A step in the right direction...

I found my shoes! They are a size 10, online in america, and they don't deliver to australia - but I found them!!

These are the shoes I have been imagining and running around Sydney trying to find something even remotely similar.



So, I am thinking that I could get these shoes - have them sent to the ISYS Denver office, as well as the veil I want to buy, and have Denver send them to the ISYS office for me for pick up. If the shoes are too big, by the time I put Foot Jellies on the ball of the shoe, as well as in the heel, they'll probably fit great. If they are too small, I can try and stretch them or something. If they don't work out, I'll sell them (along with the First Dress). I just *love* these shoes so much. My other option is to buy them in white and attempt to dye them the correct colour myself.. not sure if that is a great idea HAHA

And as for the veil... I am in a big dilema. The ebay seller has finally listed it again. I believe it comes in Ivory (am checking now), and it is stunning. The thing is, the ebay seller does not have a perfect reputation... Do I risk it?

The other question is, I am in total love with this veil, it's all sparkly with Swarovski Crystals. The back of the dress is fairly plain, so I thought the crystals would be lovely, though I am wondering if they'll be too much bling...? Should I just be going for a plain and simple veil with a rattail edge?

All thoughts welcomed!

A new take on the old bag.

I have a bag for the wedding! Oh, it is devine. I'll take a pic! Though there is still that minor detail of the missing card reader...

The bag is champagne (slightly pinker than my dress) with sequins, beads and ostrich feathers. It is very antique-y... but brand new! It's JAG brand, and at 50% off retail, I scored a bargin!

The shoes are driving me insane though. I know EXACTLY what I want. I even found them online. But the seller of them (who is on EBAY) no longer has them... ARGH!! THey probably would not have fit me anyways. *pout!*

I have been making fascinators! I have one half made (for me), though I might redo it or make another now that I kinda know what I am doing. I need to have the mini-me go to sleep first though.

I am also making the bridesmaids ones. They are going to all be the same I think, though, I had originally decided to make them all different - now I am not sure. They'll be fine in the end, regardless... but I only have enough supplies to try it once LOL...

In other news, the dress has been ordered! I took the leap of faith and my dress was bought through an Ebay Seller, though not through Ebay. THey are a registered Aussie business though, so if it all fails, I'll sue them and wear my backup dress... I should have the dress no later than the 20th of June... *gasp* sooo excited!! Bit scary too...

Celebrants are on the horizon. Need to get my birth certificate... it's funny you need to have a birth certificate to get married - but to get a birth cert you need to have a passport/medicare/license etc... yet all of those require a birth cert in the first place LOL.

Right... need to make some fabulous fascinators!

ANZAC - more than just a biscuit

Today is ANZAC day. A hugely important day in my life. It is a day I think of a black and white photo of a strapping young man in his army gear. His jawline as strong bold as his courage. A wry smile pursed to his lips. No one ever spoke of this photo much, but in my heart I saw so much in it. It was my grandfather, and in that photo I saw a life so hard I could never imagine.

My grandfather fought in the second world war. Growing up I did not do much talking to him about it, but I respected him so much for it all. I became involved in "Australia Remembers - 50 years" the anniversary of the end of world war two. I went to a state lunch with the premier, and a large number of Returned Servicemen and Women.

I have marched in the ANZAC day parade - wearing my other grandfather's medals. He was a merchant seaman for england. My gratitude swelled, as did my chest puffing it out as the medals perched on the right hand side, usually falling lopesided from their weight.

I have talked to widows on the pain of their losses while researching for Australia Remembers. Watching as their eyes grow misty with memories and tears. Bittersweet.

I cannot hear the Last Post, without welling up tears. It hits the core of me. It touches my heart. The same way Abide With Me does. It is more than a hymn. It is my grandmother, my grandfather, my step-dad, my mum, my family, my childhood - all rolled into one.

ANZAC day is more than just biscuits, beer and two-up. It is more than a public holiday or an excuse to catch up with mates. It is a day that ressonates so deeply within me. Nay, it is a day that is part of me. A chance to reflect and respect.

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old:
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember them.



I crouched in a shallow trench on that hell of exposed beaches... steeply rising foothills bare of cover... a landscape pockmarked with war’s inevitable litter... piles of stores... equipment... ammunition... and the weird contortions of death sculptured in Australian flesh... I saw the going down of the sun on that first ANZAC Day... the chaotic maelstrom of Australia’s blooding.

