We are planning to have another baby. Once the wedding rolls around, it's game on.
I am looking forward to the pregnancy, and listening to my body more - and being PROactive in the pregnancy, rather than REactive, as I was last time. I kinda took a back seat and just let it all happen. This time I want to be the experience, rather than just a part of it.
I am, surprisingly, looking forward to labour again. There are times, even with everything that went on, that I remember riding the contractions, getting in the zone, and just working with them. I am proud of myself for those moments.
The thing is, I am scared, petrified even, of concequences. Of making the wrong choice, and living with what happens. I am scared of birthing at home. I am scared of not birthing at home. I am scared of going to a birth centre, or going to labour and delivery. I am scared of pressure, of expectations - both my own, and other people's. I want to make the right choices, but how can I do that, when I don't even know what they are?
I don't want a repeat c-section, and realistically that means I really should not go to hospital at all, but I am not certain that homebirth is for me. Or if homebirth really is, I am anxious that I will not find the right midwife for me because we are limited by such choice! It's not easy to pick and choose if there are only one, two or three options!!
I am scared that I'll fail. That I'll fail this test of motherhood. I know that giving birth in itself is not a test, nor a measure of my abilities to be a mother, or even womanly. But I *want* the vaginal birth more than anything. I see it, I visualise it. I become it. Though I did all that last time, and look where it got me!
Was Tara's birth tainted by emotional blocks? Was it internal struggles that kept her from entering the normal way, the way women have birthed for centuries? Were the people in attendance the reason I could not let go and just let her come? If they were, who would I have come next time? I know I needed feminine energy, but who would I Have instead? Maybe I really needed Ally more, but did not know how to bring that need out? Maybe I needed him less and wished he was not there at all (is that wrong?)
I am stuck in this rutt of thinking I'll not get an *acceptable* birth... unless it is an intervention free waterbirth where there was no pain only orgasm and fireworks.... may be a little hard to bargain for ;)
This will be my last child.. I can't screw it up. And that's how I feel at the moment. I don't want to short change her and myself.. I already feel as though Tara and I were short changed in the birthing experience - but at least in the parenting I have had one on time time to nurture her through everything. Child number two is forever to be the second child.
ARGH. my head hurts.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Facing the demons in my womb (and my head)
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
Whatever birth you have will be the right birth for you and the new baby Kristie. The birth you had with Tara was the right birth - you may not know why yet, but I see how much you have grown and how much you have come to understand Tara's birth (although I think you have a way to go yet) and I think that it was the birth you had to have in order to achieve the birth you want and need next time.
I know I've been bad at keeping in touch but I love you both and miss you heaps. I'm so excited for all the good things happening to you at the moment. If you need me, for anything, I am only a phone call/email away.
Liisa
Putting that kind of pressure on yourself is really not on, dudette. It's setting yourself up for all sorts of emotional blocks before you even begin. I can't begin to even pretend I understand what you went through and what you're going through now about thinking in the future, but I do know that you won't be doing yourself any favours by introducing fear and impossible standards before you're even pregnant.
And of course it's not wrong to think you might not have wanted Ally there (sorry Ally!). But for some women the process of labour is a uniquely feminine thing (obviously) but I mean in all facets, to the point where they just cannot entertain their partner being present with them. I really think I can understand that.
Post a Comment