Can someone let me know?
I understand that the whole bribing/timeout/etc is not always desirable, and can be negative... but can someone please spell it out for me.
I hate the terms "Good Girl" and "That's Naughty" coming from either my mouth or the mouths of others towards other kids (or to Tara)... but I don't understand why these get to me - other than it sounds like we are talking to dogs!
I know I could post this topic on AB, but I have a few people who read my blog would would be interested in any replies given.. :)
Cass, I know you probably have a lot to say on this ;) so I am looking foward to anything you can point my way.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
The art of being a Parent..
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8 comments:
READ THIS NOW!
http://www.alfiekohn.org/parenting/gj.htm
:o) Did that get your attention? :o) I find that article is the best introduction for people who haven't read any Alfie Kohn stuff before.
For example just today I was out with people who don't get into it at all. One of the girls was asking "Well what do you say when she shares something for example?". I just laughed and said "Why on earth should I say *anything*? Surely the act of sharing has its reward in what happens when you share".
And I guess that's what it all comes down to - praise is essentially for actions that, when you think about it, have their own reward. Sharing = others like it, they get happy, they associate you with the happiness, they like to hang out with you, you have friends. That's what we work out when we're older but kids work that out WAAAYY quicker (I know heaps of adults that still don't share!). And that's just one example.
My favourite is when the child is doing something quite everyday for an adult...say...putting on a shoe. Now the child is not interested in what you're yabbering on about, they're intent on putting on that shoe goddamit. And when they've put on the shoe, well, they don't need you to say "Good Job!". Cos they already have the 'reward' they need - it's called having completed a task well. And really if children just follow through with that
The other thing about "Good girl" that drives me crazy is that there must be a "Bad Girl" out there if the term good is being bandied about. I mean, one only exists if the other is there too (don't get me started on semiotics, I'll start going on and on and you won't be able to stop me...hmmm...a little like now). Anyway, saying good means that if they *didn't* do that then they would be being 'bad'. *sigh* Yeah, because two year olds are out to make your life hell. Ummm...I think they're just a little too busy exploring the world and trying to make sense of the mundane to worry about that. *insert rolling eyes emoticon here asap*
But yes, good and bad tags reduce children to their behaviours, which is what we do when training dogs. But we should be interested not in their behaviour but in their motivation. So rathe rthan saying "No! Don't bite other children!", it is more improtant to just take your child aside and discuss with them why biting others can cause problems and how it hurts others and ask them if they need some attention or love themselves. Really it's not that hard. And once you're out of the good/bad/well done cycle you start hearing it EVERYWHERE and you start to wonder whether others can hear just how crazy it sounds.
You might like to read this chick's blog but especially this entry:
http://lollymom.com/2007/01/25/exhibit-b-the-potty-training-saga/
which is all about how once she stopped getting angry AND stopped rewarding her three year old (they are both different sides to the same coin - ie: recognising behaviour with a certain cue) then she started being able to use the potty. It's long but worth it.
Anyhoo, that's just a quick one form me on this topic I could expound about all night and day long. I have now finished dinner and need to go and write some more on my blog. Wow, sometimes this online life can be even more work than my real life.
Cheers, Cass
Yep definitely read Alfie Kohn. The Natural Child Project also has some great articles on it about this stuff. http://www.naturalchild.org/articles/
For me, if Kira shares, I say "thank you". Just like I would with an adult. If she accomplishes something I say "you did it" or "you did xyz". I do like to acknowledge what she's done so she knows what it is she's done yk? In verbal terms that is. Toilet learning was harder, a lot of "well dones!" came out of my mouth as I was so excited she was peeing on the loo LOL! But usually I would just say "you did a wee on the toilet!" and she would say "yay!"
I don't see the need to repeat what some amazing authors have already said, so I'll leave you to read Alfie and the Natural Child Project to get the answers to your questions ;).
Agreed. On the acknowledgment front I find it interesting that Harry will always tell me when she wants it - usually by calling me or turning my head to see her. Funny enough though, we usually differ on what we think is acknowledgment-worthy! :o)
Agreed. On the acknowledgment front I find it interesting that Harry will always tell me when she wants it - usually by calling me or turning my head to see her. Funny enough though, we usually differ on what we think is acknowledgment-worthy! :o)
Can't say it better than your previous commentors.. and those two sites are awesome!
If you are having trouble getting out of the 'good girl' habit then try replacing it with something less 'annoying' and more real... like Stacey said just acknowledge by stating what she did and how you feel... "you shared, that makes me happy".
I've always found having something 'better' to say rather than 'good girl' or 'NO!' just he;p[s break the cycle and soon you don't feel the need to comment or reward verbally every littel thing... unless you really feel it is warrented and useful.
ROFL, Hi Cass! (obviously you two know each other, what a small world!)
Just came in to mention AK, but it's been done - not that I'm any kind of expert, mind you... I understand the theory, it's the practice I find challenging... Hey, at least you're trying to learn more, that's all any of us can do!
Oh, can I just add, the example Cass gave about saying "good job" for doing something that is every day like putting on a shoe... There is this one LOVELY mum from my boys school, I really like her, but she makes this point of praising her kids, and rather pointedly, my kids, for listening... Eg. little Charlie is running ahead and his mum calls out, "Charlie, come back here and hold my hand because we need to cross the road" So, little Charlie trotts back to mum and grasps her hand, and she rewards him with an enthusiastic, "Good listening, Charlie!"... I know she means for me to praise my kids in the same way because if I fail to do so, she praises them for me... "Good listening, Luey!"...
Argh! Thankyou all for your posts... I just realised our new spam filter has eaten all of my blog alerts... argh!
Anyways, thankyou for posting the links. I might make a post out of your comments Cass, if you don't mind! :)
FWIW>. I *hate* "Good Job!" it is horrible, condesending, very american! it's one phrase that grates me the wrong way!
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