Teen Fit Camp

I just watched this and felt slapped in the face. Why? Because the guy (declaring love to the girls) was me. Can sometimes still be me.

I used to jump into telling people I loved them, that I wanted to be with them because I felt no real emotion. I ate for emotion. Food was my feelings. So I would confuse friendship with love. Then I would grasp at straws to have them declare love for me because it would mean I was worth something.

More often than not I was paid with pity. Occasionally a quick fuck, and then pity. Or embarrassment. Or worse, disdain and hatred.

That was my life. In some respects, I think it still is. My self confidence became non existant because it relied on how I felt through my appearance. Now I have almost become nonchalant about it.

I am to be a bride in 4 months and 1 week. I'm going to be a size 18 as I doubt I will loose much weight before then. Do I want to? Hell yes. Why won't I? because I can't - no, won't put in the effort. I don't FEEL much any more. I feel "whatever" about being fat. I got used to it. I just don't buy clothes. I just don't look in the mirror. I don't have my photo taken because I hate who I am in any of the above circumstances.

People would comment on how being a mother really suits me. But those comments stopped when the weight came on again. I got down to 70kg just after Tara was born. I liked how I looked. But then it came back on - even with all the walking I do, and the healthier food I eat.

I wish I cared. But frankly, no one really cares about it around me either. Ally tells me if it worries me, then do something. I would love to go to the gym! Will he pay the money for me to go? Would he go with me? Is their a creche? There are always reasons not to, excuses.

My life is full of excuses. To be honest, I just don't think I love myself enough to put the effort in. It is pathetic, I know. But that is just how I guess it is. I am once again the back seat passenger (I have spoken about being backseat with Tara's birth). That's just me. I need someone to take the lead - to show me. Force me. Help me.

So while I watch Teen Fit Camp and feel for the lad jumping from girl to girl, knowing that was me, I will cry for him. I will cry for me. And I'll be content to be the fat bride walking down the Aisle.