The issues of Pink.

As many of you know our daughter is not a huge fan of Pink. some days she loves it in small doses, and will tolerate it.

Other days, like today, pink is the worst idea in the world, and really, we should reconsider just what sort of parents we are if we try and even suggest she touch the colour.

20 mins ago I got an email from Tara's new Ballet Teacher (Miss Tara), telling me that while they can wear whatever they like, they need to have pink shoes. Yes, even though the colour could technically pass as being Nude, or Flesh.... Ballet Pink was not a word that was entered into my daughters vocabulary.

So, in accordance to my telling her she has to wear pink shoes, the world as she knows it has ended, and the tears that have followed are enough to rival Alice in Wonderland.

I told her that the options were pink shoes or no ballet and she needed to have a think about it and make her own decisions about what she was going to do. Well, she's come back to me and told me "I'll need to think about that".

She doesn't mind pink hair ties, nor does she mind pink on her tshirts. Granted, she would prefer the world to only contain Green with a touch of purple and red. But the idea of wearing an item of clothing that is solely pink is a little beyond her comprehension at the moment.

So... I changed my shoe order from White to Pink ('cause of course, I find out this information about pink shoes immediately after I ordered white ones!), and they are being made as we speak. She might not have them by Wednesday, but at least they are coming.

*sigh* I think we have a long road ahead of us if Ballet is going to be on the cards!

Quoting the divine Miss T

Out for sushi last night. Ally has Salmon and Salmon egg on rice. I suggest he give her one of the eggs to try, and he puts one on each of her mini salmon rolls.

She puts one in her mouth

[Om nom nom nom]

"mm"


[eyes look up in awe and wonder]

"Oh WOW! They POP! The baby fish go POP!"

Leotards and Black Belts

I have been searching for a ballet class for Tara for about 18 months now. One thing or another has usually held me back. The most recent being Ally not liking the place that I like the most. Well today I was introduced to another ballet school and we have been invited to come and see it tomorrow.

We just happened to meet up with Tara's old best friend from Preschool (who changed preschools) today and she was off to Ballet. I asked her dad where she went and he told us. So I have cruised their website and it seems to fit in quite well with what I like about ballet schools (and what I don't like too!)

So we might go off and do that tomorrow afternoon and see how she goes. It's a bit exciting though, to have worked it out a little closer.

Talking about classes, I also would love her to do a martial arts class at some stage, and the logical one for us is for it to be Tae Kwon Do, after all, it's kinda in the family! well, after weeks of searching, I finally found one that I think we can do when she is older, so around August we'll see how she is mentally/physically/emotionally/etc and see whether she is old enough to start. While the classes are not designed until 5 year olds, she's been invited to come along a bit sooner to get used to the class (if she likes it and fits into the group), and so she can be settled into the class before she starts school (and has new things going on there). I think the stability of having classes as part of her ritual before school is a good way to make some transitions. but we will see.

Oh... Tara and I are both suffering from sunburn. foolishly I did not think about sunscreen outside yesterday after I was in a weird mental place. I just was not thinking. Well, tara's poor beautiful white skin paid the price for my absent mindedness. Granted, so did my skin, but her's is the one I worry about more. Though, strangely enough, even after all the sunscreen again today, we still both managed to get kissed again by the UV rays!

and OMG. Wow. another post, can you believe it?!

So, it's been over a year...

It has been over a year since my last post and even though I have thought about blogging lots since then, I have not been sure whether I wanted to update THIS blog. But I figure it is easier than starting a new blog right at this moment - that can come later.

Tara is now 4. Can you believe it? I can't. Some days I look at her and she is my month old little baby, with chubby cheeks and a deep set dimple. And then I look at her and it is a glimpse through a looking glass to when she is 13 and off to high school. The other days it is her just being 4. Beautiful, glorious 4.

I was talking to mum tonight about how she has lost some of her baby fat through her face and shoulders this last month (thanks to a vicious dose of vomiting gastro), and how she looks so wonderfully energetic, and young, and vibrant.

She has a couple of obsessions. One she is slowly (hopefully) growing out of - and that is Pooh Bear. She has Pooh Bear doonas (yes, plural!), lamps, clocks, toys and lots of books. I am hoping this one is a passing phase, for while I do like Pooh Bear, I am a classicist at heart and wish that the Disneyified crap would go elsewhere.