I fought in the frozen mud of the Somme... in a blazing destroyer exploding on the North Sea... I fought on the perimeter at Tobruk... crashed in the flaming wreckage of a fighter in New Guinea... lived with the damned in the place cursed with the name Changi.

I was your mate... the kid across the street... the med. student at graduation... the mechanic in the corner garage... the baker who brought you bread... the gardener who cut your lawn... the clerk who sent your phone bill.

I was an Army private... a Naval commander... an Air Force bombardier. no man knows me... no name marks my tomb, for I am every Australian serviceman... I am the Unknown Soldier.

I died for a cause I held just in the service of my land... that you and yours may say in freedom... I am proud to be an Australian.

--From the ANZAC Day website


Now... on top of all of this, you will probably understand my UTTER Disgust at the desecration of the War Memorial in Bathurst by some pimply arsed teenage girl. I found out today that it is actually a chargable offence - and she is to face court next month. May she be sentenced to listening to war stories by Returned Servicemen for hours on end while polishing their Victoria Crosses, or Defense Medals.

2 teeth + 1 lip x 1 fall = lots of blood.

Tara has two holes in her top lip. One has stopped bleeding.. the other is just dribbling a little. And now she has a fat lip.

She tripped over with a mouthful... but do you think she would let that food leave her mouth? not at all!!!

Facing the demons in my womb (and my head)

We are planning to have another baby. Once the wedding rolls around, it's game on.

I am looking forward to the pregnancy, and listening to my body more - and being PROactive in the pregnancy, rather than REactive, as I was last time. I kinda took a back seat and just let it all happen. This time I want to be the experience, rather than just a part of it.

I am, surprisingly, looking forward to labour again. There are times, even with everything that went on, that I remember riding the contractions, getting in the zone, and just working with them. I am proud of myself for those moments.

The thing is, I am scared, petrified even, of concequences. Of making the wrong choice, and living with what happens. I am scared of birthing at home. I am scared of not birthing at home. I am scared of going to a birth centre, or going to labour and delivery. I am scared of pressure, of expectations - both my own, and other people's. I want to make the right choices, but how can I do that, when I don't even know what they are?

I don't want a repeat c-section, and realistically that means I really should not go to hospital at all, but I am not certain that homebirth is for me. Or if homebirth really is, I am anxious that I will not find the right midwife for me because we are limited by such choice! It's not easy to pick and choose if there are only one, two or three options!!

I am scared that I'll fail. That I'll fail this test of motherhood. I know that giving birth in itself is not a test, nor a measure of my abilities to be a mother, or even womanly. But I *want* the vaginal birth more than anything. I see it, I visualise it. I become it. Though I did all that last time, and look where it got me!

Was Tara's birth tainted by emotional blocks? Was it internal struggles that kept her from entering the normal way, the way women have birthed for centuries? Were the people in attendance the reason I could not let go and just let her come? If they were, who would I have come next time? I know I needed feminine energy, but who would I Have instead? Maybe I really needed Ally more, but did not know how to bring that need out? Maybe I needed him less and wished he was not there at all (is that wrong?)

I am stuck in this rutt of thinking I'll not get an *acceptable* birth... unless it is an intervention free waterbirth where there was no pain only orgasm and fireworks.... may be a little hard to bargain for ;)

This will be my last child.. I can't screw it up. And that's how I feel at the moment. I don't want to short change her and myself.. I already feel as though Tara and I were short changed in the birthing experience - but at least in the parenting I have had one on time time to nurture her through everything. Child number two is forever to be the second child.

ARGH. my head hurts.

Siobhan!! :P

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 23.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the next three sentences in your journal along with these instructions.
5. Don't dig for your favourite book, the cool book, or the intellectual one: pick the CLOSEST.
6. Tag five other people to do the same.


Since, however, hospital deliveries are almost the rule these days, our object is to make the birthplace as much like home as possile. To make the prospective mothers feel at home, we show them around the unit and introduce them to the midwives and assistants who will be present at the delivery. Further, we encourage them to come back as often as they like, and we've designed a whole series of weekly events to interest them in coming. -- Birth Reborn, Michael Odent.

Tag: Stacey, Rae, Nic, Michelle, Belinda

Digging my ear-drum out with a fork...

That's what I wanted to do last night.

