Successful shopping trip!

It's big. It's black. It's VERY shiney. Welcome to our family Baby Aquos! *drool* 81cms of flat beautiful LCD colour. *gaaaaar homerstyle*

AND! I found a MASSIVE lincraft near our house! OMG! Heaven. AND cheaper than Spotlight! AND massive. did I say that already? Oh. I like I like I like.

AND! Tara got Rainbow Shoelaces!

AND! I am going to a fashion show tonight to raise money to build toilets (I think) in India... or somewhere.

Today is a good day.

Now, to spruce myself up a bit!

Oh No!

Our TV just died.

I don't know who is more upset, Tara or Me. She's crying because Idol was on when it happened. Ally is celebrating because it means he has justifiable reason to buy the new TV we have been talking about.

gotta love technology.



In other news,

I see the fertility specialist on monday after an ultrasound revealed my ovaries are Polycystic. Joy Joy.

Children's Song Groups and Religion

The wiggles were singing "and hear the word from the lord" this morning. (Dem Bones Dem Bones Dem Thigh Bones song)

Adult pop groups often sing about God/Jesus/Allah/Whoever in their songs, but I can easily turn off my listening to those bits if I want...

But the Wiggles? Since when did they start showing Religious Favouritism?

There's a bear in there, and a booby too!

Playschool was WONDERFUL this morning!

Big Ted and Little Ted wore cloth nappies.

The window had a story about a new baby sister... and they did not blur out the nappy change! Not only that, they showed BREASTFEEDING! And on top of that they had open booby shots! And quote of the day goes to Jenny's big brother who narrated the piece who said

"It must be really good because she drinks a LOT!" (or something to that effect!)

Playschool, I love you.

Teen Fit Camp

I just watched this and felt slapped in the face. Why? Because the guy (declaring love to the girls) was me. Can sometimes still be me.

I used to jump into telling people I loved them, that I wanted to be with them because I felt no real emotion. I ate for emotion. Food was my feelings. So I would confuse friendship with love. Then I would grasp at straws to have them declare love for me because it would mean I was worth something.

More often than not I was paid with pity. Occasionally a quick fuck, and then pity. Or embarrassment. Or worse, disdain and hatred.

That was my life. In some respects, I think it still is. My self confidence became non existant because it relied on how I felt through my appearance. Now I have almost become nonchalant about it.

I am to be a bride in 4 months and 1 week. I'm going to be a size 18 as I doubt I will loose much weight before then. Do I want to? Hell yes. Why won't I? because I can't - no, won't put in the effort. I don't FEEL much any more. I feel "whatever" about being fat. I got used to it. I just don't buy clothes. I just don't look in the mirror. I don't have my photo taken because I hate who I am in any of the above circumstances.

People would comment on how being a mother really suits me. But those comments stopped when the weight came on again. I got down to 70kg just after Tara was born. I liked how I looked. But then it came back on - even with all the walking I do, and the healthier food I eat.

I wish I cared. But frankly, no one really cares about it around me either. Ally tells me if it worries me, then do something. I would love to go to the gym! Will he pay the money for me to go? Would he go with me? Is their a creche? There are always reasons not to, excuses.

My life is full of excuses. To be honest, I just don't think I love myself enough to put the effort in. It is pathetic, I know. But that is just how I guess it is. I am once again the back seat passenger (I have spoken about being backseat with Tara's birth). That's just me. I need someone to take the lead - to show me. Force me. Help me.

So while I watch Teen Fit Camp and feel for the lad jumping from girl to girl, knowing that was me, I will cry for him. I will cry for me. And I'll be content to be the fat bride walking down the Aisle.