Dance is still a major part of her life and she is very much a singing and dancing kinda girl. She loves doing dancing anywhere and everywhere, and gate crashing a busker in the street is one of her favourite pasttimes.

Her other major obsession is PONIES! Wow, does she love her ponies. Any pony toy, book, story.. you name it - she loves it. And don't get her started on the real things. She loves horse riding when she gets a chance (she has a ride coming up in a couple of weeks) and would love to do it every week. Not that we can afford to do so in the Sydney CBD.

And she's getting a mighty fine collection of My Little Ponies now - thanks to ebay and the grandparents!

She is going to preschool 2 days a week and has some lovely lovely friends there. And I'm even making some friends through the other mothers which is really nice. Unfortunately one of her Best Friends is going to be leaving in a month and I'll have to deal with that fall out. thank goodness she can't remember that her old best friend at preschool left her too.

We have made a decision where we are going to send her to school, which is a massive load off my mind. I hope to become part of the P and C over the next year to become a bit more familiar with the community and the school. I think it will be a good way for us to get to know the small community.

As for me, I am doing ok As you have probably guessed, I am still no pregnant. Still trying. Still not getting anywhere. I'd love to have another child, but I am beginning to loose faith in the whole process. My mental state is not doing great over it all, but I try no to dwell on it.

My business is going very slow, and I have not made much in the way of sales for a while. I hope with a change of business structure over the next couple of months that things might pick up again and I'll be able to actually make money instead of loosing it. Keep your eyes out though, it's a bit exciting.

I'm also just about to finish my Childbirth Educator Course. OMG. I am so excited that I might actually just finish this! I am on the tail end, hopefully will have it finished within the next month.

Ally is working lots and lots and lots, but that is hopefully going to settle down soon.

We've been to New Zealand, Perth, Victoria, Canberra in the last 6 months or so, which has been a massive dose of excitement. Hopefully we get to do some more travelling soon, it really is refreshing to the system.

Anyways. that's it for now. I'm going to TRY and do more posts. hoping hoping. fingers crossed

stay posted

I plan on doing a BIG post in the next few days. in the mean time

*been away for 6 weeks
*had a wonderful christmas
*tara is beautiful
*I have a new computer
*I love my hubby
*life is treating me ok at the moment
*feeling more positive about the year ahead

Dreams Shattered.

Ever have a dream that you've had for so long it's just part of your conciousness?

Mine was just shattered. Since I was 15 or so I have wanted a particular building in a the town I grew up in. I have told everyone about it - or so I thought - it seems mum didn't know. Anyway. The place went up for sale, and was sold yesterday. YESTERDAY~

What makes it hurt more is that it was affordable. To an extent - needed lots of work. But I have wanted it so much.... and now it has gone. I doubt it will be on the market again - at least for probably 10 - 20 years...

I think I could cry. This has been my dream property and just when I think we could afford something (with the bonus from the gov etc)... argh. I think I *will* cry.

This is it.

3 years today.

Happy Birthday Sweet baby - er - big girl!

You remind me every day now "I'm a big durl!" It wasn't so long since you were a little baby and then bam. You're holding conversations.

The last 6 months has seen you blossom so fast. It's almost as if I have turned around and someone new was staring at me. It's amazing the changes that have come forth. You can dress yourself, express yourself, marvel at your own achievements and make your own friends.

Your speech, while not the same as "other kids" is really developing and you can come out with some wonderful phrases.

"I am dood!"
"I am tire"
"I had a big sleep"
"She's my friend"
"Dat's my favourite (to everything you see!"
"I love you as big as a house!"
"Bugger"
"Shut Up"
"Oh, man!"

You love to do puzzles and to draw. Unfortunately you have your mother's creative chaos thing happening and move from one thing to the next very quickly leaving Tornado Tara in your wake.

You have some wonderful friendships forming and it is so lovely to see these happening without interference from Mummy or Daddy. There have been many tears when we have had to leave Sam, Hailey, Savannah... You have loved to join Matilda in the park and cannot wait to see Bella at school.

You have seen a new day care centre this year and have truly embraced it. Some new friendships, some new experiences and a real jump in your development. It's amazing to see you embrace puzzles now, so different from previously where you shied away. And painting! You never cease to amaze me with your artistic endeavours.

