A big fat nothing. That's how I feel today.
People who I think have me in their heart just use me for what I have to offer. When someone better comes along, I get booted to the kerb and am left to give the new-come a leg up (ie: They use me as a milkcrate to jump the fence). And sometimes, I don't even think it has to do with that person not being emotionally attached to me - more, they get swept away with the bells and whistles the newbie brings to the table.
My lack of being "out west", having no transport to get there, and relying on either ally or public transport means that I am cut off from happenings. And because the newbie can get there, show support and flash the bells and whistles, I am forgotten about.
It's the frikken story of my life. I don't fit in anywhere. Mothers Group I feel as though I am a hippy in disguise. At SAP I feel like a fraud. Like I could never raise Tara to be like that. I feel in my heart that I don't belong there. I want to go home, be with Alice and Ruby, and be myself. Fit in. Feel loved, and not stepped on.
I feel like shit. I feel like I am nothing to no one. And those that I *maybe* mean something to are either too far away, or online only. It makes me feel sick.
I want to whinge and bitch about other things, but what's the point? It's not like it helps. Not like it changes things.
Sunday, July 02, 2006
A lowly milk crate
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5 comments:
Oh Kristie. :(
I don't know what to say, except to empathise. I know the feeling of not fitting in anywhere and not meaning much to anyone. It sucks.
I wish I could say something helpful. Sorry.
Wanna come visit me? I'm right near a train station.
Oh Chin up hon! It sucks feeling like the world is forging ahead and everyone is passing you by... but it won't last, I'm sure of it! *hugs*
*hugs* Kristie.
I know that feeling too... the not quite either way efling. It has taken all of Jack's nearly three years for me finally to be comfortable with the fact that there are times that I am very mainstream, and there are times that I am very alternative and all of the time I am myself and people just need to deal with that.
I really hope you find some people IRL who are able to respect ALL the facets of your wonderful self.
*hugs hugs*
*huggles* I still reckon you should start your own group ;). If you move, you just start again. It is crappy feeling like you don't belong anywhere :(.
Ah that sounds really crappy :( I hope you find people to make good connections with.
And while I'm not exactly sure if this is even related to what you are experiencing, remember sometimes it's not you - sometimes I will find myself thinking of someone frequently etc and it just doesn't relate into actual efforts to reach out and contact them, I get so distracted, and I probably rely a bit too heavily on others to keep contact with me - that's my bad not theirs!!
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