nothing. That's how I feel today.

People who I think have me in their heart just use me for what I have to offer. When someone better comes along, I get booted to the kerb and am left to give the new-come a leg up (ie: They use me as a milkcrate to jump the fence). And sometimes, I don't even think it has to do with that person not being emotionally attached to me - more, they get swept away with the bells and whistles the newbie brings to the table.

My lack of being "out west", having no transport to get there, and relying on either ally or public transport means that I am cut off from happenings. And because the newbie can get there, show support and flash the bells and whistles, I am forgotten about.

It's the frikken story of my life. I don't fit in anywhere. Mothers Group I feel as though I am a hippy in disguise. At SAP I feel like a fraud. Like I could never raise Tara to be like that. I feel in my heart that I don't belong there. I want to go home, be with Alice and Ruby, and be myself. Fit in. Feel loved, and not stepped on.

I feel like shit. I feel like I am nothing to no one. And those that I *maybe* mean something to are either too far away, or online only. It makes me feel sick.

I want to whinge and bitch about other things, but what's the point? It's not like it helps. Not like it changes things.

Got any blacker...?

Bubbles has a black eye.

The toy cube and her had a disagreement over her excitment while playing with it. She, in her infinate wisdom, headbutted it to give it what for. It smacked her on the cheek with a blue triangle piece of wood. It one.

She has a 'V' shape on her cheek and it flows up to the corner of her eye.

Ooops.