Some other random bits about you. You love Pooh Bear, your toy Kiwi (who must go to school every Friday), you sleep through the night, are toilet aware during the day and almost completely during the night and you love your food - Chicken and Rice is apparently on the menu every night!

I love watching you take in the world around you and reach out and be yourself. Not a mini me, not a mini daddy, but 100% you. You can throw a stomping fit to threaten even the most rebellious of all teens, slam a door like the best of them, and say things under your breath while storming out of a room. You put the term Threenager in the dictionary.

I love you to pieces and watching you each day is a blessing and an honour. You are beautiful, adorable and truly special.

My beautiful beautiful girl, I love you. Happy third Birthday.

From this, to this...

to this

5 Glorious Days.

On the 3rd or 4th of November my heart sang for joy as I looked at two straight lines on a stick of paper. It's amazing how that small amount of colour, on that small stick can change your life.

For 5 days I celebrated, rejoiced and sang from the roof tops that, after 16 months of trying, we'd finally fallen pregnant. Clouds had parted, angels sang, prayers were answered and I was growing a baby inside of my beautiful womb.

5 glorious days.

And then my heart was ripped from me as the blood started to flow. A little pink to start with, but soon followed in torrents of crimson red flowing with the waves of contractions.

5 glorious days.

My world shattered around me as moment by moment I felt my baby draining from me. I woke knowing the spirit had gone from me. By 4 pm in the afternoon I'd endured the worst part of a complete miscarriage and had lost our baby.

Though, 'loosing a baby' is not really a great descriptions either. I can't go and pick him up from lost and found at Central Station. I did not accidentally leave him on a bus. No, he's no where to be 'found'. He's gone completely.

5 glorious days.

I knew about him 'officially' for 5 days, but the reality was I knew about him the moment he became part of me. I even wrote about him.

"We have been TTC (trying to conceive) for a while and we had an amazing night the other night *cough*. Instantly I felt as though something had taken place. It hit me later that it was like I had another soul around me - in me.

And ever since I have felt spiritually pregnant, if that makes sense."

So, that was after it happened. And so much has happened since.

We told Tara I had a baby in my Tummy. She kissed my belly and said Hello Baby. I would ask her each night, "Is it a Boy baby, or is it a Girl Baby?" "A Durl Baby mummy! a Durl!" "So not a brother?" "No. A Durl".

After I discovered I was miscarrying I fell into Ally's arms sobbing. Tara and he were cooking in the kitchen and Tara pipes up, "Are you OK mummy?" "Mummy is sad, Possum. The baby has gone away. It's not in mummy's tummy any more" Tara's bottom lip quivered a little, she sighed and looked sad, for a brief moment. Then she gave me a hug and went back to cooking.

If you ask her now if mummy is sad, she'll tell you the following story
"Mummy Sad. Baby Gone Way. Mummy and Daddy in Kitchen and daddy huddle (cuddle) and mummy cry. Baby Gone" She knows the baby is not there any more.

It has been one week. Two days longer than I knew I was really pregnant. And some days I wonder what has happened. It is like a life time ago, and yet at the same time it is like it happened this morning. The grief is not as intense, but perhaps that is just me coming to terms a little more.

I have moments. I'm not all sunshine and lolly pops just yet. Sometimes I think I have been kept Too Busy, but that's ok at the moment. I cry when I need (and am thankful for hot showers that make that easier!), and laugh when I feel like it.

I call the baby a boy because I felt Boy Vibes all around me. I'm not saying that my baby was an actual Boy, I'm just saying I had a boy vibe. Could have grown up to be a tom boy, or a feminine girl. Or just a normal every day girl, or a normal every day boy. I won't know. Though I wonder if the 100% same spirit baby will come back, or if they'll change in the time between now and then. I'll never know.

He is just known as Little Bird to me.

My baby will come back. I know he will. Because I am waiting for him and he is waiting for me.

One day (hopefully not too far away), my little bird will fly home. In the meantime, I'll reflect on those 5 Glorious Days. I would not change them for the world.

Argh. Ebay Sellers!

It had to happen to me of all people. Order something off ebay and get something different. Not happy.

Would be more unhappy if it cost me a lot of money. Thank goodness it was only a bit of fabric!

Still, means I have to wait until at least friday to get the one I want.

Bah.