(Warning - Circular conversational blog post ahead. Does not make a lot of sense but it was in my head today)
All over the internet, and all through literature I find one word that is beginning to make my skin crawl, and my body cringe. I am guilty of uttering it myself many times, and worse - aspiring to have it next time. What word, I hear you ask, could create such a response?
Empowered.
It seems like a harmless enough word, doesn't it? It insights chest-puffing, drum-banging, tears-of-achievement images in the mind. But is it really that great? Is it really something we want women to aim for when it comes to Birth? Are we not just creating pedistals for these goddesses to fall from with battered egos and a sense of failure when they don't achieve that quintessential "Empowered Birth"?
Women have so many goals thrust upon them by everyone else - other women included - that soon many of us cannot remember whether it was our dream or someone elses in the first place. Some strive to have the perfect job, the perfect house, the perfect husband and quite often the Perfect Birth. Many of us educate ourselves with books, literature, internet resources in the quest for that Holy Grail of Perfection. We learn from our sisters. We aspire to be like them. To better ourselves and move beyond what the other has done. A little competitive? Maybe. But it is how we have learned to move forward in this society. We have had to fight so often to be recognised, that soon the lines begin to blur and we start elbowing each other in the ribs. Even those who are professing to helping us.
So why has the word Empowered gotten under my skin? Because, to me, it is becoming the modern-day limbo stick. If you manage to get down low enough, you get a medal for your efforts and a big Pin that says "Empowered". You can shout from behind your Bugaboo that you not only had a Natural Birth, but you had an Empowered Experience. You were lifted up out of your hospital bed with joy and ran a mile the next day in celebration.
Good for you.
Now spare a thought for your sisters who don't manage to get their Empowered Birth. They read the same books, saw the same websites, talked to the same people. Your sisters were every bit as knowlegable as you when it came to Birth. They also believed they deserved, and would get an Empowering Perfect Birth.
Why wouldn't they. So many around them have the badges to prove it can be done.
They did not realise they'd get the Doctor from Hell. Or the Nurse who wanted to clock of early, or the midwife who'd had a bad day, or the anesthesiologist who was on his second ever shift. It could even be her husband, father or mother-in-law. Empowerment can most certainly belong to the woman birthing, but it can be so easily taken away or tainted by anyone coming into her space. The universe could plot against her - anything could happen. And it does! The simplest things can rattle a woman from her pedistal of Perfection. It does not take much to fall from grace.
Sure, women can have Empowered Births if having a caesarian, and good for them. But that does not mean that it is the epitome of the Birthing Experience. Yes, we should be so lucky to feel empowered by the experience of bringing a life into this world. Yes, we are happy we have a healthy baby. No one is denying the fact that we are grateful - to do so is undermining everything we have gone through already.
But why not just be ok with the Mediocre Birth? Why is it we set the measuring stick up so high? It's an extremely magical time, bringing a child earthside, but why do we have to try and make the experience Empowering? What about those women who never get to feel a sense of Empowerment through their Birthing Times? Are they any less of a Goddess because they did not beat their chest and say "I am woman, hear me roar!"?
I want the Empowered Birth, sure I do! It sounds like a magical place to be. But why do I want to be Empowered so much? Is it because so many others around me have been there singing it's praises? I don't want to take anything away from anyone who has managed to hit the magic bullseye, and I think the Perfect Birth is a great thing to aspire to, but maybe we need to be a little more realistic in our desires? With so much intervention occuring, so many sections, so much management of Birth occuring, maybe we need to be mindful of the language we reflect onto women. Sure the Empowered Birth might be something I aspire to achieving, but the next woman I talk to may not want it at all. Am I just projecting my hopes onto her? I hope not. I don't want any woman to just roll over an accept everything handed to her on the Hospital Platter, but in the same breath, wanting her to get a Perfect Empowered Birth maybe just as damaging.
I am a little tired of reading in books about women needing the Empowered Birth. It's almost as if it's something you need to get in order to be recognised for your achievements. In all honesty I don't know.
Maybe I will never get the Empowered Birth and I will forever be the woman with the postcard on the fridge...
"My friend got an Empowered Birth, and all I got was this lowsy Postcard"
Saturday, December 09, 2006
The Perfect Birth.
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6 comments:
oh very interesting read.... I am sort of stuck in the middle of all this at the moment and lots of things you said made sense, though I still aspire for the perfect birth even though I recognise my reasons for wanting it may not be very healthy.
I think it's important to separate feeling empowered from the idea of The Perfect Birth (tm). The perfect birth doesn't guarantee someone feeling empowered, and someone could also feel very empowered going through a birth that wasn't their idea of a Perfect Birth (tm).
It's tough trying to aim/hope for what one would like in an ideal birth situation, and also weighing it realistically with the curve-balls that nature and circumstance can throw at you. And you have to watch out that in striving for one, that if the other does occur that you don't feel devastated, even though you'll obviously feel disappointment for not having gotten what you would have liked. It's like walking a tightrope.
But you do have a point that the idea of the Perfect Birth can really hurt the way that women who didn't have the chance to have that see themselves.
Empowerment is also something that does need to be defined by the individual. What makes *you* specifically feel empowered? Not what other people think makes you feel empowered.
In a way this reminds me a lot of various parenting things. People often have all kinds of expectations and would like to tell you the "best" (read: their) way of doing things etc... and when it comes down to it, you just have to pick what's right for *you* and *your* child.
I hope most of this makes sense, it's almost 1am here and I've had very little sleep the past few days.
*HUGS*
I agree with Marieke. There is a big difference between the Perfect Birth (tm)(hehe) and an "empowered" birth. It can be hard to read stories of "empowered" births with equanimity when your own experience was so disempowered. To me empowerment is about owning my decisions, listening to my instincts and not letting someone else's agenda dictate the course of my experience. The only thing I want to surrender to is my body, and my instincts. Not an "expert", not a schedule. And I guess that is why I am considering UC.
It is good to question such things, but birth is not meant to be a mediocre experience. It is transformative, even if the transformation is a trial by fire. The challenge is, will the woman be scarred by her experience or be pushed to grow and become responsible for herself and her choices?
And I haven't forgotten your question :). Will blog over the next few days. You've helped me shape my answer though!
Just have to say I agree with your sentiments and love your last line. :)
Wow, very powerful read Kristie! Can really see what you mean but at the same time see what others meant in their responses too. Any time you involve such intense feelings, it's incredibly complex but I do agree that we ought not to project our ideas of what is desirable to us personally on someone else or make them feel they've somehow failed if they don't achieve such standards.
*grr* lost my post to the beta monster yesterday. The short of the post yesterday!
To empower someone is to help them gather the information to make the right decisions.
To have an empowered birth, is to have sufficient decisions to make the right choices for your situation.
My first birth was almost natural... but not perfect. My 2nd birth was c-section and emotional. My 3rd was an empowered c-section. If I ever have a perfect birth I'll get back to you! But for now I'll stick with knowing that I made the right decision at the time to have the two c-sections I did.
It is a most annoying word though! LOL!
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