F is for Failure

I feel like a fraud and a failure. I feel as though I am just a waste of space. Granted, I feel great some days - most of the day actually - but then I let my brain get the better of me.

Iain, you could say the black dog is nipping.

Why can't I be told I am loved?
Why can't I feel I deserve my daughter?
Why can't I see that I'll not be abandoned?
Why can't I be stronger in myself?

I don't feel depressed. I feel scared. I think there is a big big big difference. I know what depression is like, I have battled it all my life. I know I am close - am not there yet though. Being treated like a child the other day, and feeling scalded for my bad behaviour sent me teetering on the edge of the abys. I know I deserved being reprimanded. I went too far. I don't deserve to be a mother after the way I acted.

I am always feeling as though I am going to be left alone. That everyone is looking for an excuse to leave me. Maybe I am giving them reason to leave? Or to force them away?

5 years is too far away for me to look forward to. There is a lot of time to pass between now and then. Tara would be in school then. I want to be SETTLED before then. I would prefer to be back in Melbourne for the time she starts school. Find a suburb, research, find schools, housing areas. Live and dream a little. Ally says in a few years. I said how much is a few? He said a few is 5 years. I don't think that is easy to look forward to.

Supposed to move between now and christmas. Doubt it will happen. Can't even find a place I remotely like. Was wanting to move closer to a school to send Tara to, but if I want to move to melbourne, what's the point of relocating close to a school if tara will not go there?

I feel as though he does not love me. He says it occasionally - but only when things are dire. If I am upset, or being wheeled into surgery or y'know - when things are big. I wish he could say it more, but that is not him. Sometimes we are so different I wonder how we got to where we are. I love him with all of my heart, but feel as though saying it to him makes him feel uncomfortable. Like he is pressured to tell me he loves me too. I wish I could communicate better. I seem to only be able to do that when I am crying hysterically. And even then I tend to shut down.

My immediate reaction to all that is happening right now is to run away. I feel as though I am failing being a mother, failing being a partner, failing being a daughter, failing being a friend. Sometimes I just want to get dressed and walk out the door and just go and hide. Part of me thinks Tara would be better off on Canned BoobJuice than with me because I am such a failure. Anyone who knows me knows how much I hate the Canned Shite. So to think this makes me heart break.

I feel as though I have nothing in front of me. I want to become a Childbirth Educator and Doula. But is that just stupid? Do I really think I could support women in labour and pregnancy? Stacey talked about the fluctuating hobbies in ther blog earlier. Maybe I am just destined to float from one fancy to another without actually doing anything. maybe that is my parenting style too...

I feel totally fucked up. How does one even go about seeking out a counsellor who is ok with your parenting style and choices? How do you open up with all the shit that is going through your head without feeling like an utter fruitcake? Hang on - I AM the fruitcake. There is so much going on in my head, I cannot turn the thoughts off. I cannot stop thinking, processing, stopping and starting my internal conversations. There is so much to say to someone I just don't know where to start. It would be one very massive brain dump.

Hi. My name is Kristie.
I have a 5.5 year relationship with a guy who refuses to marry me.
Even looking at rings at a jewellery store makes him hyperventillate. Sometimes I comment on them just to see his reaction.
We have a kid - Tara, 10 months - because I found out I was pregnant. Oops. I love her to pieces. Would never trade her for the world. Sometimes I think he feels as though he has to be with me just because of her. He tells me it is not true. I know he loves her. Does he love me too though?
I had one hellish birth. I had performance anxiety and so she was ripped from me.
I could not even get the surgery part right so contracted an infection and got back into Hotel Postnatal Ward.
I was abused as a child. Not once, not twice - I got the Trifecta! Do I get extra brownie points?
My dad left us when I was seven. He screwed some woman in the back of a car. My mum was pregnant with my brother.
We moved to Melbourne for him. He moved to melbourne to be with her. We moved to be closer to family. he moved to the middle of whoop-whoop.
Apparently we do not love him enough though because we don't make enough effort to see him. Or call him. Or whatever. Maybe I should give him a phone card for christmas.
My step-dad died. I can't get over it. Everyone else was in victoria able to help mum through it. I had to wait a week before I could come help. She was in hospital and I was designing logos.
I ran away from my life when I was 19. I moved to sydney to get away.
Now all I want to do is go back, but I can't 'cause I am stuck. We can't move if we have no money at the destination. I at least have some friends in Sydney. Ally has no friends in Melbourne.

yup. it will be one hell of a first meeting.


Hi. My name is Kristie, and I am a fruitcake.