I'm too sensitive.

I know I am too sensitive. I know that I take things to heart when I should not. I experience life with my heart on my sleeve and feel mortally wounded if I feel something is even remotely an attack on me personally.

Knowing this of myself as I do, why would I subject myself to feeling constantly below standard, below human, below woman? Because I figure it's one of the best places to learn what I need to learn. Maybe I'll be "one of them" one day. Maybe not. I am more for the softly softly approach. But I understand why they are not. That's fine.

What I object to is, when I am asking questions, seeking unbiased answers to my questions, trying to find my feet on this journey, being met with a snide undercurrent because I dared got to a hospital in the first place.

It's the root of all my problems, dotchaknow.

Maybe it was my fault for stepping inside the hospital grounds. Maybe I did inadvertantly ask to be sliced open. Maybe, just maybe, I really did have an emergency caesaerean. They were not there. They have not walked in my shoes.

This is not their journey, it is mine.

So while I try and find a steady path to walk on, maybe I need to carry an umbrella to repell the downpour I feel around me sometimes. Hopefully this downpour will provide a rainbow at some stage.

As my current MSN nick says.

I'm not stupid. I just have a scar that makes you think I am.

Time for a change?

I am thinking of updating my blog again.

I think it needs a change.

All those in favour, say Aye!



In other news. I really need to snap out of my blergh-ness. It's not doing my headspace very good to be in this flatline at the moment.

antebridalpreconceptionsleepdeprivedstayathomeworkingmamaofone blergh-ness



I am desperate for a new camera. A point and shoot one where I can just TAKE photos. ANY photos.



Can I just say how amazingly beautiful my child can be. Both in looks and in personality. She comes and gives cuddles all the time, dresses up in scarves and shoes with a bag over her shoulder and waves while saying "buhbye" and walking out of the room. or staring up the says shouting "awwow"

She's magical

Oh wow.

http://www.dfwbirthphotographer.com/blog/

This lady takes photos of the birthing woman. I just watched a slide show of her work. Breathtaking. You can tell she keeps the space, does not intrude. Hangs at the back and captures moments.

Utterly brilliant.

Steps towards a VBAC.

I have been doing some thinking the last 24 hours and I think if I want to have a VBAC I need to actively start working towards it now. So I am starting a list of things i need to do before I birth (not necessarily before I conceive).

These are in no order! just as I think of them

1. Get my hospital records.
2. Join Homebirth Access Sydney.
3. Read Spiritual Midwifery.
4. Find a naturopath/homeopath/osteopath
5. Talk to my GP about shared care (if that is an option)
6. Believe in myself totally
7. Surround myself with people who will listen to my thoughts as I purge them (and not criticise me for thinking them)
8. Keep the house TIDY and CLEAN
9. Read my midwifery Manual
10. Find a doula who will support me from the start (or before) - maybe a friend?
11. Learn to listen to my heart
12. Get fit
13. Pre-natal Yoga once pregnant
14. Talk to Independent Midwives and Homebirth Midwives (Work through Tara's Birth)
15. Read. Read. Read.
16. Work with Ally in the Pregnancy Process - I am not alone. It is our Journey.
17. Learn from others before me. Listen to their stories.
18. Work for my birth - not the birth I expect others to expect of me.
19. Monitor my fertility and track it (www.mycycle.com)
20. Join the Maternity Coalition

If I can do most of these things with my full heart, and believe I can, then I am on the road to my VBAC.

Baa Baa...

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Mingle² - Dating Site

Ramblings

Unfortunately, my dear readers, you are possibly going to be bombarded with Baby #2 preparation posts for a while. I guess they are going to replace the bountiful posts on the wedding (which is 56 days away - freak out ensues!)

Why is choosing how to have your baby such a hard thing to do? Ok, sure, some will argue that it is simply not a choice. Some will say it is simply a case of you have your baby at home if you want to do it successfully, right, safely, etc.

Others will argue that you need to be in a hospital, just in case something goes wrong, to be prepared, to be helped if it is needed.

Many will baulk at that and say "Pay for the hospital ticket, expect the hospital ride".

I still don't know where I fit in on my thoughts. Logically, I see that homebirth is pretty much the best option. I still don't know where I would have fit in with Tara's birth if it had been a home birth. At what point would a HB midwife say "sorry, we need to transfer". I don't know. Who do I ask this to?

I KNOW that women can have successful VBACs in hospital. I know quite a few of them.

The thing is - I still do not know what I feel is the best option for me. I know people rant and rave against one or the other - and that there is not much of a middle ground (Independent midwife in a birth centre?).

Maybe I am not ready to birth a baby yet at all?

How do I process these things? I KNOW the risks of surgery. I experienced MANY of those risks last time, so anyone who tells me I am blind about them is misinformed. They can't tell me I am wrong for being scared of being at home - with the PPH and bloodloss last time, as well as fetal decels (yes, I know many of these are normal - some are not though, and tara had the bad ones...).

I prepared myself so much for Tara's arrival, and still it went haywire. Some was hospital protocol, some was me, some was her.

Where does the line in the sand get drawn? How can I feel comfortable with either decision?

Welcome beautiful girl

Welcome to the world beautiful babe.

Cannot wait to hear more from your mamma.

Congratulations sweetheart - you are amazing. I am in awe.

Happy Big Sister Day K.

Hope you are resting S. and recovering well.

Amazing.

From the voices in my blog...

I am so jealous of the civilisations where the women were considered unclean and had to go off to a womans' hut for the duration of their period and couldn't be around men during that time. I really want a hut. We all need huts.


HAHAHA. this has to be one of the best comments I have seen in a while. You had me crying with laughter!

Me.

I am an hormonal bitch.


'nuff said.

screw my stupid brain.

Randon Stuff

Tara did wees on the potty.
She counted to three mimicking me - and then changed her mind.
She knows that keys unlock doors.
She loves to drink bath water (blergh!)
Tara likes to try and skip.
She says thankyou lots.
And How are you. Though I think I might be the only one who hears these things.
She is too cute for words.
She loves to pat other kids. They have fur too. ;)
We are about to do up a big girl's room for her. I think she may even sleep better there than in our room.
She loves to dance lots.
She knows where her head, ears, eyes, nose and mouth are.
Tara loves to try and dress herself.
She now has her very own cabbage patch doll. I want to find one that looks like her. or find a doll that is made to look like her.

in other news, we have the car and there is much car love.
I've been very slack with wedding stuff.


We saw a man about some rings last night. Ally chose one he liked. I preferred the other one, but he's the one who has to wear it! We got a quote for my ring too. made like the one I saw in Warrnambool. It'll be half the cost of the premade ring. I don't want to really have a ring that fits mine, but this jeweller once again said that it'll damage my engagement ring if I don't have one fit. I feel really anxious about the whole ring thing. Its a case of I am damned if I do, damned if I don't.