3 years today.

Happy Birthday Sweet baby - er - big girl!

You remind me every day now "I'm a big durl!" It wasn't so long since you were a little baby and then bam. You're holding conversations.

The last 6 months has seen you blossom so fast. It's almost as if I have turned around and someone new was staring at me. It's amazing the changes that have come forth. You can dress yourself, express yourself, marvel at your own achievements and make your own friends.

Your speech, while not the same as "other kids" is really developing and you can come out with some wonderful phrases.

"I am dood!"
"I am tire"
"I had a big sleep"
"She's my friend"
"Dat's my favourite (to everything you see!"
"I love you as big as a house!"
"Bugger"
"Shut Up"
"Oh, man!"

You love to do puzzles and to draw. Unfortunately you have your mother's creative chaos thing happening and move from one thing to the next very quickly leaving Tornado Tara in your wake.

You have some wonderful friendships forming and it is so lovely to see these happening without interference from Mummy or Daddy. There have been many tears when we have had to leave Sam, Hailey, Savannah... You have loved to join Matilda in the park and cannot wait to see Bella at school.

You have seen a new day care centre this year and have truly embraced it. Some new friendships, some new experiences and a real jump in your development. It's amazing to see you embrace puzzles now, so different from previously where you shied away. And painting! You never cease to amaze me with your artistic endeavours.

Some other random bits about you. You love Pooh Bear, your toy Kiwi (who must go to school every Friday), you sleep through the night, are toilet aware during the day and almost completely during the night and you love your food - Chicken and Rice is apparently on the menu every night!

I love watching you take in the world around you and reach out and be yourself. Not a mini me, not a mini daddy, but 100% you. You can throw a stomping fit to threaten even the most rebellious of all teens, slam a door like the best of them, and say things under your breath while storming out of a room. You put the term Threenager in the dictionary.

I love you to pieces and watching you each day is a blessing and an honour. You are beautiful, adorable and truly special.

My beautiful beautiful girl, I love you. Happy third Birthday.

From this, to this...

to this

5 Glorious Days.

On the 3rd or 4th of November my heart sang for joy as I looked at two straight lines on a stick of paper. It's amazing how that small amount of colour, on that small stick can change your life.

For 5 days I celebrated, rejoiced and sang from the roof tops that, after 16 months of trying, we'd finally fallen pregnant. Clouds had parted, angels sang, prayers were answered and I was growing a baby inside of my beautiful womb.

5 glorious days.

And then my heart was ripped from me as the blood started to flow. A little pink to start with, but soon followed in torrents of crimson red flowing with the waves of contractions.

5 glorious days.

My world shattered around me as moment by moment I felt my baby draining from me. I woke knowing the spirit had gone from me. By 4 pm in the afternoon I'd endured the worst part of a complete miscarriage and had lost our baby.

Though, 'loosing a baby' is not really a great descriptions either. I can't go and pick him up from lost and found at Central Station. I did not accidentally leave him on a bus. No, he's no where to be 'found'. He's gone completely.

5 glorious days.

I knew about him 'officially' for 5 days, but the reality was I knew about him the moment he became part of me. I even wrote about him.

"We have been TTC (trying to conceive) for a while and we had an amazing night the other night *cough*. Instantly I felt as though something had taken place. It hit me later that it was like I had another soul around me - in me.

And ever since I have felt spiritually pregnant, if that makes sense."

So, that was after it happened. And so much has happened since.

We told Tara I had a baby in my Tummy. She kissed my belly and said Hello Baby. I would ask her each night, "Is it a Boy baby, or is it a Girl Baby?" "A Durl Baby mummy! a Durl!" "So not a brother?" "No. A Durl".

After I discovered I was miscarrying I fell into Ally's arms sobbing. Tara and he were cooking in the kitchen and Tara pipes up, "Are you OK mummy?" "Mummy is sad, Possum. The baby has gone away. It's not in mummy's tummy any more" Tara's bottom lip quivered a little, she sighed and looked sad, for a brief moment. Then she gave me a hug and went back to cooking.

If you ask her now if mummy is sad, she'll tell you the following story
"Mummy Sad. Baby Gone Way. Mummy and Daddy in Kitchen and daddy huddle (cuddle) and mummy cry. Baby Gone" She knows the baby is not there any more.

It has been one week. Two days longer than I knew I was really pregnant. And some days I wonder what has happened. It is like a life time ago, and yet at the same time it is like it happened this morning. The grief is not as intense, but perhaps that is just me coming to terms a little more.

I have moments. I'm not all sunshine and lolly pops just yet. Sometimes I think I have been kept Too Busy, but that's ok at the moment. I cry when I need (and am thankful for hot showers that make that easier!), and laugh when I feel like it.

I call the baby a boy because I felt Boy Vibes all around me. I'm not saying that my baby was an actual Boy, I'm just saying I had a boy vibe. Could have grown up to be a tom boy, or a feminine girl. Or just a normal every day girl, or a normal every day boy. I won't know. Though I wonder if the 100% same spirit baby will come back, or if they'll change in the time between now and then. I'll never know.

He is just known as Little Bird to me.

My baby will come back. I know he will. Because I am waiting for him and he is waiting for me.

One day (hopefully not too far away), my little bird will fly home. In the meantime, I'll reflect on those 5 Glorious Days. I would not change them for the world.