Confession: I love bad TV. In admiting this I also admit to watching COPS last night. Not so bad, I know - but my god....! if you look at my post a few back where I was talking about "Good Job" you'll understand the title of this entry. HOW MANY TIMES COULD THEY SAY IT IN 5 MINS?!!! It drove me insane. It is SOOOOO condesending... It's like patting a dog on the head. Insane. I guess it goes back to the unconditional parenting stuff I was asking about the other day. I just need to stop with the Good Girls... though I must admit I am getting better!

Everyone, welcome a new stalk...er um... visitor of my blog - Anjella... (say: ANGELA kristie!!). My uber cool and funky photographer has ducked her head in... *waves*

Talking of photography... I have been thinking of some must have shots. I have a running commentary in my head of what I want taken on the day. Some are wishful thinkings (like Ally and I walking the dapple grey horse who is being ridden by Tara).. but some I really want. Don't fret Anjella, I'll hand you a list ;)

*Back of my dress
*Back of my hair
*Veil blowing in the wind (it is going to be a cathedral length veil)
*Detail shots of the dress
*Detail shot of the shoes (this will be extra cool if I have blue shoes!)
*Detail shot of the bouquet and the charms on the bouquet (am having charms and flowers representing those who have passed before the day)
*Picture of Mum, Tara and I...
*Picture of the Bridal party walking along the road being followed by all the guests
*Parasol Pictures
*Fancy pics of the Stationary including Invites: mental note - have an invite on hand

err... I am sure I will think of more as time goes on.

I am in a real wedding mood at the moment. I am hoping to make a fascinator tomorrow. I have feathers that match my fabric perfectly... and lots of crystals to play with. Yay.

I need toothpicks to keep my eyes open at the moment. Girlie Girl kept me awake last night. I am hoping I can get some extra sleep tonight!! Soooo tired!!!

Um... I am currently working doing some graphics stuff, so am going to sign off. Toodles for now

What the psychic said...

I thought I had better do this post so that I do not forget later on down the track.

I visited a card reader at the Royal Easter Show (classy eh?!). She did a 4 month forcast for me. Ruby listened in too. Below is in point form some things she said.

*I will clean out all of my clothes that I cannot fit, but hold onto. It was strange I held onto so much stuff - Saggitarians are usually not hoarders - they prefer a cleansing space. Room to move

*I will come into some money. Buy a ticket in the lotto. The one with the cat. Do that once a week for a couple of months.

*I need to speak to a lawyer/finiancial counsellor/taxman/someone with money

*There is a wedding on the horizon (duh!). Lots of wedding stuff around me

*My man is lovely, beautiful, gentle. He loves me beyond what he can say (*gush*)

*Not many people understand our relationship, but they appreciate it (this is written into my wedding service a little)

*There may be a fire in the kitchen/lounge area of our house

*We will need to move due to renovations. The landlord may or may not help us move. We will do so because we cannot stand to be in the house while the renovations are occuring

*there is a child, er will be a child... (she changed from past tense to future tense. I think she honestly changed because she assumed we did not have a child because we are getting married - but I think she picked up on the "children" side of things) and that one is on the near horizon...

*I need to stop borrowing from Peter to give to Paul (her direct words and something I do ALL the time! I am so bad at it!!)

*I need to stop worrying so much about money - everything will be ok.

*There are some friends I need to cut out of my life. They don't care about me the way I want to care about them. I am holding onto smoke rings.



Err... I'll update this post more as I remember stuff...

I am not ignoring you all!

I am not ignoring you all, however Ally's new fandangled spam filter stole my blogger comment alert emails...

I have instructed Ally to tell off his Spam Filter, and to cease such nastiness.

Remind me to buy him a watch...

... oh that's right, he got one for fathers day...!

I asked specifically this morning what time he was going to be home... and would he be home late... What did I consider late? I dunno - tell me a time... 6, 7, 8?? 8 is late he says... and he said he would not be late. at 5.30 I spoke to him, he would not be too long... Spoke to him at 8ish... was leaving now....

It is 10 to 10... dinner is still at least 10 mins away (he is picking it up)... I have resorted to feeding the girl the only veg we have in the house (brocoli and cauliflower with some mayo on top) because she is starving and it was the only food available. She is exhausted but we were hanging out waiting for papa.

To say I am pissed off is an understatement. I would not be surprised if I am hormonal and mixed with hunger is not going down well.

ugh.